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Change your Attitude, Heal your Soul, Balance your Life. Uplevel YOUR consciousness. Find your way HOME through MAAPS.


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Resilience is the key to strength

Mental toughness is more of an inner flexibility than an external rigidity. It is adaptability with push through.

I just finished my first half Ironman. It was an extraordinary experience.  Running across the finish line took grace and grit.  I think my experience there is a metaphor for life.  Each event has its own challenges and rewards.  Life is no different: Work, play, relationship, friendship, education/training, personal growth, parenting…these are all events in the landscape of life. The common factors of success in these utilize the tools of mental toughness.

When I’m working with a coaching client I focus on resilience, the ability to bounce back to push through undeclared, unexpected circumstances; ones capacity for adaptability creates the highest level of happiness and success in life.  Adaptability can cause troubles when there’s a lack of inner stability or core strength then the flexibility results in being pushed over.

This link applies mental fitness to triathlon:

https://www.teamusa.org/USA-Triathlon/News/Blogs/Multisport-Lab/2016/June/07/Mental-Toughness

Here are the ten tips:  the italicized information offers key ideas for developing resilience, adaptability, and mental toughness in life…mindfulness.

1. Approach new situations with a flexible mind and recognition of your own preconceptions. You know you don’t know everything, so you can’t really be surprised.  Paradigms are key here.  It’s not only what you think you know, it’s also what you have locked perceptions about. Allowing yourself to have a foundation that is flexible open and responsive to change makes all the difference.

2. Roll with the unexpected. If you’re giving a presentation and the lights go out, you move the party to the local restaurant and continue onward. Stuff happens; everyone knows it. But how you react to it is what counts. If you’re racing a triathlon and get a flat tire, you don’t throw a fit and break your bike in half. You change it — even if it takes you 30 minutes. Don’t give up. Perseverance, ease of transition, responsiveness… I call this respons- a- bility.  The ability to calmly and quickly assess, decide and act (respond) is the key.

3. Remain centered and focused. Other competitive types may try to throw you off with gamesmanship. It’s part of the competitive world, and you may do it too, consciously or not. Don’t let a competitor bait you into unwise moves ruled by emotion. As far as mental toughness within competition goes, you need to know your strengths and play to them, not to someone else’s tune. Stay on task with your goal whenever anything or anyone tries to interfere. Run your own race.  This applies to competition, and applies to life at every level.  Your skills are best exhibited in your own pacing, timing, and paradigm.

4. Defeat isn’t the end for you. You have lost before. You’ll lose again. Your ability to absorb these and move onwards with your race, career and life is what counts. Michael Jordan has a quote about missing 9,000 free throws or something like that. You get the point. Efficient learning happens after mistakes are made and corrected. Find your way through the labyrinth to the center.  Leave that there and move to the next event with a fresh face and clear mind.  This will keep you centered, mindful, and give you the best chance at success.

5. Believe in yourself. Recognize your talents with a realistic assessment of your skills. Really knowing that you’re good at something is empowering and will generally help you become even better as you believe in your ability and that skill. No one is good at everything, but we’re all great at something. Recognize this. Confidence creates strength and courage; draws success to you. Insecurity creates loss and deflation; pushes success away.  The key is to know yourself; having a healthy recognition of your assets and limitations.

6. Deal with the discomfort. Almost everyone is in pain the last few miles of a marathon or gets tired at some point in an IRONMAN. The front of the pack often separates not on their physical ability but their mental ability to deal with temporary physical states (like pain or fatigue). With a strong mind you can overcome. Mental toughness is knowing when the pain is something that requires immediate attention and when it is not.  This is what allows for push through and breakthrough in strength training and physical fitness.  Your mind can interfere with your physical fitness by stoping too early or going to long and creating injury. This is paramount in relationship and emotional development.

7. Channel your inner Wolverine. He’s angry, he’s got claws and he heals very, very quickly. Sometimes you have just got to break out a little Wolvie. I like to encourage your inner goddess or your inner warrior.  Focus, focus, focus.  Know your skills and use them to meet your goals.

