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How insecurity interferes with getting what you want.

to realizeOne of the coolest aspects of the MAAPS guiding principles of relationship is how easily you can discern what is driving how you behave in relationship.

This is beneficial when HOW you are behaving is interfering with you getting what you want.

MAAPS is an easy way to remember the five guiding security principles of relationship: Money, Achievement, Attachment (Connection), Power, and Structure.

One or more of these are engaged when YOU are driven or compelled to act inauthentically in relationship to create a sense of safety in one of these areas.  And when you are acting under the influence of one or more of these drivers you create immature, and unfulfilling relationships.

In order to shift away from this you have to face your insecurity: You have to tolerate feeling insecure while asking for what you truly need or want in the relationship.

For example: if you fear, or have an insecurity around attachment or feeling connected, you might create yourself as less important than the other person; putting his needs ahead of yours and attempting to get your needs met on the side.

This is a reasonable solution in the short-term, however after a while this will feel as if the other person is taking advantage of you or that your needs are not as important; this can lead to resentment within you and create a crevasse in the foundation of the relationship that may ultimately tear the relationship apart.

An alternative action is to speak about what you are feeling as soon as you identify it is happening.  You may want to do some undercover work with your self to discern what may be underlying the insecurity.  You can look into what decisions you may have made about how you HAD to act to be loved or cared for or to feel SAFE in your early childhood or early relationships.sigmund freud

More often these drivers act under the surface.  You actually are not aware of the influence the insecurity has over your actions.

So here are some clues that you are under the influence of insecurity:

  • you have difficulty co-mingling funds
  • you have difficulty sharing title for achievements
  • you have difficulty being alone or you feel abandoned when you cannot immediately contact your partner
  • you have difficulty receiving assistance from others or you have difficulty when others don’t do what you tell them to do
  • you have difficulty when there is disorganization

Insecurity can be hidden. I know many individuals who on the surface appear strong and confident, yet the insecurity is lurking just beneath the surface.  When left undetected and unresolved, this insecurity can interfere with you getting what you truly want in your personal and career life.

If you notice that you have trouble maintaining healthful and meaningful relationships, investigate whether you have ann insecurity in one of the five guiding security principles in relationship.  Use your compassion, lovingkindness, forgiveness, and mindfulness tools to assist you in releasing the insecurity belief so that you can build inner security and engage in more mutually beneficial relationships.

You can learn more about this in earlier blogs on this site or through the following books.

Remember you have a better chance of getting where you want to go if you have a map…in love and light, many blessings, bg

You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com.  Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2014 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries..  

You may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris website. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS.front cover.me2we  Discover where you are in the Temperament and  the MAAPS section.  You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships.  MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money,  Achievement,  Attachment, Power,  Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.

One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all.  in love and light, bg


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the space between mindful-breathing and will…staying within the threshold of calm strength

Most of you recognize that the integration of spirit, mind, and body is a multi-level, multi-phase experience. It is dynamic, changing responsively to your inner and outer environment.

Recent events have further elucidated for me the subtleties of this dynamic process.

Participating in a fifty mile race after three weeks on the bike. To my surprise while participating in the long ride, I began to feel unable to continue…my friends encouraged me to use my yogic breath and my experience of inner peace to press on… Ultimately I noticed it was my will that gave me the strength to continue. 

Re-training myself for a distance swim for my first triathlon sprint. During the swim training, I discovered an underlying degree of anxiety that was exacerbated by loss of breath — it projected me right back to an earlier event of almost being choked when I was raped as a teenager.  It was shocking and almost uncontrollable to keep swimming – my body was fighting for life while I could clarify that it was not actually happening, my heartrate ramped up my breath became flat and labored…I couldn’t swim properly…Ultimately in the swim training it was my inner breath and my yogic training that assisted me in calming my fear and re-integrating myself into the now, to release the energy of the rape experience connected to ‘air-hunger’.

Having  endured significant sexual harassment throughout my life, I have made significant efforts, with success, to clear the vestiges of effect from this trauma, and to eradicate the insecurities that could have colored how I interacted in relationship and partnership. This information is further explained in the section on  MAAPS insecurity drivers in my book* Turning Me to We: the Art of Partnering with mindfulness.

These recent events focused how the trauma vestiges can effect your relationship with yourself.

