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Social policy, unintended consequences, and how wolves create rivers

In Sociology there is a term that is used to discuss the problem with social change policies, unintended consequences.

There has been a longstanding debate in the field of Sociology, regarding what to do with the information gathered through observation, even participant-observation, by sociologists.  Should sociologists use the information to create social policy, social change OR should sociologists remain observers and educators about what they learn so that humans can be more fully educated and then free to make the best choice for themselves in small groups and individually. Currently we are in a time-continuum where the social change aspect of sociology is winning that debate.

Bias is the biggest problem in the practice of sociology.  Since bias is imbedded into each sociologist’s consciousness through her upbringing and social group connections it becomes difficult to see personal bias.  Therefore, sociologists are at risk for introducing bias into the equation of truth without consciously knowing it. The process of paradigm shifting, critical thinking and mindfulness greatly assists sociologists in recognizing their bias, but it is a constant challenge.

In science the practice of the double-blind study is meant to resolve these issues.  However, for sociologists the type of study is observation and cataloguing, even in participant-observation an investigator ‘joins’ the group, simply to observe.  You can think of this as an undercover officer without any intention of actually stopping tragedies that are observed.  This is how the original focus was on identifying and reporting observations; you can think of this like the Prime Directive of no interference in Star Trek.  Education was the way to create change rather than directly participating in social ‘justice’ change policy.  Recognizing that society is dynamic, living the sociologist observes but avoids interfering with the process due to the risk of unintended consequences…what western biological medicine might call bad side effects of specific pharmaceuticals.

Let’s look at a few changes that have come through this action of social change policy.

Unintended consequences of No-fault divorce.

Prior to 1985, in order to get divorced fault had to be proved by one of the married parties.  The thinking in the eighties was that this resulted in high incidence of suicide by wives and high incidence of domestic violence against women.  So the passage of no-fault divorce was thought to assist women to feel more free and empowered.  Unfortunately, it resulted in the ‘feminization of poverty’ and more children living in poverty.

From Wikipedia:  A paper published in The Harvard Journal of Law and Public Policy, written by Douglas Allen, on the economics of same-sex marriage, argues that the introduction of no-fault divorce led to a six-fold increase in just two years after a century of rather stable divorce rates. Also, the law increased the rate at which women entered the workforce, increased the number of hours worked in a week, increased the feminization of poverty, and increased the age at which people married. ( Allen, Douglas (June 22, 2006). “An economic assessment of same-sex marriage laws.”. Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy 29.)

A more useful action would be to educate children about choosing partners, the MAAPS concept developed by Gineris, 2013, and being mindful in marriage choices.  The debate to allow same-sex couples to marry has missed out on this aspect of importance in creating positive, powerful partnerships regardless of gender combination.

The ACA has already led to unintended consequences.

The focus by the ACA was on creating more insurance.  Coming from a perspective within the healthcare system as a provider and a receiver it is noticeable already that, unfortunately, at least so far ACA has resulted in less access to healthcare. In the last six months the number of individuals covered with insurance has dropped, due to actions resulting from the ACA.  Few individuals were able to get coverage who were not previously covered in 2008.    The intended outcome target has been missed and the trend is downward.  (For those individuals reading this that tend toward cynicism,  this may be a private intended consequence of those who put the ACA it into place because they are interested in a different form of insurance…however it is an unintended consequence from the historical statements of the intention to create a source for better access to healthcare at a lower price.)

A more powerful effect of sociological data about lifespan and lifestyle would have been to educate individuals on the benefits of caring for their physical vehicle, emotions and consciousness.  Education on how to live healthfully to avoid the need for healthcare. This creates an opportunity for individuals to take ownership in creating their own health and managing their choice in this regard.  Education increases understanding and therefore power to create personal change.  This is the dynamic aspect of society. Change from within based on many individuals making similar choices due to knowledge and experience.

‘if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day, if you teach a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime….’

Day-care, having your child be raised by the community rather than your personal family social system has resulted in unintended consequences.

Parents have less say in the care of their children.  Due to the nature of human beings learning about how to be in a community from their caregivers in early childhood, the influence of the parent has greatly reduced and the influence of the state has greatly increased.  Parents chose daycare to increase their freedom to work – often a necessity, however they were unaware of the consequence of losing influence in the beliefs, personality, and behavior of their own children.

In addition the psychological makeup of the child raised in daycare is to be cared for by the a group or community, thus the seedling idea that the government owes a person certain positive rights.

A more effective use of the sociological knowledge of how children develop beliefs, their MAAPS for relationship, and values is to educate parents and children as they develop, about these concepts so that individuals can be more empowered and free to make these choices in parenting and care.

Making pot legal will result in unintended consequences.