8. Crap rolls downhill. It also rolls over you. Anyone in the business world knows that one. As an athlete, you will also experience your share of crap. Crappy workouts. Crappy days. Crappy equipment. Crappy training partners. Crappy races. My goodness, the world is full of crap. But you’re Teflon, baby. Let it roll on down. Move on to that hill over yonder.  Shake it off, shake it off.. reset.

9. When things go wrong, keep moving on. “Don’t give up” is a powerful and simple statement. What other options do you have? Is there another way? Is there any way? What do you have to do to make things go your way? Find it. Do it. This is the mental toughness that carries people through situations where weaker minds crumble. Commitment, perseverance…accept the situation respond to it with grace and grit, and a little bit of anger and a little bit of joy..that mixture gives you the strength and the mindfulness to persevere.

10. Things aren’t always your fault. Mentally tough people also tend to be drivers and doers with a predisposition to strong internal locus of control. That’s a funny way of saying that it’s easy to start to think you can make things happen by just doing your best. Some things are just out of your control, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Sometimes there is a competitor out there with a better idea, a higher V02 max or slightly better taper coming into his A-race. See the two rules above and move on. Channel your inner goddess, your inner warrior, your inner magician…recognize with focus you can bend time, break barriers go where no one has gone before…I can do it. The best mantra to get you to the finish line.

Mindfulness is a type of mental fitness. Thinks that will completely stop you are misbeliefs. This bog can help :

Healing core misbeliefs

Keep developing your mindfulness and you will finish and possible win whatever race you enter in life. in love and light, bg

Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2016 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries…and the elevation of consciousness.

front cover.me2weYou may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris.com. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS. Discover how your worldview works to your benefit or detriment, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships. MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money, Achievement, Attachment, Power, Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.

Discover your path, set an intention for what you want to create in your life: It’s difficult to get where you’re going without a map. 


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Healing core misbeliefs

I went to a conference recently that focused on healing core beliefs.  The idea behind the conference is

“What you believe you perceive, and what you perceive you experience”

Each of us fashions our life on misbeliefs.

Beliefs we developed in response to injuries, loss, and difficult situations.

The mind puts together an equation that reads: if this then thatif there is a contest then I will not win..the belief being I never win anything.  Or I never get picked first.  Or even deeper I am not Worthy or Loved.

When you build your life on a core misbelief such as I am not worthy or I am not lovable. Your experiences lead you to this conclusion.  

Let’s check out how one might create a structure that teaches her that message over and over again.

  • With a core belief I am not worthy: You might choose lovers or partners that either don’t have the communication skills to share with you your worth; You would experience always feeling taken for granted or unimportant.
  • Or you might choose people who are so self-focused they can’t see you (such as a neurotic or narcissistic personality); You would experience that nothing you ever did was good enough so that you mattered.
  • Or you might choose people who need you to take care of them and they can’t focus their energy on you…in that instance you would have to give and give without experiencing receiving love.
  • You might choose overwhelming tasks that you could not accomplish.  Or you might accomplish many things and still feel empty after completing them

The tendency is to think the problem is with the other person.

Catch yourself, notice if there is a pattern.  Is it in all your partners, close friends, lovers?  If it is, it may be more about you and your core belief.

This isn’t to say that the other person might not have the issue you think he does.

It’s just that if you want to change you experiences you have to change your core beliefs.

It’s harder to do than you think.  It takes real courage to see how you are holding yourself back from having the love or life you want.

Usually these core beliefs are set up from a standpoint of necessity.  They are a result of injury, trauma, something that has gone wrong in your original psychosocial development.  They may have been true about that one event, but not generalizable to all of life.  Once in place they are like shorthand, if this then that.  I have to give and give, no one will ever love me just for myselfhow do I know because that’s how (fill in the blank important caregiver) treated me.  And, it’s not that person’s fault either.  

It’s a belief.

It isn’t solid or real.  It drives the mind, but it doesn’t have to drive the heart.

Go into your heart feel your beauty, your lovableness, your worth.  Love yourself first then you will experience the love from those around you …and no that isn’t narcissism, that’s the flow of life.