As could be expected, the rape was the most problematic to clear.  It was held within my psychic, emotional, and cognitive memory as well as my physical body.  To this day I have a holding in my upper body that is still reminiscent of the position in which I was pinned down. This is not unusual for individuals who have survived a rape to have these various types of physical changes. I have had success in clearing this to a fairly deep level physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.

I have had the great fortune of applying mindfulness, psychotherapy, and forgiveness toward my history of harassment and the rape…as such I have created warm loving non-abusive relationships with my partner and friends.  It is for this reason that I spend so much time training, teaching, and modeling mindfulness and forgiveness as part of a healthy lifestyle individually and in relationships/partnerships.

With this being stated, I was quite surprised by the deep level of fear and anxiety that exhibited in myself during the ride and swim training.   It speaks to the depth of effect in the spirit, body, mind web that is within human consciousness; and how deeply trauma plumbs to the center of one’s being.

Humans are dynamic, multi-dimensional beings.  

The process of clearing trauma can take years and releases in layers.

Trauma for one being may not be traumatic for another.  

Spiritual trauma is the most debilitating, as spirit connects humans to the greater universe of energy.  When spiritual trauma is directly bound with physical trauma, thinking can skew off into a place that could be described as ‘hell on earth’.

Over the years I have noted that individuals who have intense anxiety suffer far more than those around them…because they do not have the peace that comes with centeredness…the peace you experience with centered mindful meditation and breath.

The lesson of this recent athletic training is that each challenge requires an integrated spirt, body, mind response.  And, that balance is affected by the vestiges of previous traumas or incorrect correlations of power.

Human beings are spiritually and willlfully driven.

  • It is your ego*/ will that can pull you through a difficult challenging task– that is where hard work and discipline are kings and queens.
  • And, it is your spiritual inner faith and knowing that is required in other challenges….
  • (ego as defined as the balanced mediator of your personality, mediator between id and superego – see Gineris, Turning Me to WE, The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness, p 186, Rebalancing: Empathy, Ego and Spirit).

The space between mindful breathing and will is the ground where all battles are fought.  This is in a phrase then entirety of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War* * to know yourself, know your enemy, to know when to act and when to be quietly strong as you prepare to act….

  • Staying within the threshold of calm is an act of faith and will. Success requires both dynamically and rhythmically in play.
  • The practice of yoga can teach you this through your use of breath to move through challenges.
  • The practice of mindful meditation can teach you this as you breath yourself into neutrality, compassion and the now.
  • The practice of athletic training can teach you this if you understand the relationship between will and allowing, remaining centered in your integrated spirit, mind and body.

If you struggle with anxiety, use these practices to bring you into a more dynamic and flexible relationship with your will (discipline/Qi) and your faith (spirit/breath/Shen), you will find more peaceful and powerful successes in all you undertake to accomplish. Namaste, in love and light, bg

*http://thejanetloveshow.com/drbethgineris/

**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Art_of_War

You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com.  Even More outlined in Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2014.  You may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through her website.  This book is the HOW TO companion book to Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013).front cover.me2we Discover where you are in the Temperament and  the MAAPS section.  You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships.  MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money,  Achievement,  Attachment, Power,  Structure). You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.  One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all.  in love and light, bg

 

 


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mindfulness and parenting revisited

Hello and Welcome

Negotiating the treacherous waters of parenting can be anxiety provoking and discouraging.

This results from both internal insecurity and external unpredictability.

Three steps will keep you in the flow and having fun as you reclaim the role of mama/papa/leader.

Step 1.  Strengthen your connection to your personal sensory guidance system.  This is the connection to the information freeway  from your five senses and your intuition.  This is information about your environment, your child, and others that assists you in making thoughtful decisions. Step 2. Trust your knowing of your child. Listen to him or her – listen with your ears, your heart, and your sensory guidance system. Step 3. Guide with strength and lovingkindness. Be self-confident and go with the flow. Be patient, kind, and firm.  Say I am sorry, and make efforts to shift your responses to best meet you child’s needs.  Model respect and trust by being respectful and trustworthy.  In all your disciplinary responses focus on learning and loving; be loving and sensitive to the multi-level issues involved, respond quickly and clearly, and use the opportunity to teach joy and strength in being a responsible person; an individual connected to a community.

To help you embrace the three steps, understanding the nature of the parenting is key.

