InstinctiveHealthParenting4U

Change your Attitude, Heal your Soul, Balance your Life. Uplevel YOUR consciousness. Find your way HOME through MAAPS.


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mindfulness and parenting revisited

Hello and Welcome

Negotiating the treacherous waters of parenting can be anxiety provoking and discouraging.

This results from both internal insecurity and external unpredictability.

Three steps will keep you in the flow and having fun as you reclaim the role of mama/papa/leader.

Step 1.  Strengthen your connection to your personal sensory guidance system.  This is the connection to the information freeway  from your five senses and your intuition.  This is information about your environment, your child, and others that assists you in making thoughtful decisions. Step 2. Trust your knowing of your child. Listen to him or her – listen with your ears, your heart, and your sensory guidance system. Step 3. Guide with strength and lovingkindness. Be self-confident and go with the flow. Be patient, kind, and firm.  Say I am sorry, and make efforts to shift your responses to best meet you child’s needs.  Model respect and trust by being respectful and trustworthy.  In all your disciplinary responses focus on learning and loving; be loving and sensitive to the multi-level issues involved, respond quickly and clearly, and use the opportunity to teach joy and strength in being a responsible person; an individual connected to a community.

To help you embrace the three steps, understanding the nature of the parenting is key.

  • Parenting is modeled.
  • This means that you learn how to parent from your interpretation of your own parenting.  This concept of learning social interactions through your group associations is a function of how the human brain develops over the first 24 years of life; and a part of what happens whenever you enter a new social group, environment.
  • What you see done is what you incorporate into doing to others and to yourself; as you age the internalized reflection of yourself becomes solidified.  Once you are into middle age the malleability of your reflection, your internalized sel-persona/picture requires a release of the accepted self and a reevaluation of ‘who you are’… due to the solidified nature of your introjected self, often this requires a traumatic event to shift your internal accepted picture of self.
  • There is a strong desire to be accepted and approved of by your significant others (beginning with moms and dads, and then moving on to peers).
  • You know who you are and how you should be treated, what you perceive as your role in relationship, from what is reflected to you by your parents, your primary caregivers, and your first social groups –> your siblings and cousins, and then your peers, friends.
  • So, if there is dysfunction or trauma or damage in those early relationships you have deficits in your ability to navigate the waters of parenting your children.

Cognitive/behavioral therapy, meditation, yoga, and mindfulness development uplevel your consciousness so that you can shift and rebalance your inner self perception and your outer actions.

Trust, be trustworthy, act with strength and kindness, be forgiving and persevering.

As you guide, be willing to incorporate new information about your child or your beliefs and make adjustments to your course to align your actions, beliefs/values, and your parenting.

Parenting is a dynamic, organic (as in living and responsive to environmental changes) process.

  • Be confident, proactive, reflective, flexible, and trustworthy in your actions and intentions.
  • Be willing to adjust your response and be flexible as you see the need to do so and be firm when you perceive this is important.
  • Respond with seriousness to serious problems, and playfulness with problems which are not serious; stay responsive and discern the difference.  in love and light, bg


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4 simple phrases return you to balance, help you remain in recovery

Hello and Welcome

Recovery is a journey rather than a destination.

Step one is to find your way to balance.

Step two is returning to balance.

The Path to Grace is a journey that cycles between these two steps.

These 4 simple phrases assist you in this recovery path, which I call the Path to Grace.

Stop, look, and listen. It is the perfect mantra to create the neutral, present moment, open-minded perspective required for moving through roadblocks. Stop the harmful behavior; look at your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions, to discern what may be underneath your resistance; listen to you heart, tone, whole language to comprehend an underlying covert message.

The attitude of gratitude. Identify the gifts of your history, your drama, and your shift into recovery. Reaffirm your choice for health.  Focus on your strengths, reframe your limitations. The attitude of gratitude creates an inner structure of resilient positive self-esteem rooted in a solid foundation.