This is controversial for me to say.  I know.  Many alternative healers feel that marijuana is positive.  Often I hear my colleagues espousing its benefits.  My experience both as a psychotherapist and as an energy field healer belies this.  Pot mucks up the electromagnetic field so that the person over time is cut off from his or her direct sensory system connection to spirit.  Yes some individuals may describe feeling more connected to spirit when they are under the influence of pot, but they have lost their direct connection through their electromagnetic field and have diminished their effectiveness of their sensory  guidance system.  The effects of this remains even after the person stops using marijuana and can only be healed through energetic clearing tf the person’s electromagnetic-field by an energy worker.  So the unintended consequence is to diminish the person’s connection to spirit and to make the person dependent upon the drug to have the inspirational experience.  Additionally, long-term, excessive use diminishes a person’s sense of innovation and will, resulting in a constant state of being slightly like a zombie.

Education openly about issues that underly pot use would be more fruitful than simply saying it is harmless, no more harmful than smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol.  This would allow for each individual to make an evaluation from a more holistic perspective.

The hypocrisy of professors, like Bill Ayes, who makes over 100K a year and teaches anti-Americanism: “I pray every day that I can change America and get rid of Capitalism”…he isn’t off the grid he is living through Capitalism.  He argues against financial inequality while actually creating it with his behavior. The challenge of being in a position of expert is to unintentionally miss out on the opportunity to actual teach the positive effects of thinking through a problem personally using mindfulness and critical thinking.  Using the position of teacher or professor to speak the truth without teaching the importance of dialogue and critical thinking to continuing to evaluate the veracity of that truth, is wholly unethical and creates the unintended consequence of creating ignorance rather than increasing the skills for decision-making and upleveling consciousness.

A more useful application of the sociological information about power and community is to create a space wherein the participant can sort through the answer though mindfulness and critical thinking.  Educating students on how to think, how to use their brains to think through a problem, deduction rather than just come up with the answer the professor determines true, in a Sherlock Holmsian style of clarity and mindfulness would allow for continued consciousness elevation for the entire community of human beings, and ultimately the planet.

The Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978 and the Child Abuse Act of 1974,2010 seem to have fared better than the above examples.

The Indian Child Welfare Act (1978) was originally set in place in response to several things, the high incidence of children leaving the reservations and being raised in non-Indian homes which led to a high incidence of depression and suicide as the children reached adolescence (far greater than those children adopted who were from non-indian families).  This appeared to be a cultural issue as well as a psychosocial developmental issue.  In addition, there was concern from the Native American community that the Native American culture was being decimated by the loss of their children to carry it onward.

There were problems in dealing with how a child was identified as Indian, in that various tribes had different percentages of Native blood or connection to a tribal roll as ways to identify a being as Native American. As time went on it also became an issue if the child had never been a part of the Native Community (1982) especially if the parents had not actually lived in the Native Community in their own upbringing.  However, the intended consequences were met positively, due to this act the incidence of suicide by Native American children in early adolescence decreased dramatically, and far more Native American children were endowed with their cultural heritage.

The Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act  (1974, 2010) has had a positive effect on the increasing recognition and identification of child abuse by parents and communities, and the general understanding of the societal culture.  There have been difficulties with managing the regulation of foster parents and managing how to respond to these kinds of problems with families either through criminal cases or education through various state agencies developed to protect children removed from unsafe homes.

These Mantras clarify how to proceed as a sociologist.  Those who don’t study history tend to repeat it.  Because there are cycles in the sociological development of human communities. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.  This is based in the problem of a legislative, bureaucracy making decisions that require the fineness of individuality.  An agency moves too slowly and cumbersomely to make adjustments that are personal and individualized.  Regulation and individual freedom work against each other unless the regulation is set up to protect negative rights versus positive rights, ie: the basis of the US Constitution.    And finally, the strongest ethical position for all sociologists: know your biases, act from a neutral non-biased perspective.

Counselors who are in the business of change are constantly working to maintain a watchful eye on their own biases in how they assist their clients and patients to change.

Mindfulness, Compassionate understanding, Critical thinking by drilling down as well as expanding the knowledge of whatever you are attempting to resolve increases your opportunity create change that elevates the consciousness of the planet. As you take care in your own assumption about what is true, pay attention to an inner pressure to make another do what you feel is right. Stop, Look and Listen to yourself and the other person, stop acting… take a break, and go within to observe yourself and the underlying assumptions you hold, return to center.

And if you are being pressured against your own inner sense of knowing, that is free of bias but truly instinctive, then you can use your critical thinking and mindfulness to take the best action for your self. When pulled in to create policy, actually discern for yourself what you believe, pay attention to the dynamic aspect of society, listen thoroughly and investigate fully before you proceed with a proposal to avoid social policy change that results in unintended consequences. in love and light, bg

dr beth gineris is an integrative medicine practitioner in albuquerque, new mexico. she offers compassionate, mindful guidance to online coaching clients and clinic patients daily using her medical intuitive, clinical counseling, energetic rebalancing, and oriental medicine skills.  a great class on MAAPS and how to have more positive and empowering relationships is happening in Albuquerque, NM at the center March 15, 2014. Reserve your place at http://www.bethgineris.com  

Spiritual consciousness evolution happens through transcending and connecting to the place where spirit and human are best, not one better than the other. bg


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Mind reading 101

 

Ever hear from your partner,

‘do you expect me to be a mind-reader?’