  • Parenting is modeled.
  • This means that you learn how to parent from your interpretation of your own parenting.  This concept of learning social interactions through your group associations is a function of how the human brain develops over the first 24 years of life; and a part of what happens whenever you enter a new social group, environment.
  • What you see done is what you incorporate into doing to others and to yourself; as you age the internalized reflection of yourself becomes solidified.  Once you are into middle age the malleability of your reflection, your internalized sel-persona/picture requires a release of the accepted self and a reevaluation of ‘who you are’… due to the solidified nature of your introjected self, often this requires a traumatic event to shift your internal accepted picture of self.
  • There is a strong desire to be accepted and approved of by your significant others (beginning with moms and dads, and then moving on to peers).
  • You know who you are and how you should be treated, what you perceive as your role in relationship, from what is reflected to you by your parents, your primary caregivers, and your first social groups –> your siblings and cousins, and then your peers, friends.
  • So, if there is dysfunction or trauma or damage in those early relationships you have deficits in your ability to navigate the waters of parenting your children.

Cognitive/behavioral therapy, meditation, yoga, and mindfulness development uplevel your consciousness so that you can shift and rebalance your inner self perception and your outer actions.

Trust, be trustworthy, act with strength and kindness, be forgiving and persevering.

As you guide, be willing to incorporate new information about your child or your beliefs and make adjustments to your course to align your actions, beliefs/values, and your parenting.

Parenting is a dynamic, organic (as in living and responsive to environmental changes) process.

  • Be confident, proactive, reflective, flexible, and trustworthy in your actions and intentions.
  • Be willing to adjust your response and be flexible as you see the need to do so and be firm when you perceive this is important.
  • Respond with seriousness to serious problems, and playfulness with problems which are not serious; stay responsive and discern the difference.  in love and light, bg


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Creating boundaries opens space for connection

Hello and Welcome!

Relationship change and growth are adventures into your heart and soul.

Relationship styles follow a developmental process from Me-style through I-style to We-style.  The Me-style of relating has diffuse and enmeshed boundaries.  Which mean the boundaries between Me and You in relationship get blurred.  The way in which a participant in a Me-style relationship makes decisions is through a need to agree with, or merge into the other to feel the connection.  This is how the co-dependence begins.  The individual in a Me-style of relating has difficulty saying No when asked to act or be in a way that is inauthentic, because the driving force is to connect at all costs including loss of self.  The picture of this kind of relationship is two halves coming together to make a whole.  So there is a lack of boundaries between the two participants.   (  )

To move into an I-style of relationship requires closing off the boundaries around yourself.  Developing a sense of yourself that is defined from within so that you can guide yourself toward your own goals.  You need to develop ways to meet your own needs and to depend on yourself.  This is both exhilarating and frightening.  Once you do this you are freer to develop into a fuller picture of yourself.  Rather than two halves making one whole you are developing a whole picture of yourself so that you can move into and I-style of relationship, two Is walking side-by-side without integration.  Connection is through a tally sheet of exchanges.  Here competition, defensiveness, and independence drive the relationship so that an individual in an I-style of relating has difficulty saying Yes when asked to create dependence or interdependence.  The fear for an individual in an I-style of relating is to become engulfed into the other and lose himself.  As with the Me-style of relationship this is a result of an insecure sense of self.  Unlike the Me-style of relationship, where the drive to be connected causes enmeshed or a lack of boundaries, in the I-style of relating the fear of enmeshment results in overly rigid boundaries.  The picture of this kind of relationship is two Is walking side-by-side, solitary selves walking next to each other without integration.  0 0

You have to develop a solid sense of yourself, deal with adversity against your picture of yourself , and create a personal relationship with yourself, to live in an I-style of relationship.  After solidifying this experience and developing a sense of trust that you will not sell yourself out, you can begin to move into a We-style of relationship.  An I-style of relationship is a stepping-stone to get to a We-style of relationship.  This is because you have to develop boundaries first (I-style) before you can be flexible with your boundaries in a dynamic way (We-style).

The interdependence of a We-style of relationship allows for strength of self and connection to other, simultaneously.  The We-style of relationship incorporates support of the individual and collective goals and needs with a dynamic, flux movement between the resources of the relationship toward whatever of these needs attention at any given time.  This requires strong boundaries and flexibility in the interdependence of the two individuals and the third aspect, the relationship or partnership.  So that rather than ½ + ½ = 1 (me-style) or 1,1 (I-style) you create a situation where 1+1 = 3, or more than the sum of its parts (we-style).  The picture of the We-style of relationship includes two wholes and a third aspect, which is the area the two individuals overlap to create the relationship vortex, o()o (view this symbol as two circles overlapping each other to create an inner vortex).

