InstinctiveHealthParenting4U

Change your Attitude, Heal your Soul, Balance your Life. Uplevel YOUR consciousness. Find your way HOME through MAAPS.


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Your internal MAAPS of Relationship

Hello and Welcome!  This is a reblog of a September 30, 2013 post.

To have a powerful, positive, and mutually satisfying relationship you need to decipher the code to your map.  Turning ME to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness (Gineris 2013) offers insight into how your create your inner map in relationship, what kind of relationship feels secure to you, and what drives that security.

It is like a mystery or a puzzle.  (more on puzzles and mysteries, instinctivehealthmedicine.com/2010/06/17/introspection-and-epiphany/Malcolm Gladwell)

Relationships are complex.  We use a map to partner.  This map is designed from these intersecting coordinates

  • Your temperament,
  • Your social group connections,
  • The prevailing Cultural beliefs of Your location in time,
  • And, your security drivers from your psychosocial childhood development:  What I call MAAPS

The key to navigating relationship is to discover what drives YOU to partner, what a good partner LOOKS like to your heart, mind, and body blueprint.  And when that picture has some skews in it – this book offers soul-utions for how to shift that center and boundaries of your inner map.

So what are the map-keys  in relationship?

  • Your family structure, how you observed your family relate to each other & YOU
  • Your personal group ties, religion, ethnicity, part of USA or other country, and your socio-economic status:  READ your BELIEF systems,

These feel instinctive but are learned.

It delineates HOW you develop in relationship.  From a ME style through an I style to  WE.  This is from dependent through an independent to an interdependent style of interacting

To shift from ME or I into a WE-style of relationship requires moving your paradigm perspective from DUALITY to UNITY.  Use the MAAPS security driver system:  Money, Achievement, Attachment, Power or Structure,  to decipher the code of relationships by understanding your insecurity drivers.  By reviewing the test you can discern which of the security drivers drives, how, with whom, and under what conditions you partner.

Once you understand your personal map you can use meditation, mindfulness, and breathwork exercises and techniques to shift perspective, from a Me or I into a WE-style of relationship.  Using various exercises to Unlink survivor scenarios or Habitual Reaction Patterns in relationship you free yourself from the constraints of limiting beliefs, fears, and insecurities.

Additionally embracing your integrated spirit mind, and body connection opens the space for true  Inner Guidance.

3 key components differentiate how you can relate:  empathy, boundaries, and inner security.

  • Me-style, dependence, narcissism, incapacity of empathy, difficulty with boundaries, diffuse boundaries – can’t say NO, feels empty at core and needs completion.
  • I-style, independence, competition, chooses to not use empathy for fear of loss of self, difficulty with boundaries, rigid boundaries – can’t say YES, fears engulfment and needs distance, separation.
  • We-style, Interdependence, connection, and collaboration, openly empathic, flexible boundaries, feels solid, knows self so can say NO or YES as is appropriate for the relationship and situation.  Interdependent, maintains sense of self while also intimately and connected, chooses to focus on Unity and collaboration with a continued self-connection simultaneously.

These relationship styles’ different Boundaries:

TWO halves ( ) =1 co-dependence: ME

  • Me:  ( ) difficulty saying No; two halves make a whole

Two independent circles no overlap, I,  00= 2

  • I: 00 difficulty w/ Yes; walking side by side without integration

Two overlapping circles 1+1=3: WE, easy flexible boundaries, interdependent.

  • WE: o0o 1+1=3 interdependent, mutual, flexible, collaborative can say Yes and No.

Duality to Unity: Toward a Union of WE

  • Shifting Your Consciousness, Away from Defensive, competitive, narcissistic , Away from Balance sheet/ exchange patterns —>> Toward Listening fully, clarifying and receiving before speaking (for some this is a cultural snare), Toward Seeking understanding Rather than picking points to argue.  Toward connection rather than where you diverge, feel that first then balance divergence.

This groundbreaking book offers you insight, exercises, and reinforcing information so that you can incorporate into your style of relating the keys to a better, more fulfilled life through profoundly shifting how, with whom, and under what circumstances you partner.