Well, the truth is

Yes you do!

Why?  

Because if your partner really paid attention then he or she would know what you want in the relationship.

Using your full capacity to listen, and pay attention results in the other person feeling seen, loved and understood. This article is about mind-reading 101.

Mind reading…. 101.  It’s really about being mindful and observant, like a mentalist, which will look and feel like you have esp.  When you pay attention with all your senses and mindfulness you can really understand your partner.  And, when you feel heard by someone else you feel real and loved.

Kahlil Gibran references this in his poem book, The Prophet (1923, 1978, 1984).  Which is an oft-quoted book at marriage ceremonies.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s Mindfulness book, Peace Is Every Step (1991, Bantam Books, New York), offers insight:

“Darling do I understand you enough? Or am I making you suffer?Please tell me so that I can learn to love you properly…..”  Real Love, pg 80.

“Love is a mind that brings peace, joy,and happiness to another person.  ….The essence of love and compassion is understanding, the ability to recognize the physical, material, and psychological suffering of others, to put ourselves ‘inside the skin’ of the other.  We ‘go inside’ their body, feelings, and mental formations, and witness for ourselves their suffering.  Shallow observation as an outsider is not enough to see their suffering. …When we are in contact with another’s suffering, a feeling of compassion is born in us.  Compassion means, literally, ‘to suffer with’.

…” Meditation on Compassion, pg 81, 82.

To develop this quality in yourself, follow these 6 easy steps.

  1. Know yourself.  Develop your understanding of your wants, your strengths, and limitations.  Once you know where you are you can allow yourself to feel trust and then open to your partner’s needs, wants, and perspectives. Knowing yourself allows you to connect with other’s and see not only your own perspective but that of another.
  2. Open your heart.  From an open heart you can hear through defensiveness.  From an open heart you are able to practice compassion and loving paradigm shifting.  Think duck, bunnyimagesB paradigm shifting – both are real/true/accurate, just different perspectives of the same image:
  3. Reset your senses to neutral. This is the idea of choosing to connect rather than be right.  Choosing to remove fight from your vocabulary in order to focus on deflecting negative or attacking energy and going underneath that to the injury or suffering or pain of the other and seeking to create/find understanding and connection.
  4. Observe another’s face, voice/tenor, and gestures. Stop, look, and listen.  Make the connection through observation and clarification.  Pay attention, notice incongruence and seek a way through to a deep understanding and knowing of your partner.
  5. Use yourself as a reflection of your partner. Feel into your own body as a reflection of the other’s heart rate, anxiety, breathing, tension, peace; listen to your inner voice – for something off, something strong, something intuitive.
  6. Speak your feelings and thoughts, use clarification and inquiry from a balanced loving neutral place – not defensive. Reflect what you see as the incongruence.  Deflect/deflate another’s anxious negativity, or look for clarification of how he or she got there… discover what was the preceding action that triggered the anxiety or angry response; feel into yourself and then inquire from your partner, to ascertain what you partner is looking to receive so that he or she feels seen, heard, connected and loved.  Once you understand or get clarity on this information, give it lovingly and without condition.

Your capacity to read another’s mind is directly related to your personal self-knowing and your desire to connect, understand, and paradigm shift.

Meditation, Mindfulness, Removing fight from your vocabulary, and Developing you connection to your internal sensory guidance center are actions that improve your capacity to develop compassion, understanding, and care within you.

Living in this way will elevate your spiritual consciousness and result in deeper, more powerful, and mutually satisfying relationships in all aspects of your life.  in love and light, bg


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Facing Fears, Disarming bullies

Heart pounding in your chest when you look at or think about someone?  It might be love..

or it might be fear.  How you interpret that pounding is context.

To face your fears and disarm the power of bullies you have to shift your interpretation of that pounding from fear requiring flight…..

  • to acknowledgement requiring mindful action…
  • and then to love seeking an opportunity for recognition.

Facing fears is knowing your self and then seeing, understanding, and clarifying how you fit into the situation you are facing.

This is best done, gently and quietly, allowing your heart to guide your actions.

Fears derive from  a lack of knowing…

  • a habit-reaction to another experience that feels similar…
  • control or mis-allocation of energy toward protection…
  •  mis-understandings.. of yourself and expectations, or  of another and expectations (or both)
  • an inappropriate paradigm that doesn’t take into account the whole picture of ‘what is’.

Love is indeed the best treatment for fear.

But getting from the fear to love can be blocked or feel impossible if you haven’t developed your internal path to grace.

To a lesser degree getting from anger or insecurity to forgiveness and gratitude is also difficult.

These steps can help.