Fear can really be a block to change, embracing the attitude of adventure can reframe your fear into excitement, offering an energy or anticipation to help you to flow with the change rather than block or freeze when faced with change.

This is how boundaries work.  Boundaries create a definition.  They clarify this is me, and this is you, through defining where you end and another begins.  This clarification creates a deeper understanding of each individual and also how couples, partners or groups coexist and share goals.  From the defined individual space, the boundary, you can create the space for a sense of oneness and togetherness.

Flowing through the process of change begins with gentleness.  Boundaries assist in creating an internal container, so that you can move through a process of change more harmoniously.  Creating boundaries comes out of self-love, and love toward your partner.  The clearer you are about you and other the better you are about defining what you want and what you can give in relationship.  Boundaries increase connection.

See if you can discover in a self-affirming, authentic way the edges of you and how you integrate with your partner this will give you space to discern an interdependency that support you both and your relationship. in love and light, beth


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Each new paradigm births through its predecessor

Hello and Welcome!

Habits and paradigms are tricky.  A habit can be defined as something that guides you toward success or shifts you into a rut out of which you are always struggling to evolve.  Paradigms give you your first structure of morality, right/wrong stories, and modes to interpret the world.  Habits and paradigms work right up to the point they become obsolete.  When you feel stuck or clinging to a habit or paradigm that feeling may be a sign that you need to birth through to the next way.

Challenging your paradigmatic perspective including your habitual reaction patterns allows you to discover a deeper and fuller experience in your relationships and work environment.

Not long ago I encountered a dead-end on my path.  At least I thought that was what it was at the time.

I had gone as far as I could in the pursuit of something.  I had reached a stopping point but not reached the goal.  At least that stopping point didn’t look like my picture of the goal.  I felt discouraged.  I didn’t want to turn around and go back, but I could go no further.

So I sat down where I was.  I stopped pushing.  I looked around.  I looked within.  I began breathing and focusing on what I felt as well as what I saw.  With my breath and focus the energy around me shifted.  It was as if I was vibrating into a new level of consciousness.

As I sat there I felt inconsolable.  I had become attached to the goal I was pursuing.  At first my attitude didn’t allow for me to see anything positive.  I could only see through the eyes of my disillusionment.  Then I began to see through an attitude of gratitude.  I began to notice some wondrous things around me:  extraordinary relationships and family;  time and freedom to pursue my dreams; support; love; space; an inner awareness.  This awareness, breath, gratitude, and peacefulness filled me and opened up an inner imaginal world filled with plausible creations.

I realized the dead-end was a logical conclusion of my limited thinking and perception – an inner shifting of paradigms and habits.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t reached the goal, it was that my goal had transformed.  I had shifted from pursuing an independent, proving, route to experiencing and developing a collaborative, integrative, holistic, path.  This required me to shift my perspective, my habits, and my capacity to take in what was around me, to see through a different lens.

At once, with this realization, I noticed a beautiful path that veered off  just to edge from my sitting place.  It was a slightly elevated pathway that was not immediately noticeable, hidden from view when looking straight ahead or downward.  It was light and airy, covered in a material that was vastly different from the path on which I had been walking.  I could only see the way, through my new perspective of present moment now and receiving joy.

The hard work, perseverance, and hard choices, the trauma and difficulties of my youth had created a primary paradigm that anything of worth required this set of behaviors.  And that I had to prove who I was, a doing, rather than being style of living.  What I had endured to get to this point could only bring me this far on my path.

Only via these new lessons of ease, joy, laughter, love – that lovely concept of flow could I see the way through.  An evolution of consciousness was the action required to take my next step.  And this evolution comes from a releasing, a relaxing, and a letting go rather than a persevering, pushing attitude.  The shift in consciousness creates the new paradigm in a quantum-style movement, rather than a linear movement.  Each new paradigm births through its predecessor through a natural shifting of perspective.