You can find a deep sense of peace, joy, and strength through the understanding of what drives you and developing a centered, inner strength to shift your style of being in the world through neutralizing your insecurities and embracing your inner guidance.

You can find out more here.in  love and light, bg


front cover.me2we
dr beth gineris is the author of Turning NO to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness (2011) and Turning ME to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness (2013).  She endeavors to assist individuals in the process of upleveling their consciousness in everyday interactions to experience profound love, connection and care in their relationships and communities.  You can find her books on amazon.com and through her website.


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focusing on mindful living leads to spirit, mind, body health

Hello and welcome:

I was asked last weekend to give a lecture at the ABWA, American Business Women’s Association, New Mexico Fiesta on Turning the Triple Play – Keeping Life in Balance.  Here are some of the important tidbits I shared with the 40 or so attendees.

If you want to be successful in the three arenas of your life, self, family, and business or work, then you will want to follow develop these 4 Habits:

Habit 1: SPIRIT meditation, Breath, prayer

Meditation, Prayer, Breath daily or twice daily to redirect and refocus your energy, attention, and intention.

This connects spirit, mind, and body, increases access to your balanced core self and increases your ability for critical thinking, flexibility, and quick responsiveness.

Belly breathing alone can reset your cells, mood, emotion, realign and center you.

Brain scans on long-term meditators show that regions associated with attention, self-awareness and sensory processing are thicker in meditators, and that this can offset age-related cortical thinning: “evidence for … cortical plasticity” (Lazar SW, Kerr CE, Wasserman RH, et al. Neuroreport. 2005;16(17):1893-1897).

“The regular practice of meditation may have neuroprotective effects and reduce the cognitive decline associated with normal aging.” (Pagnoni G. Cekic M. Neurobiology of Aging. 2007;28(10):1623-7).

Evidence found as a result of mindful meditation: Increase in cortical thickness in areas assoc. w/ attention, interoception, & sensory processing such as prefrontal cortex and right anterior insula, using this network to attune to internal senses via the social neural circuits involved in interpersonal attunement, including the middle prefrontal regions, insula, superior temporal complex, and the mirror neuron system – all from mindful meditation practice AND more positive Amygdala responses:  positive affect regulation by optimizing prefrontal cortex regulation of the amygdala. AND Left sided anterior activation: develop tendency toward positive emotional responses & approach /reward oriented behavior, (which aids in decreasing symptoms of depression and anxiety)(Applied Mindfulness Current Psychiatry Vol8.no12p40 2010).

Consider the power of the serenity prayer:  release what you cannot control, shift what you can control, discern the difference

Any of these activities can increase your spiritual meditative connection : Soothing/meditative music; Meditative walking,running;  hiking, dancing; yoga practice; Prayer; Gardening.  Any activity that brings mind/thinking to neutral and offers a spiritual connection with whatever feels spiritual to you

Habit 2: MIND release anger,reduce stress

Address anger and frustration early to extinguish them from your daily routine. Paradigm shift, Forgive, Be compassionate, Be Mindful

Understand Anger’s role: The Alarm aspect, your sensory guidance system: Alert, Respond, Clear

Step out of your Survivor scenarios and Habit reaction patterning – if you want more information about these and how to do that search this site with these phrases, I have written a lot about them – or you can read my two books on mindfulness in parenting and partnering see link below.

Befriend your Anger.  Discover what messages it is giving you, which boundary has been crossed and then see if you can reset your internal alarm system and let it go but releasing it and taking the required action.

Focus on the attitude of Gratitude.

Ways to reduce stress and release anger include: Inverting misbeliefs and focusing on what you want rather than what you fear.  Breathing through until you can reset yourself and be mindful.  Using mindful communication.  Practicing yoga. Journaling to investigate underlying issues or to dump worries.  Using a time-in or stop, look and listen method, thought stopping, and EFT.