  • Set aside time to discover who you are through breath, meditation, journaling. yoga, and other creative pursuits.
  • Practice using the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, to reset your placement of power august 15, 2012 post four agreements plus one (this strongly diminishes your sense of fear).
  • Set your internal personal goals as paramount for your energy and behavior so that you are not spending oodles of time meeting others expectations but rather directly focusing your energy and resources on what brings you joy.  This returns you to empowerment rather than a sense of smallness and disempowerment. It moves you out of reactivity and into proactivity.
  • Accept that your path to ‘greatness’ doesn’t follow the same path as others and embrace your friends’ successes with the sense that this increases your chance of greatness too (rather than experiencing the sense of competition or limited chances to greatness).
  • Focus love and compassion toward yourself and others.
  • Release the need to prove your point.

Be willing to adjust your position as you receive new information.  Be free to grow, change, and uplevel your understanding and consciousness.

  • Receive criticism from others as if it is coming from someone who deeply and truly loves you, this shifts your receptiveness, because it disallows a sense of defensiveness  – then you can ascertain if there is a grain of truth in it or of no value.

The idea of someone trying to overpower you is co-created.  You and she co-create the drama.  You can disarm the overpowering fear by following these steps.  In most circumstances this will free you to create a different more equally empowering situation.  If it doesn’t, if the other person really wants control, just remember you have free will in how you want to participate.

You cannot engage your free-will when you are in a reactive mode.  Pay attention to what causes reactivity in you. Heal that and you can remove the target from your back for those who are consciously and unconsciously engaging in this fear promoting behavior.

This will free up a huge amount of energy for you to create precisely what your heart desires.

Make real efforts to not act as if you are somehow more evolved than another, that actually is a provocative/bullying tactic. in love and light, bg

front cover.me2we

Gineris, Beth. Turning NO to ON:  The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness, 2011; Turning ME to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness, 2013.


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Create Space for Joy, 3 steps

Hello and Welcome!

Real joy heals.

Here are three simple steps to create space for Joy to come into your energetic, personal field and Balance your Life.

  • One remove fight from your vocabulary.
  • Two focus on your strengths rather than your limitations.
  • Three Be Grateful…even when you are in dire circumstances.

Whether you experience Joy or not is completely up to you…

What happens to you is outside of your control HOW you respond to what happens to you is COMPLETELY within your control.

Joy is a matter of attention and intention.

Practice these three steps every day and you will create space for JOY.

Your environment may not change immediately but as you change…and because all of life is a system, once you change your joyous effect on your environment will positively affect everyone and everything within it.

This works in both directions, choosing joy creates more pleasing (and less negative experiences) and choosing negativity begets more negative experiences.

If you want to Change the world, or just change your world…BE the change…. change your perspective, change your language…be in your relationships what you want to experience in relationship.

Change how you see, look for connection, understanding, and moments of perfection.  Have that attention and intention drive how you see and you will experience more space for Joy.

Three steps: remove fight from your vocabulary, focus on your strengths, and be grateful practiced daily create space for Joy.

I am deeply grateful for your continued interest and fantastic work on the planet. in love and light, bg


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focusing on mindful living leads to spirit, mind, body health

Hello and welcome:

I was asked last weekend to give a lecture at the ABWA, American Business Women’s Association, New Mexico Fiesta on Turning the Triple Play – Keeping Life in Balance.  Here are some of the important tidbits I shared with the 40 or so attendees.

If you want to be successful in the three arenas of your life, self, family, and business or work, then you will want to follow develop these 4 Habits:

Habit 1: SPIRIT meditation, Breath, prayer

Meditation, Prayer, Breath daily or twice daily to redirect and refocus your energy, attention, and intention.

This connects spirit, mind, and body, increases access to your balanced core self and increases your ability for critical thinking, flexibility, and quick responsiveness.

Belly breathing alone can reset your cells, mood, emotion, realign and center you.

Brain scans on long-term meditators show that regions associated with attention, self-awareness and sensory processing are thicker in meditators, and that this can offset age-related cortical thinning: “evidence for … cortical plasticity” (Lazar SW, Kerr CE, Wasserman RH, et al. Neuroreport. 2005;16(17):1893-1897).

“The regular practice of meditation may have neuroprotective effects and reduce the cognitive decline associated with normal aging.” (Pagnoni G. Cekic M. Neurobiology of Aging. 2007;28(10):1623-7).

Evidence found as a result of mindful meditation: Increase in cortical thickness in areas assoc. w/ attention, interoception, & sensory processing such as prefrontal cortex and right anterior insula, using this network to attune to internal senses via the social neural circuits involved in interpersonal attunement, including the middle prefrontal regions, insula, superior temporal complex, and the mirror neuron system – all from mindful meditation practice AND more positive Amygdala responses:  positive affect regulation by optimizing prefrontal cortex regulation of the amygdala. AND Left sided anterior activation: develop tendency toward positive emotional responses & approach /reward oriented behavior, (which aids in decreasing symptoms of depression and anxiety)(Applied Mindfulness Current Psychiatry Vol8.no12p40 2010).