It comes from within first.  Then it touches on everything else. in love and light, bg

Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2016 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries…and the elevation of consciousness.

front cover.me2weYou may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris.com. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS. Discover how your worldview works to your benefit or detriment, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships. MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money, Achievement, Attachment, Power, Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.

Discover your path, set an intention for what you want to create in your life: It’s difficult to get where you’re going without a map. 

 


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When you look into the face of another, see yourself

For days now I find myself feeling gratitude for the simple things. My health. My community. The people I love. My home. The opportunity to make a living doing something I love. My freedom.

The tragedy of what is happening on the global scene keeps breaking into my consciousness. People dying as they flee the homes they have had for generations. Children trying to learn in refugee camps without food or clothing. The deep unwillingness of government to care for these lost souls, the focus on power and manipulation is heartbreaking.

It’s more than just being mindful or having sympathy, I can actually feel the despair, anxiety, and fear. It’s heavy and stifling.

This feeling is part of my intuition and sensefulness, but it is more than having an open heart. I have the gift of empathy, not just sympathy, but actual empathic feeling.removing your invisibility cloak

Standing in line at the grocery store, I can feel the pain, fear, anxiety, anger of the person behind me.  When I work on my patients on my acupuncture table I can feel in my hand the pain in their body.  Sometimes, I can feel their precise pain in the various spots in my body, not just my hand. Sometimes I feel the pain of historical trauma, which they are numb from and sometimes I feel a physical illness.

It is an extraordinary experience and gift. I am very grateful, as it helps me in offering healing to others and in assessing their level of health.

However, it is a gift that needs managing.

This seeps into my sensing system from the global community too, from nature, the ocean and trees under attack, animals losing space, treated inhumanely, even in places where there have been atrocities.

When I was fourteen years old, I went to Dachau, Germany with a group of high school aged kids.  It was part of a music education program.  When I got off the bus I was hit by the oppressive death, fear, anxiety, and hatred that still hung in the air.

I couldn’t breath; I was sick to my stomach, doubled over in pain.  I couldn’t get fifteen feet away from the bus.  I had to sit down on the dirt, the earth.  It was like breathing in stale hot polluted air; this must be the feel of evil.

My body experienced what had happened there, it presented as deep pain, hot and dull, and sadness, profound despair, apathy and confusion.  How could humans treat other humans this way.

I remember looking at the flowers growing around me in the dirt, astonished that life could grow in such depleted energy.

Albuquerque skiesThis is the amazing rejuvenating power of the earth.  The earth can cleanse the most atrocious crimes.

After awhile, I could breathe and I could move.  I went through the camp and museum. I was cold; I felt heavy in my bones.  I could feel the numbness and the cries and screams in my being.

I am grateful for my ability to feel energy, left over emotion, physical and emotional blocks, spiritual disease.  What I learned that day was the importance of always being at one with the earth.  The importance of atonement.  The value of maintaining connection to the unseen energy that is the fabric of out interconnected beingness.

This experience was a powerful education for me about the importance of not following the crowd, of trusting and acting from my own intuition and instincts.  The atrocities that happened required the quiet agreement of people who knew it was wrong.  Yes, it was out of fear that they agreed, however it resulted in millions of deaths for no reason other than their heritage.

This empathy has always been part of me.  It made trouble for me as a young child growing up in a family with parents that didn’t understand me and how I knew so much.  I have been used by others over the years for this gift, before I came to understand it and learn to manage it as part of me, yet separate from my true being.

Over time, once I understood my intuitive, empathic sensefulness self, it has made my work with my clients and patients more effective.  It has made my life difficult, yet it has offered a place for true healing to take place in my healing practice, through my willingness to listen to it, be guided by it. I have had to learn how to manage it.