Activate the power of gratitude and Forgiveness

Prolonged stress (and unresolved anger) leads to wear-and-tear on the body (allostatic load) Mediated through the Sympathetic Nervous System; Allostatic load leads to:  Impaired immunity, Accelerated atherosclerosis, Metabolic syndrome (hypertension, high cholesterol, type-2 diabetes, central obesity), Bone demineralization (osteoporosis), and Chronic stress can sensitize the brain for the later development of depression (McEwen BS. Ann N Y Acad Sci. 2004;1032:1-7).

Mindfulness practice increases:  Neural plasticity, Immune modulation, Anti-inflammatory, Enhancing immune function, positive Behavior/ lifestyle change, Improvements in sleep, Rumination reduction, and General wellbeing (Ivanovski B, Malhi G. Acta Neuropsychiatrica 2007;19:76-91).

Habit 3: BODY Eat, drink, sleep, exercise

Eat whole foods that are grown or cared for in a humane loving way, are primarily prepared by you or someone you love, and look like a rainbow to support your physical health.

Drink 3 liters of water a day, more if you exercise or live in a dry climate.  Water, not tea, or coke, or coffee etc…H2O positively helps with your cellular health. It positively affects your cognition, heart, electrical gastroenterological, kidney-urinary, and immune system – WOW, right?!

Water is profoundly necessary for your body systems and mind to work efficiently, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2908954/

Your hydration needs are affected by your exercise habits, the altitude at which you live, whether you are menstruating, and your personal system imbalances ( ie: slow digestion, toxicity, meds etc)

Exercise 1 hour a day for maximum health if you are not currently doing this, move up to it slowly to build your muscles and systems in a healthful way. Begin with 20 minutes every other day then move to 15 minutes daily, then 30 minutes every other day and them 20 minutes daily, until you make it to 60 minutes a day.  Choose an exercise regime that suits you, holds your interest, brings in fun.  Positive Benefits of Yoga -> reducing depressive symptoms, and inducing remission in mild to severe depression in depressive disorders – WOW! (Current Psychiatry Vol.8,No10,p39-47).

7 benefits of exercise:  1/ Controls weight, 2/combats health conditions/diseases heart, cholesterol, breath capacity, strength, cognition, 3/improves mood, 4/boosts energy, 5/promotes sleep, 6/increases interest and capacity for sex, 7/ fun – creativity, healthy competition, focus, endurance, social, widens interest. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/exercise/HQ01676 .

Sleep 6-8 hours a day.  Sleep is the most powerful health promoter! It balances your brain, blood, spirit, reduces pain and inflammation.  Don’t ignore it!  Sleep is the great neutralizer and reformer.

Sleep plays an important role in learning and memory consolidation.

Sleep deprivation can result in memory loss and diminished fine motor and cognitive skills; can impede response time in crisis situations and increase psycho-emotional problems.  Lack of sleep can increase pain experience.

sleep 7-9 hours each night/get to sleep by 11pm.  School-age children need 9-10, Babies/Toddlers require 12-14 hours of sleep; Teenagers need 8-10 hours of sleep. For kids sleep debt can lead to an increase of restlessness, attentional, oppositionality issues

Sleep affects Cognition, learning, health, experience of pain & stress; it benefits your Spirit, Mind, and Body: http://www.mindfulparentingmag.com/2012/11/29/the-importance-of-sleep/

Habit 4: the power of community, rejuvenation, and networking

Connecting, collaborating, networking, and groups offer a special kind of balance.  Finding a space to belong, share struggles and get support increases your power in maintaining the balance in these four habits.

Studies show that women respond to stress with tend and befriend.  Connecting in ways that help with self growth and rejuvenation, work interests and social endeavors through focusing on learning or maintaining knowledge helps keep your mind healthy.

Focusing on groups that sustain your body like exercise groups or training or food.  And connecting with spiritual outlets will keep you centered and grounded.

See how you can institute these four habits today.  Enjoy, enlighten, and inspire your self, and your life in every aspect of it,  Namaste. in love and light, bg

Gineris, Beth. Turning NO to ON:  The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness, 2011; Turning ME to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness, 2013.  www.bethgineris.com


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teach peace, teach resilience

Hello and Welcome.

