InstinctiveHealthParenting4U

Change your Attitude, Heal your Soul, Balance your Life. Uplevel YOUR consciousness. Find your way HOME through MAAPS.


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Turning Me to WE, understanding the Me-style of partnership

Dear Friends Welcome!

A friend requested elucidation of how the Me-style works if you are the one who gives yourself away by not holding or setting boundaries, especially when you are in partnership with a person who tends toward narcissism.

The me style is the concept ‘two halves make a whole’  perspective.  If in your situation you are the one who can’t say no, you have difficulty setting the boundary. If you are partnered with a narcissist, your partner has no capacity for empathy, no ability to actually see your point of view.  In psychological terms a person who is narcissistic is not specifically selfish – you can be selfish and not be narcissistic. To be diagnosed as a narcissist you have to lack empathy. The other diagnosis that has no capacity for empathy is a sociopath. What the two have in common is this lack of empathy.

Typically people who are caught in relationships with either sociopaths or narcissists have poor boundaries and lack self esteem (undeveloped inner security) and so don’t say no. They lose their sense of me, giving it away to their partner in hopes to feel/be loved.

The question where is the me is an apt one. The set of parameters for the me-style is dependency, diffuse or no boundary, lacks empathy, inner insecurity.   Remember it’s a style of partnering – so the driving focus is the driving me-need (for the giver away of self – the me-need that is driving is a need to be loved by an other – so although it looks like there is no me on her/his part, s/he is being driven by an insecurity me-need).

YOU can strengthen yourself by developing a healthy set of boundaries (defining and living through a set of boundaries of what is reasonable to give and take in relationship) and a healthy style of saying no ( identifying when you feel taken for granted by developing your awareness of your senses) as well as developing your inner security (discovering what you want and not accepting less than that- this includes recognizing your strengths and your limitations, and how these play into what you want in relationship).

Setting up these boundaries, increasing your sense of inner security, and developing compassion for yourself and your partner will get you ready for an independent, I-style relationship.

You may either grow together into a clearer more bounded relationship OR you may release each other to develop the next style of relating:  Two circles 00 walking side-by-side independently with firm, clear boundaries.  In this, the I-style, you may have to deal with stiffer boundaries as you develop your capacity to say no.  You may even find you are less flexible because you are defining those lines that you do not want crossed.

Once you feel comfortable in that kind of relationship you can develop flexibility with your boundaries and your paradigm recognition, shifting, and integration…. Thus allowing you to easily Move Into interdependence, through focus on connection and collaboration where both parties matter and a we-style of relationship.

Development through the different styles is a process.  Once you know where you are in the series of Me, dependent (co-dependent, driven by a set of inner insecurities), diffuse boundaries; I, independent (rigid boundaries, unable to say yes, due to a fear of losing self); We, interdependent, flexible boundaries focused on what you want rather than what you fear; then you can use that knowledge to develop qualities of empathy, boundaries, and inner security to get unstuck and achieve a more mutually satisfying relationship.

You can find out more in  Turning NO to ON:  The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness, (Gineris 2011); Turning ME to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness, (Gineris 2013).front cover.me2we

and discover where you are in the MAAPS section.  This will help you to manage your insecurities and understand how and why you developed your insecurity driver (Money, Achievement, Attachment, Power, Structure). in love and light, bg


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Mind reading 101

 

Ever hear from your partner,

do you expect me to be a mind-reader?’

Well, the truth is

Yes you do!

Why?  

Because if your partner really paid attention then he or she would know what you want in the relationship.

Using your full capacity to listen, and pay attention results in the other person feeling seen, loved and understood. This article is about mind-reading 101.

Mind reading…. 101.  It’s really about being mindful and observant, like a mentalist, which will look and feel like you have esp.  When you pay attention with all your senses and mindfulness you can really understand your partner.  And, when you feel heard by someone else you feel real and loved.

Kahlil Gibran references this in his poem book, The Prophet (1923, 1978, 1984).  Which is an oft-quoted book at marriage ceremonies.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s Mindfulness book, Peace Is Every Step (1991, Bantam Books, New York), offers insight:

“Darling do I understand you enough? Or am I making you suffer?Please tell me so that I can learn to love you properly…..”  Real Love, pg 80.

“Love is a mind that brings peace, joy,and happiness to another person.  ….The essence of love and compassion is understanding, the ability to recognize the physical, material, and psychological suffering of others, to put ourselves ‘inside the skin’ of the other.  We ‘go inside’ their body, feelings, and mental formations, and witness for ourselves their suffering.  Shallow observation as an outsider is not enough to see their suffering. …When we are in contact with another’s suffering, a feeling of compassion is born in us.  Compassion means, literally, ‘to suffer with’.

…” Meditation on Compassion, pg 81, 82.

To develop this quality in yourself, follow these 6 easy steps.

  1. Know yourself.  Develop your understanding of your wants, your strengths, and limitations.  Once you know where you are you can allow yourself to feel trust and then open to your partner’s needs, wants, and perspectives. Knowing yourself allows you to connect with other’s and see not only your own perspective but that of another.
  2. Open your heart.  From an open heart you can hear through defensiveness.  From an open heart you are able to practice compassion and loving paradigm shifting.  Think duck, bunnyimagesB paradigm shifting – both are real/true/accurate, just different perspectives of the same image:
  3. Reset your senses to neutral. This is the idea of choosing to connect rather than be right.  Choosing to remove fight from your vocabulary in order to focus on deflecting negative or attacking energy and going underneath that to the injury or suffering or pain of the other and seeking to create/find understanding and connection.
  4. Observe another’s face, voice/tenor, and gestures. Stop, look, and listen.  Make the connection through observation and clarification.  Pay attention, notice incongruence and seek a way through to a deep understanding and knowing of your partner.
  5. Use yourself as a reflection of your partner. Feel into your own body as a reflection of the other’s heart rate, anxiety, breathing, tension, peace; listen to your inner voice – for something off, something strong, something intuitive.
  6. Speak your feelings and thoughts, use clarification and inquiry from a balanced loving neutral place – not defensive. Reflect what you see as the incongruence.  Deflect/deflate another’s anxious negativity, or look for clarification of how he or she got there… discover what was the preceding action that triggered the anxiety or angry response; feel into yourself and then inquire from your partner, to ascertain what you partner is looking to receive so that he or she feels seen, heard, connected and loved.  Once you understand or get clarity on this information, give it lovingly and without condition.

Your capacity to read another’s mind is directly related to your personal self-knowing and your desire to connect, understand, and paradigm shift.

Meditation, Mindfulness, Removing fight from your vocabulary, and Developing you connection to your internal sensory guidance center are actions that improve your capacity to develop compassion, understanding, and care within you.

Living in this way will elevate your spiritual consciousness and result in deeper, more powerful, and mutually satisfying relationships in all aspects of your life.  in love and light, bg