Sensefulness can create a way for you to guide your life toward success and prosperity, too. You can read this post for more information about how this works.  https://instinctivehealthmedicine.com/2015/09/02/mindful-action-requires-sensefulness/

In addition to sensing the pain of those in my practice, vicinity, or friendship community, I have also had a number of premonitive experiences: intuition, premonition, precognition, perception in time and space, 1.31.11

This continues as more ancient and present day communities are being traumatized in the middle east and in my own country.

reflectionFor me, rather than turn away or push away these deeply powerful experiences, I choose to face each person who crosses my path with direct care, and attention.  I choose to see in the face of the other, my face. I choose to find compassion and care within me to reach out and make a difference where I can.

This action, this step is the way through.  It is in the acts of kindness by strangers in small communities that we reclaim our human heritage.  That we are all one people, all connected by the planet on which we live and that we all want care and love.

I use my relationship with herbs, plants, rocks, animals, and nature to rejuvenate, to heal and release the trauma and disease that gets caught in my being because of my empathic healing.  I encourage you to act in this way, through compassion toward others.  And to use the healing power of being in nature to heal yourself.

In the next few weeks I will offer specific rituals that you can use to increase your sensefulness, your intuition and compassion AND to heal and release negative energy that you have in you from these and other experiences.  You can follow this blog to get more information.  Also, if you desire to have a healing from me you can contact me through my website to set up a clearing and reading. bethgineris.com  in love and light, bg

Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2016 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries…and the elevation of consciousness.

front cover.me2weYou may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris.com. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS. Discover how your worldview works to your benefit or detriment, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships. MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money, Achievement, Attachment, Power, Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.

Discover your path, set an intention for what you want to create in your life: It’s difficult to get where you’re going without a map. 


Leave a comment

The Arousing, 51 chen (shock, thunder) Source energy uplifts in times of crisis

As I am facing a deep upheaval and change in my life, I am reminded of the power of my inner connection to spirit, and the fabric of life. This post offers lovely insight into how spirit and crisis are powerful partners.in love and light, bg

InstinctiveHealthParenting4U

When there is an upheaval in your environment you get an opportunity to re-evaluate your perspective, your beliefs, and the values on what you base your life and actions.

You get an opportunity to re-set your core values – your inner guidance system.  Just as your senses are your internal emotional guidance system to know when a boundary is being crossed, so are your core values your internal spiritual guidance system to set your course through your life.

When your life is bombarded by a set of upheavals or changes you are given an opportunity to reset your life course, your choices in how you move through, and act in your own life.

Upheaval and change can be a profoundly freeing and joyous time.  In every element it is like a new birth and new commitment to yourself and your goals.

Spiritual connection is paramount.  This does not have…

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the power of soul work

I have had the great fortune of meeting my life’s love a second time in this lifestream. Strangely it is more painful than I expected. It has created a sense of chaos and opportunity that causes all other challenges to pale in comparison.
My beloved friend died in a car accident years ago. And I have had the great good fortune of meeting him again in a new vehicle: a new face, a new body, a new personality, a new self…yet in those eyes I see my beloved, in those hands I feel my beloved, in the lightest of movements, and behavior I hear and see his soul’s energetic fabric.
For me this is the proof of soul connections…of the idea of multidimensional space…of spirit incarnate.

To have this experience is extraordinary.

To speak of it is challenging.

There are few who truly believe and accept this phenomenon. It is described in ancient, sacred texts, talked about by psychic mediums, and written about by current day screenwriters. But it isn’t accepted by critical thinkers.  Edgar Cayce and Brian Weiss have described this phenomenon, and they have offered examples and writings to bring the information forward.

For years, I have been able to read for others, offering insight into behaviors, intuitive psychic information about the future and the past and how it applies to the now; I have seen other’s past lifes and offered these to help in their spiritual and psycho-emotional growth …but this personal experience is so much more profound.  Doors open in my consciousness as a result of this experience. The biggest challenge is how to remain at the soul level and how to remain tender, true, and kind to not only the soul connection but also the 3rd dimensional self.  It requires grace to incorporate it into my real three dimensional life.