Consider the power of the serenity prayer:  release what you cannot control, shift what you can control, discern the difference

Any of these activities can increase your spiritual meditative connection : Soothing/meditative music; Meditative walking,running;  hiking, dancing; yoga practice; Prayer; Gardening.  Any activity that brings mind/thinking to neutral and offers a spiritual connection with whatever feels spiritual to you

Habit 2: MIND release anger,reduce stress

Address anger and frustration early to extinguish them from your daily routine. Paradigm shift, Forgive, Be compassionate, Be Mindful

Understand Anger’s role: The Alarm aspect, your sensory guidance system: Alert, Respond, Clear

Step out of your Survivor scenarios and Habit reaction patterning – if you want more information about these and how to do that search this site with these phrases, I have written a lot about them – or you can read my two books on mindfulness in parenting and partnering see link below.

Befriend your Anger.  Discover what messages it is giving you, which boundary has been crossed and then see if you can reset your internal alarm system and let it go but releasing it and taking the required action.

Focus on the attitude of Gratitude.

Ways to reduce stress and release anger include: Inverting misbeliefs and focusing on what you want rather than what you fear.  Breathing through until you can reset yourself and be mindful.  Using mindful communication.  Practicing yoga. Journaling to investigate underlying issues or to dump worries.  Using a time-in or stop, look and listen method, thought stopping, and EFT.

Activate the power of gratitude and Forgiveness

Prolonged stress (and unresolved anger) leads to wear-and-tear on the body (allostatic load) Mediated through the Sympathetic Nervous System; Allostatic load leads to:  Impaired immunity, Accelerated atherosclerosis, Metabolic syndrome (hypertension, high cholesterol, type-2 diabetes, central obesity), Bone demineralization (osteoporosis), and Chronic stress can sensitize the brain for the later development of depression (McEwen BS. Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2004;1032:1-7).

Mindfulness practice increases:  Neural plasticity, Immune modulation, Anti-inflammatory, Enhancing immune function, positive Behavior/ lifestyle change, Improvements in sleep, Rumination reduction, and General wellbeing (Ivanovski B, Malhi G. Acta Neuropsychiatrica 2007;19:76-91).

Habit 3: BODY Eat, drink, sleep, exercise

Eat whole foods that are grown or cared for in a humane loving way, are primarily prepared by you or someone you love, and look like a rainbow to support your physical health.

Drink 3 liters of water a day, more if you exercise or live in a dry climate.  Water, not tea, or coke, or coffee etc…H2O positively helps with your cellular health. It positively affects your cognition, heart, electrical gastroenterological, kidney-urinary, and immune system – WOW, right?!

Water is profoundly necessary for your body systems and mind to work efficiently, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2908954/

Your hydration needs are affected by your exercise habits, the altitude at which you live, whether you are menstruating, and your personal system imbalances ( ie: slow digestion, toxicity, meds etc)

Exercise 1 hour a day for maximum health if you are not currently doing this, move up to it slowly to build your muscles and systems in a healthful way. Begin with 20 minutes every other day then move to 15 minutes daily, then 30 minutes every other day and them 20 minutes daily, until you make it to 60 minutes a day.  Choose an exercise regime that suits you, holds your interest, brings in fun.  Positive Benefits of Yoga -> reducing depressive symptoms, and inducing remission in mild to severe depression in depressive disorders – WOW! (Current Psychiatry Vol.8,No10,p39-47).

7 benefits of exercise:  1/ Controls weight, 2/combats health conditions/diseases heart, cholesterol, breath capacity, strength, cognition, 3/improves mood, 4/boosts energy, 5/promotes sleep, 6/increases interest and capacity for sex, 7/ fun – creativity, healthy competition, focus, endurance, social, widens interest. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/exercise/HQ01676 .

Sleep 6-8 hours a day.  Sleep is the most powerful health promoter! It balances your brain, blood, spirit, reduces pain and inflammation.  Don’t ignore it!  Sleep is the great neutralizer and reformer.

Sleep plays an important role in learning and memory consolidation.

Sleep deprivation can result in memory loss and diminished fine motor and cognitive skills; can impede response time in crisis situations and increase psycho-emotional problems.  Lack of sleep can increase pain experience.

sleep 7-9 hours each night/get to sleep by 11pm.  School-age children need 9-10, Babies/Toddlers require 12-14 hours of sleep; Teenagers need 8-10 hours of sleep. For kids sleep debt can lead to an increase of restlessness, attentional, oppositionality issues

Sleep affects Cognition, learning, health, experience of pain & stress; it benefits your Spirit, Mind, and Body: http://www.mindfulparentingmag.com/2012/11/29/the-importance-of-sleep/

Habit 4: the power of community, rejuvenation, and networking

Connecting, collaborating, networking, and groups offer a special kind of balance.  Finding a space to belong, share struggles and get support increases your power in maintaining the balance in these four habits.

Studies show that women respond to stress with tend and befriend.  Connecting in ways that help with self growth and rejuvenation, work interests and social endeavors through focusing on learning or maintaining knowledge helps keep your mind healthy.

Focusing on groups that sustain your body like exercise groups or training or food.  And connecting with spiritual outlets will keep you centered and grounded.