If you are feeling stuck or clinging intensely to your habitual style of behaving, thinking, or believing; if you are feeling defensiveness, anger, anxiety or discouraged stop where you are, both metaphorically and physically.  Take the time to feel into your ideas, your habits, your goals, and beliefs.  Open yourself to the attitude of gratitude, notice everything that is working in your life, environment, relationships, and work.  Through this space you will find an evolution in your consciousness so that you can shift your perspective and birth yourself into a new paradigm of living and being.  in love and light, beth


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awareness and allowing give space to respond effectively and change your behavior

Hello and Welcome!

Following these steps to increase awareness and allowing creates space to respond effectively and change your behavior.

An easy way to begin is the  Stop, Look, and Listen method.

Stop multitasking or whatever action in which you are involved that may split your attention or where you feel you are being pulled along a track in an habitual thinking/behaving way; Look, or pay attention by bringing your attention to the situation at hand, pay attention to the actions of others and yourself and how relevant these are to the whole of the situation; Listen to your inner voice and the style, tone, timber of your and the other’s voice.  Stop look and listen is focus, see, and hear in the present moment, the now.  This is a simple unambiguous phrase that brings you into mindfulness.

It is a simple way to interrupt habit-reactive firing of behavior.  This method slows down your reactive-linking behavior. Through present moment refocusing of your attention you can gather information and then develop a response that meets the present moment situation.

This recovery process can be applied to any habit that has gone awry.  What’s really great about this set of actions and behaviors is how they help in every instance when a habit has simply overtaken your life as the driver of your behavior rather than the mechanism of your comfort or alleviation of difficulty.

Here’s how to decipher if you are dealing with a habit reaction pattern.

  • Check in with your senses and intuition.  If you feel that the experience is familiar or a pattern then you may be participating in  a habit reaction scenario.  If you feel that you have trouble trusting that things can/will go well for you, then your early history of having to survive is coloring your current day choices/actions.
  • If you have an immediate feeling of anger, like someone has crossed a boundary and your feeling is charged in that the level of emotion (intensity) doesn’t match the situation or boundary crossing, this is a sign that you have been triggered.

In this instance, proceed in your actions with thoughtfulness.  

  • Query yourself on whether your intense feeling is consistent with your overall experience of the person or the environment toward which you are feeling the intense reaction.
  • Stop, look, and listen – think caution in proceeding.
  • Invoke mindfulness and centered, present moment attention to the situation.
  • Work against the pull of the groove into the habit reaction pattern.

This is how you can engage the a more balanced attitude. Focus is the key.  If you are in danger, utilizing your reaction  skills to get out of the situation is paramount.  If you are not in danger but rather caught in a habit reaction pattern then focus your attention on what you want rather than what you fear as the best response.

Use mindfulness to re-view the circumstances in relation to your emotion.  This is the stop, look, and listen component, it will help you identify whether this is danger or not.  In example, if a stranger is doing something that feels dangerous allow your survivor reactions to move at lightning pace.  If however, the situation is with a loving partner, or friend – you need to view your emotion within the context of the relationship in present-time and with clarity and genuineness.

Awareness, Breathe, Wait it out, and Reveal.

  • The most difficult element of confronting a habit reaction pattern that is driving your behavior is the stopping part.
  • If your car is out of control, you need to stop its forward movement – this requires first, a recognition that you have lost control of the car, and then second, an action to gain control.
  • This awareness is key.  Once you are aware you can begin to take back control of your thinking and behaving/actions.

Stop look and listen focuses you on increasing your awareness.  Breathe, wait it out, and reveal focuses you on how and what to change.  It requires a shift in how, and on what, you focus.  It requires a re-view of yourself through a centered, mindful attention to yourself, your skills and limitations, what brings you joy and centers you in your best self.

Shifting perspective actually creates the power that you feel you have lost.  It is a relaxation of the struggle to survive or fight and a gentle movement into the mindful, balanced living of life.  Consider the simple action of relaxing in a hold, this action alone telegraphs to the holder to lighten his grip and causes laxity so that you can wiggle out of the stranglehold.

Lightening your grip, your need for habit reactive linking behavior allows you to move through situations and your environment in a mindful and relaxed way, still nimble in your attention and responses to act if necessary to a dangerous situation but not reactive, held or tight in your nature. in love and light, beth


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Anxiety and the development of ineffective habit reactions

hello and Welcome!

Having worked for many years with individuals struggling with various forms of anxiety I have identified a coping mechanism I call habit reaction patterns to manage anxiety.