The laws of the soul that transcends dimensions, that travels across timelines, are profoundly different from the laws of third dimensional physicality and morality. When walking your soul path along with your 3rd dimensional self you must be able to honor both sets of laws. In third dimension, there is life and death, black and white, even with the understanding in physics that all is in movement by observing atoms… the experience of a wall is still solid. To walk along the soul path, one must hold these limitations while opening your consciousness to the limitless experience of the soul.

The books offered by Edgar Cayce and Brian Weiss offer a pathway through this unchartered water.

It seems the one with the memories has quite a bit of consciousness juggling to do because the memories are so powerful; But at least there is a full knowing.  The soul who has forgotten or cannot express the knowing in an intelligible way, even to himself, has intense emotion without fabric.  It is painful.

There is an elevation of consciousness that is overtaking the planet.  The focus at times is chaotic.  People can feel the change, but are unable to identify the thread of how the elevation can make a difference.  The increase in seeing our connection to each other across nations is taking hold.

Along with this elevation, there is a deeper understanding of soul life; this soul work opens the opportunity for increased compassion; the importance of treating each person as if they are part of your soul family.  A brother or sister or lover from another spacetime, increases the true sense of connection and need for tenderness in response.

I am deeply grateful to have elevated my sense about the true interconnections not only across species and with the earth as a sentient entity, but also across time and space.  It is the unified field theory from the inside out. I hope this experience offers support to any of you who are beginning to see/feel/know information that transcends time and space. in love and light, bg


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What if…part 2. Working through loss.

There was such a positive and powerful response to the first section of chapter one, I thought I would offer the second section to the chapter…please let me know your sense about it… in love and light, bg

I notice the Dean’s lips are moving, but I can’t quite make out what she is saying.
Oh good. Finally she is talking.

Involuntarily, I shivered. She was sitting right next to me, but I couldn’t really understand what she was saying; the words were coming in like an out of tune radio station, they just didn’t make any sense. And then I heard her, sharp and clear…
“Robbie is dead.” “His car went off the road Saturday morning. The police think he was killed instantly.”
The thoughts inside my head blew about me …
No!
No, he isn’t dead; he can’t be dead. I have to tell him…
I have to see him.
I have to tell him how sorry I am.
I have to tell him I’m ready to marry him.
His face flashed across my inner vision. The feelings from our last meeting crashed in my heart.

Flash. Crash!

No! I have to set this right.
I heard my words reverberate back to me. “No! No, he isn’t dead.” “No you mean he’s in the hospital. He’s just hurt; he’ll be okay,” as if I was giving her the corrected line. I couldn’t accept what she was saying.
My urgency must have been unbearable for her. Her eyes blinked with tears. Gently, her head shook no.
She reached across the space on the couch to comfort me, patting my leg rhythmically. I felt faint. The room began to spin. I fell into her chest as she continued to now rhythmically pat my shoulder. She supported me as I broke down.
Her voice unwavering, “No Beth, he is not in the hospital. He’s gone.”
He was gone?
He left me without knowing that I had changed my mind?

Our last interaction, me being such a jerk, was now unforgivable.
It hit me like a one, two punch to my stomach. He was gone, my beautiful future stolen from me. My uncaring and inflated behavior was our last interaction. It stood like a headstone marker on his grave.
Her words and my memories pierced through my consciousness like a knife through my heart. The pain was debilitating. I couldn’t breathe.
I felt at the edge of nothingness, completely powerless. I sat there deflated, like a pierced party balloon. I don’t know how long I remained in this state. When I looked up, the sun was no longer shining and the trees outside mirrored my inner storm.

I finally composed myself enough to walk out of her office.
Her secretary smiled at me weakly as I passed down the hall.
It was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other; I could barely walk. I found myself at my dorm room. Thankfully, my suitemate returned to her previous muteness.

That was the only thing that returned to normal. Everything and everyone else was different. Night came and left. Day came and turned to night. Life continued around me but I was not a part of it. I felt robotic, disconnected, remote and out of sync with the whole of life around me. I couldn’t tolerate the birds singing or my friends laughing, wherever joy presented itself I turned away. Happiness grated on me like nails on a chalkboard.
I recoiled from life. Spiritless on the inside, I couldn’t even find the energy to fake it on the outside.