See how you can institute these four habits today.  Enjoy, enlighten, and inspire your self, and your life in every aspect of it,  Namaste. in love and light, bg

Gineris, Beth. Turning NO to ON:  The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness, 2011; Turning ME to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness, 2013.  www.bethgineris.com


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mindfulness and parenting revisited

Hello and Welcome

Negotiating the treacherous waters of parenting can be anxiety provoking and discouraging.

This results from both internal insecurity and external unpredictability.

Three steps will keep you in the flow and having fun as you reclaim the role of mama/papa/leader.

Step 1.  Strengthen your connection to your personal sensory guidance system.  This is the connection to the information freeway  from your five senses and your intuition.  This is information about your environment, your child, and others that assists you in making thoughtful decisions. Step 2. Trust your knowing of your child. Listen to him or her – listen with your ears, your heart, and your sensory guidance system. Step 3. Guide with strength and lovingkindness. Be self-confident and go with the flow. Be patient, kind, and firm.  Say I am sorry, and make efforts to shift your responses to best meet you child’s needs.  Model respect and trust by being respectful and trustworthy.  In all your disciplinary responses focus on learning and loving; be loving and sensitive to the multi-level issues involved, respond quickly and clearly, and use the opportunity to teach joy and strength in being a responsible person; an individual connected to a community.

To help you embrace the three steps, understanding the nature of the parenting is key.

  • Parenting is modeled.
  • This means that you learn how to parent from your interpretation of your own parenting.  This concept of learning social interactions through your group associations is a function of how the human brain develops over the first 24 years of life; and a part of what happens whenever you enter a new social group, environment.
  • What you see done is what you incorporate into doing to others and to yourself; as you age the internalized reflection of yourself becomes solidified.  Once you are into middle age the malleability of your reflection, your internalized sel-persona/picture requires a release of the accepted self and a reevaluation of ‘who you are’… due to the solidified nature of your introjected self, often this requires a traumatic event to shift your internal accepted picture of self.
  • There is a strong desire to be accepted and approved of by your significant others (beginning with moms and dads, and then moving on to peers).
  • You know who you are and how you should be treated, what you perceive as your role in relationship, from what is reflected to you by your parents, your primary caregivers, and your first social groups –> your siblings and cousins, and then your peers, friends.
  • So, if there is dysfunction or trauma or damage in those early relationships you have deficits in your ability to navigate the waters of parenting your children.

Cognitive/behavioral therapy, meditation, yoga, and mindfulness development uplevel your consciousness so that you can shift and rebalance your inner self perception and your outer actions.

Trust, be trustworthy, act with strength and kindness, be forgiving and persevering.

As you guide, be willing to incorporate new information about your child or your beliefs and make adjustments to your course to align your actions, beliefs/values, and your parenting.

Parenting is a dynamic, organic (as in living and responsive to environmental changes) process.

  • Be confident, proactive, reflective, flexible, and trustworthy in your actions and intentions.
  • Be willing to adjust your response and be flexible as you see the need to do so and be firm when you perceive this is important.
  • Respond with seriousness to serious problems, and playfulness with problems which are not serious; stay responsive and discern the difference.  in love and light, bg


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Faith vs. Fear

Hello and Welcome

Being a spirit-human, challenges you in the realms of faith and fear.  Fear is what drives your lower chakra survival mentality. Faith is what drives your upper chakra thriving spirit.   This is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid (1954, 1990) and the idea of moving from Me through I to We in how you perceive your power, relationships, and environment.

You see/experience what you believe, and you believe what you see/experience.  Fair enough.

If you feel fear but desire to shift into faith you need to activate your upper chakras and balance your lower chakras.  You can do this through intentional action.  In order to shift your perception, you have to move out of fear-based, survivalistic, limited resources perspective into a joy-based, thriver, perspective of faith.  Faith being the knowing that you will be what you desire if you do not get in your own way with fear.

Faith, love, joy expand your experience; these expand your access to creation in the positive, seeing collaborative solutions, and recognition of your full power.

Fear, hate, and despair limit your experience; these diminish your access to creation in the positive, cloud/impair  your vision, and reduce your recognition of your power and solutions.

Try this simple exercise to feel the difference.

  • frown.
  • breathe shallowly
  • look for every possible negative attribute or impediment to your desire
  • read about the many tragedies and heartbreaks in making changes
  • greet others with a negative attitude certain that they will work against you; redirect yourself to the (-)
  • at the end of 24 hours of this set of actions, note how you feel – you will notice you feel constricted, fearful, small, discouraged, heavy, tired, fatigued, and isolated – you may want to eat sugar, drink alcohol, or pick a fight with our children or partner.

Now, try this simple exercise to feel the difference

  • smile.
  • breathe deeply
  • look for every possible positive action or path to your desire
  • read about the many joyful and heart-filled experiences in making changes
  • greet others with a positive attitude, certain that they will work to your advantage; redirect yourself to the (+)
  • at the end of 24 hours of this set of actions, note how you feel – you will notice an expansion, a sense of courage, feeling bigger, joyful, light, energized, and connected – you may want to eat fruits and vegetables, whole, healthy food, to juice, eat protein, and drink water; you will have more energy to understand our child’s or partner’s needs and feel they are present for you and you are more available to them.