This is a coping strategy that starts out creating a sense of control over their internal anxiety.  The individual will describe that indeed the habit reactive pattern in some way saved her from an extraordinarily stressful situation or circumstance.  Unfortunately this anxiety management method produces a false sense of security and overtime the habit reaction pattern serves to drive the individual’s overall behavior and results in a diminished sense of empowerment and a lack of security.

Habits are highly desirable to create structure in a meaningful way.  When a habit degrades into a habit reaction pattern it becomes undesirable .  Habit reaction patterns lack present moment authenticity.  These are reactive in nature, a set of unconscious, unthinking, unchallenged, automatic reactions.

The patterning pulls you into a specific way of behaving.  Think of how the groove of a rut pulls you around a circle.  It takes an extra exertion of energy to jump out of the rut and choose your course.  The habit reaction pattern acts like the groove or furrow, it takes you into the behavior Habit like any reaction in an automatic, non-present-moment-thinking-way (unconscious).

This reaction is not responsive to the present moment situation, it happens in a non-intuitive non-mindful way.  Habit reaction patterns can be triggered into reaction; where a trigger acts like the groove that pulls a person into a set of interpretations and actions (reactions) to survive, or to solve a historical problem, or quell anxiety.

Tied into the habit reaction pattern is a highly fine tuned trigger-detection mechanism.

  • This mechanism is super-sensitive to interpreting danger, hyper-vigilant, hyper-reactive.
  • The trigger may be linked to an earlier situation in which you felt in danger of severe harm.
  • The experience trips the trigger and then the habit reaction pattern fires into action – forcing you to behave in a specific way – even when you cognitively feel you do not want to or feel it is inappropriate.

When this set of feelings happen, the habit reaction pattern is now driving your behavior rather than your proactive spiritual-cognitive-behavior processes.  You are no longer in the driver seat of your life.  It is as if you are simply watching from behind a glass window, rather than responding to the specific, dynamic multi-level issues at hand.  You feel powerless to stop yourself from reacting in the manner prescribed by the habit reaction pattern.

In order to get out of the rut, groove, or habit reaction one has to invoke two things, awareness and allowance.   This allows for a sense of present moment empowerment and mindfulness.

The habit reaction pattern behavior may have been highly effective when you first developed it.  In fact it may be the best thing you could have done to respond to the original anxiety conflict that set of the patterning habit.  This makes it difficult for you to let it go.

You may feel like it is the thing that sets you apart in some way or gives you an edge in some way.  This internal feeling creates an attachment to that style of being in the world, such that confronting the need to eradicate the ineffective habit reaction pattern may be thwarted.  This sets up a difficult and challenging cycle, you continually, automatically, invoke the original survival mechanism without awareness that you are actually diminishing your power through the reactive mechanism.

The most healing thing to do is

  1. to accurately identify how the patterning was beneficial
  2. to accurately identify that the habit is ineffective in your present moment situation and management of anxiety
  3. to place the behavior into your past as a once successful, but not currently successful pattern of reacting to anxiety
  4. and disassemble the coping strategy and its automatic reactive power.

Habits are developed through a series of trial and error.  A need arises, a behavior appears to resolve the identified problem and viola a habit develops.  This is an excellent mechanism of comfort and structure or meaning-making in action.  It is a part of how we develop, learn and integrate, structure behavior.  It’s highly effective model to make sense out of the competing needs in society.

When this mechanism goes awry.  The insidious quality of a habit overtaking as driver of your behavior is subtle.

  • First, there is a sense of invention,
  • then a settling-in of success in using the habit to resolve a conflict.
  • After a time the habit begins to drive the situation.  The action becomes an automatic reaction of if this then that.

Once this internal directive becomes hardwired the habit drives the set of responses available to you in a given situation, so it becomes a reaction, like the jerking of your knee when hit by the doctor’s mallet – kick straight out.  This automatic reaction creates a hardwire rut that drives your behavior.

Any awareness process can assist you in getting out of a habit reactive pattern coping strategy toward anxiety.

  • Mindful meditation, 
  • the practice of Yoga,
  • Journaling,

are all excellent practices to increase centering, present moment focus, and balanced neutral response to anxiety. 

Use the stop look and listen method to increase your awareness.Once you have developed awareness, use the breathe, wait it out, and reveal process to increase your tolerance for allowance.

These two together, awareness and allowance, create space to respond effectively to your anxiety and change your behavior from ineffective habit reactions to mindful responsiveness.  You will move from a need for control and a sense of insecurity to self-confidence and a sense of inner empowerment and strength.  More on this is the next few blogs, in love and light, beth.