Focus on what you want rather than what you fear. This mindful mantra directs your attention to precisely where you have power. Things feared tend to be things unknown that are out of your control. An inner locus of control puts the resilience, power to create, and basic capacity to respond to whatever comes your way into your own hands, so that you believe, have faith and have evidence that you can create what you want.

Be the Change You Wish to See in the World. This is a phrase made famous by M. Gandhi. He was interested in major social change, but this phrase is just as useful in small social worlds. Act mindfully, show respect, be loving, and compassionate as a style of being in the world.  Live your change in every cell of your being, allowing breath, faith, forgiveness, and lovingkindness direct your actions and personal relationships, beginning with your relationship with yourself.  Covey called this change Have to Be, which is to say focus on being what you want to have (Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, 1989).

Keeping these simple mantras close to your heart and mind will increase your capacity for mindfulness.  This will increase your experience of compassion, harmony, and balance in living, and keep you on the recovery Path to Grace.  Namaste, in love and light, bg


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Creating boundaries opens space for connection

Hello and Welcome!

Relationship change and growth are adventures into your heart and soul.

Relationship styles follow a developmental process from Me-style through I-style to We-style.  The Me-style of relating has diffuse and enmeshed boundaries.  Which mean the boundaries between Me and You in relationship get blurred.  The way in which a participant in a Me-style relationship makes decisions is through a need to agree with, or merge into the other to feel the connection.  This is how the co-dependence begins.  The individual in a Me-style of relating has difficulty saying No when asked to act or be in a way that is inauthentic, because the driving force is to connect at all costs including loss of self.  The picture of this kind of relationship is two halves coming together to make a whole.  So there is a lack of boundaries between the two participants.   (  )

To move into an I-style of relationship requires closing off the boundaries around yourself.  Developing a sense of yourself that is defined from within so that you can guide yourself toward your own goals.  You need to develop ways to meet your own needs and to depend on yourself.  This is both exhilarating and frightening.  Once you do this you are freer to develop into a fuller picture of yourself.  Rather than two halves making one whole you are developing a whole picture of yourself so that you can move into and I-style of relationship, two Is walking side-by-side without integration.  Connection is through a tally sheet of exchanges.  Here competition, defensiveness, and independence drive the relationship so that an individual in an I-style of relating has difficulty saying Yes when asked to create dependence or interdependence.  The fear for an individual in an I-style of relating is to become engulfed into the other and lose himself.  As with the Me-style of relationship this is a result of an insecure sense of self.  Unlike the Me-style of relationship, where the drive to be connected causes enmeshed or a lack of boundaries, in the I-style of relating the fear of enmeshment results in overly rigid boundaries.  The picture of this kind of relationship is two Is walking side-by-side, solitary selves walking next to each other without integration.  0 0

You have to develop a solid sense of yourself, deal with adversity against your picture of yourself , and create a personal relationship with yourself, to live in an I-style of relationship.  After solidifying this experience and developing a sense of trust that you will not sell yourself out, you can begin to move into a We-style of relationship.  An I-style of relationship is a stepping-stone to get to a We-style of relationship.  This is because you have to develop boundaries first (I-style) before you can be flexible with your boundaries in a dynamic way (We-style).

The interdependence of a We-style of relationship allows for strength of self and connection to other, simultaneously.  The We-style of relationship incorporates support of the individual and collective goals and needs with a dynamic, flux movement between the resources of the relationship toward whatever of these needs attention at any given time.  This requires strong boundaries and flexibility in the interdependence of the two individuals and the third aspect, the relationship or partnership.  So that rather than ½ + ½ = 1 (me-style) or 1,1 (I-style) you create a situation where 1+1 = 3, or more than the sum of its parts (we-style).  The picture of the We-style of relationship includes two wholes and a third aspect, which is the area the two individuals overlap to create the relationship vortex, o()o (view this symbol as two circles overlapping each other to create an inner vortex).

Fear can really be a block to change, embracing the attitude of adventure can reframe your fear into excitement, offering an energy or anticipation to help you to flow with the change rather than block or freeze when faced with change.