Faith or Fear, the choice is yours.  Albuquerque skies

The outcome is defined by which you choose – which outcome would you prefer to create?  in love and light, bg

Maslow, A.H.  Motivation and Personality. NewYork: Harper, 1954.  Gineris, B. Turning ME to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness. Charleston, SC: Createspace, 2013.


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Creating boundaries opens space for connection

Hello and Welcome!

Relationship change and growth are adventures into your heart and soul.

Relationship styles follow a developmental process from Me-style through I-style to We-style.  The Me-style of relating has diffuse and enmeshed boundaries.  Which mean the boundaries between Me and You in relationship get blurred.  The way in which a participant in a Me-style relationship makes decisions is through a need to agree with, or merge into the other to feel the connection.  This is how the co-dependence begins.  The individual in a Me-style of relating has difficulty saying No when asked to act or be in a way that is inauthentic, because the driving force is to connect at all costs including loss of self.  The picture of this kind of relationship is two halves coming together to make a whole.  So there is a lack of boundaries between the two participants.   (  )

To move into an I-style of relationship requires closing off the boundaries around yourself.  Developing a sense of yourself that is defined from within so that you can guide yourself toward your own goals.  You need to develop ways to meet your own needs and to depend on yourself.  This is both exhilarating and frightening.  Once you do this you are freer to develop into a fuller picture of yourself.  Rather than two halves making one whole you are developing a whole picture of yourself so that you can move into and I-style of relationship, two Is walking side-by-side without integration.  Connection is through a tally sheet of exchanges.  Here competition, defensiveness, and independence drive the relationship so that an individual in an I-style of relating has difficulty saying Yes when asked to create dependence or interdependence.  The fear for an individual in an I-style of relating is to become engulfed into the other and lose himself.  As with the Me-style of relationship this is a result of an insecure sense of self.  Unlike the Me-style of relationship, where the drive to be connected causes enmeshed or a lack of boundaries, in the I-style of relating the fear of enmeshment results in overly rigid boundaries.  The picture of this kind of relationship is two Is walking side-by-side, solitary selves walking next to each other without integration.  0 0

You have to develop a solid sense of yourself, deal with adversity against your picture of yourself , and create a personal relationship with yourself, to live in an I-style of relationship.  After solidifying this experience and developing a sense of trust that you will not sell yourself out, you can begin to move into a We-style of relationship.  An I-style of relationship is a stepping-stone to get to a We-style of relationship.  This is because you have to develop boundaries first (I-style) before you can be flexible with your boundaries in a dynamic way (We-style).

The interdependence of a We-style of relationship allows for strength of self and connection to other, simultaneously.  The We-style of relationship incorporates support of the individual and collective goals and needs with a dynamic, flux movement between the resources of the relationship toward whatever of these needs attention at any given time.  This requires strong boundaries and flexibility in the interdependence of the two individuals and the third aspect, the relationship or partnership.  So that rather than ½ + ½ = 1 (me-style) or 1,1 (I-style) you create a situation where 1+1 = 3, or more than the sum of its parts (we-style).  The picture of the We-style of relationship includes two wholes and a third aspect, which is the area the two individuals overlap to create the relationship vortex, o()o (view this symbol as two circles overlapping each other to create an inner vortex).

Fear can really be a block to change, embracing the attitude of adventure can reframe your fear into excitement, offering an energy or anticipation to help you to flow with the change rather than block or freeze when faced with change.

This is how boundaries work.  Boundaries create a definition.  They clarify this is me, and this is you, through defining where you end and another begins.  This clarification creates a deeper understanding of each individual and also how couples, partners or groups coexist and share goals.  From the defined individual space, the boundary, you can create the space for a sense of oneness and togetherness.

Flowing through the process of change begins with gentleness.  Boundaries assist in creating an internal container, so that you can move through a process of change more harmoniously.  Creating boundaries comes out of self-love, and love toward your partner.  The clearer you are about you and other the better you are about defining what you want and what you can give in relationship.  Boundaries increase connection.

See if you can discover in a self-affirming, authentic way the edges of you and how you integrate with your partner this will give you space to discern an interdependency that support you both and your relationship. in love and light, beth


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11. T’ai, Peace, I ching: as a Guiding Source of Turning Me to We

Peace comes from receptivity driving creativity – mind following heart:

11.T’ai. Peace, I Ching.

K’un(receptive) above, ch’ien creative) below

…Great approaches. Good fortune. Success.The image:  Heaven and earth unite:  the image of PEACE. Thus the ruler divides and completes the course of heaven and earth; he furthers and regulates the gifts of heaven and earth, and so aids the people.  Wilhelm/Baynes, 3rd edition (1959, 1967, 1971)

The concept of heart guiding focus is a part of mindfulness, Taoism, Buddhism, and Christianity.  The implication of the treatise to do the right thing as guided by god is a part of the Jewish, Islamic and Hindu traditions.  The threads of rightness as proclaimed from the unification of earth and heaven, human and spirit, with the guidance of rightness from ones heart (spirit) rather than ones mind allows for ‘peace on earth as it is in heaven’.