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The four agreements, plus one: life in balance

Hello and Welcome!  Many years ago a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz was released.  It spoke to me.  I thought it was a must-have for everyone I knew.  It had this simple message to live with integrity and to live in a way that centers internally, harmony with your inner knowing, speech and actions.  I felt the simplicity was perfect and that it was written with clarity to guide anyone who chose to read it toward a centered, existentially responsible style of living.

The agreements he wrote about are simply:

  1. Be Impeccable with your Word
  2. Don’t Take anything Personally
  3. Don’t Make Assumptions
  4. Always Do your Best

It was my holiday gift that year to every one of my family members, and all the people that mattered to me.  I wanted to share this truth with everyone, because I thought it would assist them in upleveling their consciousness.  I felt it held information that would unlock the prisons in which people lived.

I was a younger therapist then – enthusiastic, earnest, passionate – I really wanted to make a difference and change the world.   I gave this book in this way with heartfelt love, and a deep desire to help.  I thought it held a treasure worth more than a typical holiday gift because it offered freedom and a deep inner peace.

I am pretty sure none of these important people in my life read that book, at least not that year.  For whatever reason it wasn’t the time for that kind of transformation then.

This had been the story of my life, for many years; I could see the way but what spoke to me so clearly did not always speak to others.

Over the years I have had unusual success as a therapist through my neutral clarity, and compassionate communications.  Those who have chosen to seek my guidance have discovered a wealth of effective, compassionate, and life-changing counsel.  Recently, I have noticed that those in my inner circle are too experiencing the positive effect of my writing and guidance… this is a sweet gift to witness the positive growth and happiness of those I deeply love.

Reference to the four agreements are also on the rise in spiritual teachings,  in Yoga articles, and other pieces on spiritual growth.   Perhaps the time is now, for a more comprehensive alignment to take place.  I noticed in these references that there is a new book which identifies a new agreement:

5.  Be skeptical, but learn to listen.

So apt for the capping to the first four – it aligns the focus even further within, it allows for a deeper inner review and a consolidated expression of love, acceptance, mindfulness, and responsibility for knowledge, speech and action.

For me these simple statements refocus power and energy within; they are the opposite of projection and divisiveness.

These four agreements, plus one, are an easy way to center yourself and focus your energy where you actual have power, in the here and now and within yourself.  The energy behind these agreements is to shift your focus and awareness inward, with integrity in speech and action, while through self-love and compassionate action toward others you can increase your mindfulness.

Here is a lovely site about this work and more information about how to use these four agreements to guide your life, http://www.toltecspirit.com/.

And remember be skeptical – listen with your inner ear and through your internal sensory guidance system of five plus one senses, seeing in 4-D.  In this way you will be in the driver’s seat of your life and creating precisely what you want and consciously mean to create.  in love and light, beth


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Listen without attachment, Hear truth

Hello and Welcome!

Listening is an active process.  It is active in that it requires focused attention and neutral or accurate interpretation.

Hearing is a function of this process of focused, unattached listening.  Meaning is the by-product – it is what you hear.

When you listen fresh, and without attachment, you free yourself to hear the meaning sent versus your internal negative dialogue or grandiose spin on either the speaker or your self perceptions.

What you hear reveals information about yourself when you hear through the filter of this inner dialogue.

In addition when information is heard through this inner dialogue filter, what another hears you say has more to do with him than with you.

There are levels of information sent in communication.  This can be clarified and understood in context when your own filter is removed.

Knowledge is not an inaccurate filter.  So that placing the message sent within the context of the sender allows you to accurately interpret the sender’s meaning.

The personal filter through which you hear can interfere with your capacity to do this, your capacity to be neutral.

Fears, misperceptions about yourself such as insecurities or historical relationship information that do not apply to the current relationship are all filters which will interfere with accurate hearing, and will result in inefficient meaning making.

Follow these steps to create clarity and move yourself into a neutral posture for active listening.

  1. Be open to clarity. Clarify what you heard – Repeat what you heard including the hidden message, and request if that was the message sent.
  2. Be neutral – face your inner fears, inner insecurities, and inner mis-perceived paradigms or pictures by questioning yourself about their veracity.
  3. Utilize an integrated listening and hearing system – integrated spirit, mind, and body.  Do this by paying attention to what you feel, sense, and experience when listening to the message.  Does the information feel right in your heart, does it cognitively go in straight, do you have a physical catch or block to the information?.