This is how boundaries work.  Boundaries create a definition.  They clarify this is me, and this is you, through defining where you end and another begins.  This clarification creates a deeper understanding of each individual and also how couples, partners or groups coexist and share goals.  From the defined individual space, the boundary, you can create the space for a sense of oneness and togetherness.

Flowing through the process of change begins with gentleness.  Boundaries assist in creating an internal container, so that you can move through a process of change more harmoniously.  Creating boundaries comes out of self-love, and love toward your partner.  The clearer you are about you and other the better you are about defining what you want and what you can give in relationship.  Boundaries increase connection.

See if you can discover in a self-affirming, authentic way the edges of you and how you integrate with your partner this will give you space to discern an interdependency that support you both and your relationship. in love and light, beth


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11. T’ai, Peace, I ching: as a Guiding Source of Turning Me to We

Peace comes from receptivity driving creativity – mind following heart:

11.T’ai. Peace, I Ching.

K’un(receptive) above, ch’ien creative) below

…Great approaches. Good fortune. Success.The image:  Heaven and earth unite:  the image of PEACE. Thus the ruler divides and completes the course of heaven and earth; he furthers and regulates the gifts of heaven and earth, and so aids the people.  Wilhelm/Baynes, 3rd edition (1959, 1967, 1971)

The concept of heart guiding focus is a part of mindfulness, Taoism, Buddhism, and Christianity.  The implication of the treatise to do the right thing as guided by god is a part of the Jewish, Islamic and Hindu traditions.  The threads of rightness as proclaimed from the unification of earth and heaven, human and spirit, with the guidance of rightness from ones heart (spirit) rather than ones mind allows for ‘peace on earth as it is in heaven’.

Cues to the many threads of agreement are found throughout religious and spiritual texts if your willingness to look for agreement (collaboration and connection) overrides your desire to be right (competition and narcissism).

In order for Peace to be the defining force among humans, the consciousness of rightness must shift out of an adversarial Alpha-style of civilization to a Beta-style of collaboration.  This is the effect of Turning Me (driven by competition and narcissism) to We (focused through collaboration and connection); rightness from a dualistic perspective, Kohlberg shifting to rightness from a holistic perspective of inclusion and care, Gilligan.

It is predicted throughout time by philosophers of various beliefs and in varied social-spiritual texts that to unite human and spirit, have the mind create what is known as truth in the heart.  Mindful partnering is the way of upleveling consciousness and living in the light of universal spirit on the earth-plane so that all beings are upleveled together.  The resultant style of interaction among spirit-humans is Peace.

This heart focused style of relating comes out of connecting and unifying rather than dissecting and dividing. The means of how you get to Peace matters; a means that follows mind without heart, leads to destruction rather than unification of heaven and earth, even if the intent of the actor is that of Peace.  This mind separated from heart style is human thinking separated from spiritual truth.  Non-violent actions and words lead to the opportunity to create unity, connection and put heart (spirit) in the driving seat.  Violent words and actions, even toward an idealized goal or belief system, separate heart and mind and put mind in the driver’s seat.

The way  to higher consciousness-living now, follows the I Ching hexagram 11. T’ai – Peace, receptive above and creative below.  In every action let your heart lead; let your mind create what your heart (spirit) desires and knows as truth; see the other as yourself and your heart will be your guiding light in action. in love and light, beth


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3 steps to forgiveness

Hello and welcome

Forgiveness is required to release anger and move through any difficult situation.  The energy of forgiveness comes from a balanced mindful perspective that is  heart centered.  Practicing mindfulness increases your openness and your awareness allowing your mind to hear the calling of your heart.

When you are stuck in your thinking process you may find that you get into a loop about the different aspects of a problem or conflict.  This loop is driven by the left brain analytical aspect of your brain.  The right brain aspect of your brain receives information in wholes, it gets imprints of information – spirit mind and body integrated.