Two helpful mantra images:

Water and Tree;

teach peace, teach resilience.

Water Ripple“Be like a tree” when under stress.  Allow your roots to dig deeply into the earth and ground you.  Allow your branches, and trunk to sway with the pressure of the wind.  Know that your center is strong and holds you stable as you flexibly respond to the assault and pressure of the storm.  In this way you will find peace and resilience, inner knowing, strength, security, and flexibility so that you are not torn asunder and bereft.

lao tzu“Be like water ” when in danger or working with tender beings.  Gently yet with perseverance flow, guide, assist, and lightly wash away that which does not serve yourself or others.  In this way you will find peace and resilience, inner guidance, clarity, strength, security, flexibility, and truth so that propaganda and ill-will cannot affect you.

In all things patience, action, attitude and intention matter.  Feel the joy in every moment and your heart will sing, Namaste, in love and light, bg


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…content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete

Hello and welcome,

Mindfulness is a way of living, not just thinking.  When you allow your actions, thinking, and speaking to be in congruence with each other you are living in an integrated, mindful, being state.

This is faith guided by your heart center and supported by your mind.  This faith is not a religious ferver driven by fear, control, and urgency, but rather a calm inner knowing that is balanced, relaxed and guided by love, patience, and compassion.

The challenge with being congruent is to recognize where and how you are out of sync.  Malcolm Gladwell in his book Blink, the Power of Thinking without Thinking (2005), identifies the properties of discernment fully available to you, which you ignore.  These are messages from within of inconsistencies in speaking, thinking, and action.

Practicing mindfulness offers a simple way to recognize your personal incongruence and that of those with whom you interact.  You discover this when you listen with your inner third ear, and see with your inner third eye: these reference using your integrated internal sensory guidance system, your five senses plus intuition to see, hear, feel, and know the way (Turning ME to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness, Gineris, 2013)

The Tao Te Ching attributed to Taoist thinker Lao Tzu, represents a guide to reorient your focus toward balance.

The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places that people disdain.
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don’t try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

— Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

This last phrase is the one that speaks to me, …content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete... it speaks to me in relation to the fight being started not by the first rock thrown but by the defensive action in return….this is supported through Buddhism and Christianity to not take offense, to turn the other cheek, and by Judaism to forgive.  This lack of comparison and competition is the fastest way to move out of Me, narcissism, through I, competition into the place of We, collaboration and connection so that all people have the power and freedom to uplevel consciousness and create a space for Peace in strength for all peoples.  This is a result of the undeniable power of truth.  Truth is.  It plumbs directly into you and through your integrated system.  It has the capacity to reveal hidden agendas and incongruent beliefs.  As you allow yourself to stand in the center of your being as simply yourself you will experience increased strength and resilience and a light, calm, loving attitude toward all your relations.  This aligns you and sets your course so that you are in sync in you actions, thinking, and speech.

join me in cheerfully being simply yourself without comparison and competition and notice the respect, love, and connection you experience in your every day interactions and life; in love and light, bg

Gladwell, Malcolm.  Blink:  The Power of Thinking without Thinking.  New York: Little, Brown and Company, 2005.

LaoTzu, Tao Te Ching.  Stephen Mitchell, trans.  New York:  Harper and Row, 1988.


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Faith vs. Fear

Hello and Welcome

Being a spirit-human, challenges you in the realms of faith and fear.  Fear is what drives your lower chakra survival mentality. Faith is what drives your upper chakra thriving spirit.   This is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid (1954, 1990) and the idea of moving from Me through I to We in how you perceive your power, relationships, and environment.

You see/experience what you believe, and you believe what you see/experience.  Fair enough.

If you feel fear but desire to shift into faith you need to activate your upper chakras and balance your lower chakras.  You can do this through intentional action.  In order to shift your perception, you have to move out of fear-based, survivalistic, limited resources perspective into a joy-based, thriver, perspective of faith.  Faith being the knowing that you will be what you desire if you do not get in your own way with fear.