Your spirit, mind, and body sensory guidance system guides you to the truth – it cuts through the internal negative or grandiose dialogue and allows truth to be revealed instantly when you are willing to actively listen and remain mindful and present.  This is a type of listening with your third or inner ear.  It is a hearing, feeling, knowing experience.  It is multidimensional in that you know it in your mindfulness or unattached cognitions (understanding), feel it in your body (a sense of flow and ease) and hear it in your heart (a sense of ringing true).

Being present, connecting to listening, and the information, in a present-moment way that incorporates what you know (but discards insecurities, historical patterning in your relationships,  and what you fear) is listening without attachment.

This uplevels your consciousness, truth is revealed and you may take action from an enlightening and powerful place to create relationships and environments that are prosperous. in love and light, beth


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Hearing and Listening in Relationships

Hello and Welcome !  The foundational work of relationship is to maintain a connection and alignment with self while simultaneously connecting with your partner.  It requires a thorough understanding of yourself to do this.  You have to have a sense of what matters to you, your goals, your talents, and your limitations so that you can negotiate the common ground of the relationship or partnership with your partner.

This is harder to accomplish than your may think because humans have a tendency to hide information from themselves or distort truth in order to feel accepted or to feel approval or fit in to their chosen group.  This tendency to hide internal needs may, in one’s youth, assist in avoiding difficult situations or even surviving difficult environments – but the habit later becomes a powerful deterrent to a successful partnership.

Seeking internal guidance and developing an image of your self that coordinates all of the necessary components of your being into a congruent and coherent whole is the first step.

Seek first to know thyself; this suggestion is centered in the understanding that through self-knowledge you can attain your highest goals easily and happily.  Once you have an understanding of who you are you can then begin to connect with another in partnership.  When you begin the connection process you need to have a certain knowledge of yourself and then you can focus your attention on understanding the other.  Through this investigative process you develop the connecting points of your relationship. The better developed your hearing and listening skills, the more facile your capacity to develop relationships.

When beginning a self-discovery, first be willing to accept yourself precisely where you are – it is only through this acceptance that you will have the strength, understanding, and compassion to love yourself.  And through love you can then determine if you have things you would like to change in yourself.  Self knowing is a starting place for self-development, and relationship development.

One common  problem that happens with hearing in relationship is that people get into a habit of hearing what has been said in the past or hearing with a historical negative energy – so that they aren’t actually listening but rather already preparing a defense to what they think they heard.

You may be able to discern this is happening if you are surprised by your partner’s response – for example you say something innocuous and they respond by yelling or with a very negative attitude – using your listening skills you hear the dissonance between what you meant and what was heard by your partner – before mounting your own defensive action I suggest you first ask this question”  what did you hear me say?”  This will get you and your partner refocused into the present so you can communicate more clearly.  And then you can each listen to each other more fully, respectfully and lovingly.

This is true for love and work relationships.

Listening and speaking in a thorough manner when developing the expectations in any relationship will assist both parties in getting what they truly want and connecting more deeply.

This of course is the basic description of mindfulness.  Discovering another’s paradigm as well as your own and then shifting these to see the connecting threads is the place of true intimacy, love, and relationship.

This requires attention to subtlety without judgment and with a focus on connection and clarity with acceptance, compassion, and dispassionate observation.  It requires hearing and listening both – hearing being that component of noticing when something is off, changes in another’s tone, and tenor – and listening being that component of content, meaning, and feeling that we need to listen to from within us and from the perspective the other.

When I am hearing another I feel their meaning from within me and when I am listening I am aware of not just what I perceive but their perspective as well.

Hearing and Listening to another is the ultimate gift of care – it reveals visibility.  From this deep connecting point many negotiation paths are available for relationship.

This is especially true because our world is one of language and verbal, cognitive symbols so that being heard directly relates to being seen and therefore being real.  It is why in the reverse many are drawn to do things against their nature through words that drag them away from their true center.

By focusing our attention on truly listening and hearing the true meaning and perspective of another  we can develop powerful and sustaining relationships as well as avoid those that seem good on the surface but are without sustenance underneath.

Listening and hearing are fundamental tools in relationship.

May your true spirit be heard wherever you go. With the tone of love and light, Beth.