The image of her sweater with black marked stains stuck with me for a long time.

I numbly completed my last semester of college, in a fog, unable to concentrate on anything. Everything changed. I couldn’t bear to listen to music, people laughing, or see my friends. And it seemed they avoided me too. I was flat and lifeless; there wasn’t much there for connection.

Entire days went by without me seeing anyone.
I felt desolate, angry with myself, angry with Robbie, lonely and lost.

In the days that passed, I discovered how in his last moments of his precious life Robbie reoriented the direction of the car to save his passenger’s life. A stranger to our community, this sweet young man began to wish he had died instead of Robbie. To his face I said “no, no…don’t think that.” But in my heart I screamed, yes, yes, why do you get to live; why not Robbie. I hated myself for thinking and feeling that way. I couldn’t stop my heart pain. Life was so difficult and challenging. I was walking though water without a regulator, drowning with every breath.
That heroism was so consistently Rob’s character; he was always there at the right time, loyal and dependable when it really mattered.
Why didn’t he save himself? I was coming back for him.

Inconsolable, time passed in starts and spurts, and then it seemed to trickle by. So much of my energy went to managing my grief that little was left to relate to friends or complete my studies.

“Beth, I’m giving you this A grade because of your work here-to-for, not for the work in this paper.” The words written in red ink across the front of my final paper stung, but I was grateful for the understanding of my dearest sociology professor.
“This is sub-par work Beth, but I know this has been a difficult time so I’m giving you an A in the class anyway.” Another painful note in red from my psychology professor, I vacillated between painful prickling and numbness. I was grateful for their understanding. There was nothing inside to pull on for my studies; I was bereft of passion. There was just enough life in me to robotically go through the motions.

For the next six weeks, my senses were in a state of paresthesia; over and over my professors forgave my distracted, poor work.

Working at 20 percent, I limped into graduation.
Two months after Robbie’s death I graduated, said goodbye to my friends and school, and shut the door to my previous life.

Spiritless, I walked into my barren future. I was the skin you see from a cicada, perfectly formed with no life inside.
I filled the space with work.
Astonishingly, my logical, solution-focused father was the dearest comfort to me during that time.
Notes arrived. They slowly filled the empty space in my apartment and heart.
“Hi honey, thinking of you! Dad” staring at me as I brushed my teeth.
“Remember to get out and see friends. Dad” taped to my steering wheel. I taped them to my mirror, and used them as bookmarks. They marked my path back to life.
He had an unerring capacity to simply be present with me in my grief.
“Here’s a picture of Robbie from when he was at the house. Love, Dad” That picture became my velveteen rabbit.

One day on the phone he told me that Robbie (unbeknownst to me) arrived in my hometown earlier in the year that Robbie had died; he asked my father’s blessing to marry me.
The pictures of them together at my house simultaneously felt stabbing and comforting.
He knew I would come around. He knew I loved him.
He had to have known to fly from New York City to Albuquerque, just to see my Dad.

I kept seeing his face at that last meeting, and feeling how out of sync my actions were. It was shocking and triggered intense discomfort. Steadily though, my unconscious kept driving me toward forgiveness. Like a river pushes and pulls fragments down the current, my thoughts drove me toward forgiveness of him, forgiveness of me, forgiveness of God.

My Dad and I shared this deep love for Robbie.
“He was a good man honey. He loved you so much. I’m glad I got to know him. Keep working it will help you stay strong. You can come home any time you want to honey. Love, Dad.”
He loved you so much, stay strong, those words reverberated in my mind. It was one of the best notes I received from my Dad. I kept it in my favorite journal.

I worked by day as a law firm runner in LA and by evening as a residential counselor with developmentally delayed adolescents, teaching them independent-living skills.
I loved running by moonlight through downtown LA.
I savored my time alone. I don’t know if it was punishment or protective but it was healing. It gave me time to think, forgive, and distance myself from the intensity of what had happened. Although I did most things alone, I shared my apartment with my best friend from college. She was mostly gone working on political campaigns. I was mostly gone working. It was a perfect arrangement for healing.