Faith, love, joy expand your experience; these expand your access to creation in the positive, seeing collaborative solutions, and recognition of your full power.

Fear, hate, and despair limit your experience; these diminish your access to creation in the positive, cloud/impair  your vision, and reduce your recognition of your power and solutions.

Try this simple exercise to feel the difference.

  • frown.
  • breathe shallowly
  • look for every possible negative attribute or impediment to your desire
  • read about the many tragedies and heartbreaks in making changes
  • greet others with a negative attitude certain that they will work against you; redirect yourself to the (-)
  • at the end of 24 hours of this set of actions, note how you feel – you will notice you feel constricted, fearful, small, discouraged, heavy, tired, fatigued, and isolated – you may want to eat sugar, drink alcohol, or pick a fight with our children or partner.

Now, try this simple exercise to feel the difference

  • smile.
  • breathe deeply
  • look for every possible positive action or path to your desire
  • read about the many joyful and heart-filled experiences in making changes
  • greet others with a positive attitude, certain that they will work to your advantage; redirect yourself to the (+)
  • at the end of 24 hours of this set of actions, note how you feel – you will notice an expansion, a sense of courage, feeling bigger, joyful, light, energized, and connected – you may want to eat fruits and vegetables, whole, healthy food, to juice, eat protein, and drink water; you will have more energy to understand our child’s or partner’s needs and feel they are present for you and you are more available to them.

Faith or Fear, the choice is yours.  Albuquerque skies

The outcome is defined by which you choose – which outcome would you prefer to create?  in love and light, bg

Maslow, A.H.  Motivation and Personality. NewYork: Harper, 1954.  Gineris, B. Turning ME to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness. Charleston, SC: Createspace, 2013.


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Find balance, remove fight from your vocabulary, you are left with love, acceptance and negotiation…turning me to we

Hello and welcome!

Love, Acceptance, and Negotiation…turning Me 2 We… The idea is that fighting against yourself or others removes what is necessary to flow through challenging times.  The energy of fighting shifts you away from what you need, away from your sensory guidance system; removing fight from your vocabulary helps you to access precisely what you need when you need it, so that you can shift out of any painful situation to find peace, your soul-utions, and balance.

If the challenging situation is an addiction to substances, experiences, or people in an unhealthy way – then these actions help you to remain in recovery. 4 simple phrases to return you to balance and remain in recovery.  Recovery is a journey rather than a destination.

Step one is to find your way to balance.  Step two is returning to balance.  The Path to Grace is a journey that cycles between these two steps.  Listening to your sensory guidance system, led by your spirit connection.  Removing fight from your vocabulary and focusing on love, acceptance, and negotiation helps you return to balance and flow through any difficult situation.

Try these mantras to get you to and keep you on this Path to Grace.

Stop, look, and listen. It is the perfect mantra to create the neutral, present moment, open-minded perspective required for moving through roadblocks. Stop the harmful behavior; look at your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions, to discern what may be underneath your resistance; listen to you heart, tone, whole language to comprehend an underlying covert message.

The attitude of gratitude. Identify the gifts of your history, your drama, and your shift into recovery. Reaffirm your choice for health.  Focus on your strengths, reframe your limitations. The attitude of gratitude creates an inner structure of resilient positive self-esteem rooted in a solid foundation.

Focus on what you want rather than what you fear. This mindful mantra directs your attention to precisely where you have power. Things feared tend to be things unknown that are out of your control. An inner locus of control puts the resilience, power to create, and basic capacity to respond to whatever comes your way into your own hands, so that you believe, have faith and have evidence that you can create what you want.

Be the Change You Wish to See in the World. This is a phrase made famous by M. Gandhi. He was interested in major social change, but this phrase is just as useful in small social worlds. Act mindfully, show respect, be loving, and compassionate as a style of being in the world.  Live your change in every cell of your being, allowing breath, faith, forgiveness, and lovingkindness to direct your actions and personal relationships, beginning with your relationship with yourself.