Both aspects of your brain are beneficial in sorting through problems.  The left brain, verbal and analytical aspect that separates and evaluates in a more tangible fashion is necessary for movement through complex problems and conflicts.  It gets to the figure issue of the problem.  The Right brain, image, whole, and energy evaluator is necessary for getting to the background and interconnections that can allow for transition or transformation.

The key is to allow for your understanding, empathy, and big picture connection to inform your analytical specificity evaluator.  This directs you to see through a mindful,  compassionate, integrated perspective so that you can release the  dualistic right/wrong style of consciousness.  This shifts the power of the injury or anger and helps you align with your internal sensory guidance system.

Three steps move you through to forgiveness.

  1. Allow the fullness of the pain and injury, anger and trauma to be experienced.  Do not skip to forgiveness, feel the pain.  Do not stuff down the pain or the shock.  This release is important and necessary.   Make this a finite thing, not something that goes on and on or becomes a way of life.  Utilize writing, talking, and creative artistic measures to get to the injury and clarify your experience.  Note what verbal and cognitive equations that begin to develop, ie:  a sense that you will never trust again, never love again, never have another child, never go through this again.  This will give you a clue as to what habit reaction pattern you may be setting up and a direction about what you need to forgive.  the issue is usually very subtle, not the whole injury just some piece that shocked your system.
  2. Create a space to dialogue (if this is possible) with the injurer.  Identify how you participated in the conflict so that you can shift yourself and your action in the future.  Look at the situation from a larger view and from the perspective of the other person – notice if he was operating under a different paradigm than you and if you can shift the misunderstanding through dialogue or negotiation.  If the injury is without another side or perspective look for what good, light, beautiful outcomes came out of the situation; this is most difficult when there is a loss of someone you love through no fault of your own or his.  Still focus on the light will help to move you through to forgiveness and the uplevel your consciousness.  This is where allowing your heart to lead and connecting with your right brain imprint, memories, and wholes to help you to have access to the light.  you can do this through creative maneuvers, painting, drawing, music, building – these are all powerful tools to get to your inner healing and inner knowing.
  3. Set a time to let go of the injury.  Also use this third step to identify a holistic,. balanced picture of you without the injury and moving joyously through life.  Do this is a concrete way.  You can use writing or a picture.  Take the information in a tangible form and release it through burning it.  Do this in a safe and contained way.  Then allow yourself to take the created future that you identified and burn that into existence.  You may find you want to create a structure or an image of what you are releasing and what you are bringing in to remind you to remain in forgiveness.  You can use these a cues to remind you to live in the now and the light.

Forgiveness is essential for health.  Holding onto an injury distorts your perspective, skews the energy in your integrated spirit, mind, body field and can over time create stagnation, disruption and disease.  Letting go, releasing the injury or anger and incorporating a higher consciousness understanding regarding the situation heals and rights your imbalance.  This can reset your energy field so that you promote health rather than stagnation and misdirection.

Joy.  Light. Love.  These are the tools of your heart and lead the way to uplevel your consciousness, integrate you spirit, mind, and body and through these tools you can change the world around you through changing the world within you. in love and light, bg


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Listen without attachment, Hear truth

Hello and Welcome!

Listening is an active process.  It is active in that it requires focused attention and neutral or accurate interpretation.

Hearing is a function of this process of focused, unattached listening.  Meaning is the by-product – it is what you hear.

When you listen fresh, and without attachment, you free yourself to hear the meaning sent versus your internal negative dialogue or grandiose spin on either the speaker or your self perceptions.

What you hear reveals information about yourself when you hear through the filter of this inner dialogue.

In addition when information is heard through this inner dialogue filter, what another hears you say has more to do with him than with you.

There are levels of information sent in communication.  This can be clarified and understood in context when your own filter is removed.

Knowledge is not an inaccurate filter.  So that placing the message sent within the context of the sender allows you to accurately interpret the sender’s meaning.

The personal filter through which you hear can interfere with your capacity to do this, your capacity to be neutral.