I loved her so much because I didn’t have to explain what was going on with me. She knew. She loved me anyway. Other than Trish, I can’t remember making any friends.
My memories of that time are like snippets of fabric sewn together with travel along the Southern California freeways.
After fourteen months my senses came back.
Trish had to move to another state to follow an important campaign. I decided to move back to Albuquerque.
It seemed that light began to come back into my daily life.
I heard the birds singing and it didn’t make me want to yell stop. Music was inviting. I danced.
Somewhere, I found the space within me to have faith again in the fabric of Life.

Robbie’s death became a defining experience in my life. The importance of love, honesty, forgiveness, and acting in congruence with my true character became the boundaries required for health and freedom in relationship.
Ultimately, I felt my deliverance from my inner prison. Salvation lit me slowly with the realization that he knew I loved him. He saw through everything from beginning to end. I was the last to see the truth and it was too late to enjoy the love waiting for me.

I forgave myself for being immature and unthinking.
I developed an urgent need to be authentic in all my communications, a left over compulsion from that fateful night. It made me a bit intense and probably too serious.

Overtime, I befriended the ebb and flow of life and death.
I came to accept that there was a tapestry of life that I could tap into and flow with but that I had to remain sincere and accept the consequences of my actions.
If I had married Robbie, I may not have become the person I am today, leaving a hole in the fabric of the lives of those whom I have offered healing counsel. That’s how I think about it now. I walk in a state of grace, with a sense of gratefulness for the gifts I developed out of my devastating loss; grateful to have positively affected so many through that loss.

And it was from that knowing I spent my last weeks with my father as he got chemotherapy for end stage pancreatic cancer.

 

And so here is the first chapter of the book…Working through loss offers deep awareness of the tapestry of life…, how have your traumas elevated your consciousness?  Send me a comment or write one in the space below…in love and light, bg


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What if you knew this was your last day, would you change your story?

Here is the beginning to my next book…please tell me what you think in the comment section, or email me through my website, www.bethgineris.com  in love and light, bg

The Path to Grace, my life from 30 thousand feet: “Like the walls of my neighborhood seen from a thousand feet height, my life experiences create a path on the map to my life destiny.”

Chapter One: Who Knew
My last night with Robbie is seared into my heart and mind.
I was feeling bold, invincible; flirting with his friend and ignoring how it might feel to him; feeling free and without a care.
He seemed to take it all in stride. Standing there, his head tilted to one side, leaning on one foot, with that silly Cheshire-cat grin, but I could tell he was hurt underneath that unassuming demeanor.
That was my last image of him: my last verbal exchange, the defining last action in our relationship.
Later that evening, I called his home phone but the line just rang and rang.
The next morning I drove from LA to Phoenix.
He’s okay. We’ll get over it, once I get back. He knows it wasn’t real. He loves me more than anyone ever has…he will forgive me. The thoughts circled in my mind over the long drive.
During that weekend with my best friend I kept seeing his face. It started to bother me, even with all those previous reassuring thoughts on the drive. I had acted out of character for myself, so hurtful and uncaring. It nagged at the back of my brain.
He was a delightful confluence of opposites, brash and thoughtful, overly serious and disarmingly easygoing. He lived hidden in plain sight. His demeanor conveyed no trappings of materialism while his name connected him to a household name trust fund.
The nagging feeling dissolved into a powerful realization: I was avoiding stepping into the role of becoming an adult. It was obvious that we were meant to be together and now I had to take the next step, as he had long ago asked me to do. Finally, I was ready to marry him.
As I drove back, I was so happy. Everything just felt right. With beautiful images of his smiling face, and our future floating through my mind, I knew he would be ecstatic that I had come to my senses.
He is going to be so happy. It was all I could think about the whole way back to Claremont. I felt at peace with my decision to allow the strength of his love to pull me forward toward my destiny.