Cues to the many threads of agreement are found throughout religious and spiritual texts if your willingness to look for agreement (collaboration and connection) overrides your desire to be right (competition and narcissism).

In order for Peace to be the defining force among humans, the consciousness of rightness must shift out of an adversarial Alpha-style of civilization to a Beta-style of collaboration.  This is the effect of Turning Me (driven by competition and narcissism) to We (focused through collaboration and connection); rightness from a dualistic perspective, Kohlberg shifting to rightness from a holistic perspective of inclusion and care, Gilligan.

It is predicted throughout time by philosophers of various beliefs and in varied social-spiritual texts that to unite human and spirit, have the mind create what is known as truth in the heart.  Mindful partnering is the way of upleveling consciousness and living in the light of universal spirit on the earth-plane so that all beings are upleveled together.  The resultant style of interaction among spirit-humans is Peace.

This heart focused style of relating comes out of connecting and unifying rather than dissecting and dividing. The means of how you get to Peace matters; a means that follows mind without heart, leads to destruction rather than unification of heaven and earth, even if the intent of the actor is that of Peace.  This mind separated from heart style is human thinking separated from spiritual truth.  Non-violent actions and words lead to the opportunity to create unity, connection and put heart (spirit) in the driving seat.  Violent words and actions, even toward an idealized goal or belief system, separate heart and mind and put mind in the driver’s seat.

The way  to higher consciousness-living now, follows the I Ching hexagram 11. T’ai – Peace, receptive above and creative below.  In every action let your heart lead; let your mind create what your heart (spirit) desires and knows as truth; see the other as yourself and your heart will be your guiding light in action. in love and light, beth


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Two parables, Your life is what you make it.

Hello, yesterday this blog hit the number, 19000 hits.  I feel grateful to my friends and their friends who have come to check out what’s happening here.  Thank you all, in love and light, bg

So today I want to share about two proverbs.

One is Taoist:  Let Go or Be dragged.  

It is the way.  Life is dynamically changing.  Sometimes the time comes to shift a situation.  You see this often in relationship.  The relationship has come to a place where a shift is required for it to continue in a healthy manner, but the individuals don’t want to let go of the habitual way they had interacted.

Releasing each other from the habitual or routinized interaction allows for the two individuals to float up and flow with the wave of change, perhaps coming back together in a better more healthful fashion; perhaps moving away from each other and into a healthier relationship with themselves, leaving space to create a new relationship.

Holding on can result in a spinning inward of negativity that ultimately drags down the energy of the relationship until it implodes.  This is just one description of the proverb, but the idea is to go with the flow, allow the flow of the universe to guide you and to release yourself from holding on to something that does not serve you.

The other proverb is the donkey in the well fable.

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried and struggled to get out but the sides of the well were too deep and too smooth for the donkey to exit.   For hours the farmer tried to figure out what to do. He could not figure out a way to help the donkey escape.  Finally, thinking the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway.  Rather than retrieve the donkey he decided to cover up the donkey and fill the well with dirt.

 At first, when the donkey realized what was happening he cried horribly. Then, he quieted down and let out some happy brays. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well to see what was happening and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was shaking it off and taking a step up.

As the farmer continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, the donkey continued to shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

The moral to the fable is this: Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick to getting out of the hole you are in is to shake it off and take a step up. Every adversity can be turned into a stepping stone. The way to get out of the deepest well is by never giving up but by shaking yourself off, and taking a step up.  To do this you need to change your inner perspective, your inner attitude, your interpretation of what is and what is not.  This allows you to see your situation from a differently and allows you to find solutions and take actions that help yourself.

More than anything in life, what happens to you isn’t what matters,

What matters is how you choose to respond to what happens to you.

Your life is what you make it.  Your paradigm defines what you see and what power you perceive you have, even what power you perceive others have over you.  The donkey could have lived (and died) in the paradigm he began with in his journey into the well; but in the fable he used his observation skills and thinking to shift his perspective and paradigm to change his circumstances by using the tools given to him – the rising dirt.

Both of these parables can be interpreted in a physical way, but they are equally as applicable to psycho-emotional and spiritual circumstances that require a shift in perspective.

In the donkey circumstance the shift from victim to thriver, creating his own way to safety was a physical, psycho-emotional and spiritual shift.  This is also true when faced with a circumstance where let go or be dragged applies.

Own your life.

Wake each day renewed in your belief in your self, belief in the world around you and in the people in your life that matter.  In this way you can be centered in your attention your unexpected and habitual experiences that require a shift.

Recognize that letting go is sometimes the most loving thing you can do even if the other is unaware of the gift.

And hold true to your inner strength even when those you believe in have let you down.

Thrive.

Model thriving.  Have your thriving rub off on those around you so that the world around you, and the people around you can all shift perspective in unison to walk out of the well they have fallen into.

With deep gratitude to you, in love and light, bg