Keeping these simple mantras close to your heart and mind will increase your capacity for mindfulness; it will increase your experience of compassion, harmony, and balance in living, and keep you on the recovery Path to Grace.

Namaste, in love and light, bg


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Creating boundaries opens space for connection

Hello and Welcome!

Relationship change and growth are adventures into your heart and soul.

Relationship styles follow a developmental process from Me-style through I-style to We-style.  The Me-style of relating has diffuse and enmeshed boundaries.  Which mean the boundaries between Me and You in relationship get blurred.  The way in which a participant in a Me-style relationship makes decisions is through a need to agree with, or merge into the other to feel the connection.  This is how the co-dependence begins.  The individual in a Me-style of relating has difficulty saying No when asked to act or be in a way that is inauthentic, because the driving force is to connect at all costs including loss of self.  The picture of this kind of relationship is two halves coming together to make a whole.  So there is a lack of boundaries between the two participants.   (  )

To move into an I-style of relationship requires closing off the boundaries around yourself.  Developing a sense of yourself that is defined from within so that you can guide yourself toward your own goals.  You need to develop ways to meet your own needs and to depend on yourself.  This is both exhilarating and frightening.  Once you do this you are freer to develop into a fuller picture of yourself.  Rather than two halves making one whole you are developing a whole picture of yourself so that you can move into and I-style of relationship, two Is walking side-by-side without integration.  Connection is through a tally sheet of exchanges.  Here competition, defensiveness, and independence drive the relationship so that an individual in an I-style of relating has difficulty saying Yes when asked to create dependence or interdependence.  The fear for an individual in an I-style of relating is to become engulfed into the other and lose himself.  As with the Me-style of relationship this is a result of an insecure sense of self.  Unlike the Me-style of relationship, where the drive to be connected causes enmeshed or a lack of boundaries, in the I-style of relating the fear of enmeshment results in overly rigid boundaries.  The picture of this kind of relationship is two Is walking side-by-side, solitary selves walking next to each other without integration.  0 0

You have to develop a solid sense of yourself, deal with adversity against your picture of yourself , and create a personal relationship with yourself, to live in an I-style of relationship.  After solidifying this experience and developing a sense of trust that you will not sell yourself out, you can begin to move into a We-style of relationship.  An I-style of relationship is a stepping-stone to get to a We-style of relationship.  This is because you have to develop boundaries first (I-style) before you can be flexible with your boundaries in a dynamic way (We-style).

The interdependence of a We-style of relationship allows for strength of self and connection to other, simultaneously.  The We-style of relationship incorporates support of the individual and collective goals and needs with a dynamic, flux movement between the resources of the relationship toward whatever of these needs attention at any given time.  This requires strong boundaries and flexibility in the interdependence of the two individuals and the third aspect, the relationship or partnership.  So that rather than ½ + ½ = 1 (me-style) or 1,1 (I-style) you create a situation where 1+1 = 3, or more than the sum of its parts (we-style).  The picture of the We-style of relationship includes two wholes and a third aspect, which is the area the two individuals overlap to create the relationship vortex, o()o (view this symbol as two circles overlapping each other to create an inner vortex).

Fear can really be a block to change, embracing the attitude of adventure can reframe your fear into excitement, offering an energy or anticipation to help you to flow with the change rather than block or freeze when faced with change.

This is how boundaries work.  Boundaries create a definition.  They clarify this is me, and this is you, through defining where you end and another begins.  This clarification creates a deeper understanding of each individual and also how couples, partners or groups coexist and share goals.  From the defined individual space, the boundary, you can create the space for a sense of oneness and togetherness.

Flowing through the process of change begins with gentleness.  Boundaries assist in creating an internal container, so that you can move through a process of change more harmoniously.  Creating boundaries comes out of self-love, and love toward your partner.  The clearer you are about you and other the better you are about defining what you want and what you can give in relationship.  Boundaries increase connection.

See if you can discover in a self-affirming, authentic way the edges of you and how you integrate with your partner this will give you space to discern an interdependency that support you both and your relationship. in love and light, beth