Fears, misperceptions about yourself such as insecurities or historical relationship information that do not apply to the current relationship are all filters which will interfere with accurate hearing, and will result in inefficient meaning making.

Follow these steps to create clarity and move yourself into a neutral posture for active listening.

  1. Be open to clarity. Clarify what you heard – Repeat what you heard including the hidden message, and request if that was the message sent.
  2. Be neutral – face your inner fears, inner insecurities, and inner mis-perceived paradigms or pictures by questioning yourself about their veracity.
  3. Utilize an integrated listening and hearing system – integrated spirit, mind, and body.  Do this by paying attention to what you feel, sense, and experience when listening to the message.  Does the information feel right in your heart, does it cognitively go in straight, do you have a physical catch or block to the information?.

Your spirit, mind, and body sensory guidance system guides you to the truth – it cuts through the internal negative or grandiose dialogue and allows truth to be revealed instantly when you are willing to actively listen and remain mindful and present.  This is a type of listening with your third or inner ear.  It is a hearing, feeling, knowing experience.  It is multidimensional in that you know it in your mindfulness or unattached cognitions (understanding), feel it in your body (a sense of flow and ease) and hear it in your heart (a sense of ringing true).

Being present, connecting to listening, and the information, in a present-moment way that incorporates what you know (but discards insecurities, historical patterning in your relationships,  and what you fear) is listening without attachment.

This uplevels your consciousness, truth is revealed and you may take action from an enlightening and powerful place to create relationships and environments that are prosperous. in love and light, beth


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Know thyself, know your partner, use mindfulness

Hello and Welcome!  Partnering is one of the most important and trickiest of ventures.  I have been watching partners break apart for years but recently I have been noticing an interesting pattern.

Agreements are set down in relationship, I’ll do this for you, you do this for me.  This is part and parcel to developing partnerships.  These can be explicit or implicit but they are there.

Pay attention to what you agree to implicitly.  When relationships break apart the more the agreements were implicit the more there is disagreement about the agreement.  The less spelled-out, clarified, identified the equation of exchange,  the more each party puts his or her own spin on the particular exchange components/expectations.  This is especially true in partnerships where one party gets a lot of recognition for what perhaps both parties are doing.

This is usually a power exchange.  I will do this to promote you and you do this to promote me.  The one who doesn’t get the recognition feels betrayed but it is difficult to really get to what the true exchange was.

These agreements may be spiritual, emotional, or physical.  Problems develop on both sides, if the individual who gets more recognition is truly depending on the less-recognized partner to make it happen, that person stops doing what is required or leaves and takes that work with him, then, the person who is getting the recognition is left unable to move forward and looks a bit like a fraud.

From the less recognized perspective if the person getting the recognition is able to use that to move into another position and doesn’t take the less recognized partner with him, then, the person who has actually been doing the work may be left with nothing.

The place where this is most painful is when someone is exchanging his hard work to simply receive love.  This is a more spiritual agreement that is broken and injures the person who sees the love leave with the partner.

Identify what you see, feel, hear, want to give and get out of the relationship.  When creating partnerships, avoid making assumptions that you and your partner have the same understanding about your participation and outcome.

Know yourself, know your partner, use mindfulness.

  • Be prepared to have a full and complete conversation about what you desire from and give to the partnership.
  • Look underneath the surface of what your partner is offering – pay attention to what you see has happened previously with that person, in relationship.  Do not presume that if he has historically abandoned his partner that he will be different with you – unless you are aware of a fundamental experience in that person’s life that supports a fundamental change in relating.
  • Personally evaluate your true intention and agenda in the partnership.
  • Be open to the fact that you and your partner are dynamic and therefore your, or your partner’s, needs, expectations, and capacities may change over time.
  • Keep the conversation going, check in on a quarterly basis and make adjustments.

These actions may not keep the partnership going, but you will have a dissolution when and under circumstances that promote your and your partner’s health rather than injury.  in love and light, beth