At my dorm suite I was met with an onslaught of paper messages posted onto my room door requesting me to report directly to the Dean of Student’s Office. My quirky suitemate who never talked with me, stopped what she was doing, looked up, and smiled at me.
How odd! I thought. Reflexively, I smiled back.
“You should go to the Dean’s office before you go to class.”
She just kept standing there staring at me. It was a little unnerving.
I brushed the back of my neck with my hand to smooth out my hair. “Yeah, okay”… I said absentmindedly, wishing she would return to not talking to me. I turned back to my door, barely stepping into my room. I dropped off my bag inside and looked around my room. It felt like something was out of place, but I couldn’t put my finger on what was missing. I grabbed my notebook for class and started out the door.
All I really wanted to do was find Robbie and tell him my decision. I felt so happy and complete.
“No really, you should go right now.” She was weirdly insistent.
“Yeah, okay. Thanks.” I quickly walked out of the suite relieved to be away from her.

Inside her office my dean gently ushered me into a private room. I had never been in this part of the office before. It was nice, quiet almost, peaceful. I wonder what they use this space for, I thought.

My memory of what followed is more like a set of snapshots then a flowing movie.
She looked sad. She was wearing a fuzzy, white sweater. She invited me to sit on her couch. And then she sat down next to me. Her entire continence was warm and sweet.
Weird… I thought. She is never this nice.
I looked out the window distractedly; it was sunny, the tree leaves were gently swaying as if they were in a dance with the wind.

When I turned my attention back to the Dean, she seemed to be moving in slow motion. It was taking forever for her to say what she wanted from me. I remember feeling irritated with her.
Okay Dean, Let’s get on with it. I am kind of in a hurry here…My mind kept thinking of Robbie and how happy he was going to be. I kept visualizing the image of his face, his Cheshire-cat smile with his head cocked to one side.
Robbie is going to be so happy.
I flashed back to the first time he asked me out. It was just after my boyfriend, Chuck, had broken up with me. There he was at my door.
“Hey, you want to go out.” He smiled that smile, leaning against the door, his shoulder length hair lightly bobbing.
“I thought you were dating Nancy.”
“Not anymore, we just broke up.”
“Oh…um, okay, sure.” I was less than enthusiastic. But it didn’t seem to bother him at all.
Later, that evening I ran into Nancy and she was superbly angry. “Hey Nance, what’s up?” I spoke to her as I passed her on the catwalk.
“Are you going out with Rob?”
“Yeah, he asked me to go to the club. He said you two were broken-up.”
“Oh yeah, we are. As soon as he heard you and Chuck weren’t together he came over to me, and broke-up with me. Turns out he’s been waiting to date you the whole time. I really should be mad at you. I liked him.” She stood there staring at me, trying to look angry, but mostly just looking depressed and a little bored. “I guess that’s just the way it is.”
“Nancy, I’m sorry,” she interrupted me, “Whatever Beth. It figures. I’ll see you later.”

I smiled to myself as I came out of the memory. Robbie always knew we were meant to be together. And as soon as I finish here, I can tell him he was right.
My mind came back to the room and the Dean. I started wishing that I hadn’t listened to my quirky suitemate.
For a moment I started to think I was in trouble.
And then, I felt a little mad. Why is everyone trying to ruin my good feeling about telling Robbie about my decision? What is she doing? I want to get to Robbie’s place before class.
Bits of thoughts swirled in my head as I waited quietly for her to speak. I tried to focus. There is definitely something off about this whole thing. I really wish I had just gone straight to Robbie’s.
I notice the Dean’s lips are moving, but I can’t quite make out what she is saying.
Oh good. Finally she is talking.
Involuntarily, I shivered. She was sitting right next to me, but I couldn’t really understand what she was saying; the words were coming in like an out of tune radio station, they just didn’t make any sense. And then I heard her, sharp and clear…
“Robbie is dead.” “His car went off the road Saturday morning. The police think he was killed instantly.”
The thoughts inside my head blew about me …
No!

…..

What if you knew the act you were taking, the words you were saying was/were going to be the defining action or statement in a situation…would you want to change the story?

There’s more to come and I will share it over the next three months…Hopefully the book will be available in 2016.  It’s a great resource to understand how and why to live mindfully. in love and light, bg

 

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