Hello and Welcome! Partnering is one of the most important and trickiest of ventures. I have been watching partners break apart for years but recently I have been noticing an interesting pattern.
Agreements are set down in relationship, I’ll do this for you, you do this for me. This is part and parcel to developing partnerships. These can be explicit or implicit but they are there.
Pay attention to what you agree to implicitly. When relationships break apart the more the agreements were implicit the more there is disagreement about the agreement. The less spelled-out, clarified, identified the equation of exchange, the more each party puts his or her own spin on the particular exchange components/expectations. This is especially true in partnerships where one party gets a lot of recognition for what perhaps both parties are doing.
This is usually a power exchange. I will do this to promote you and you do this to promote me. The one who doesn’t get the recognition feels betrayed but it is difficult to really get to what the true exchange was.
These agreements may be spiritual, emotional, or physical. Problems develop on both sides, if the individual who gets more recognition is truly depending on the less-recognized partner to make it happen, that person stops doing what is required or leaves and takes that work with him, then, the person who is getting the recognition is left unable to move forward and looks a bit like a fraud.
From the less recognized perspective if the person getting the recognition is able to use that to move into another position and doesn’t take the less recognized partner with him, then, the person who has actually been doing the work may be left with nothing.
The place where this is most painful is when someone is exchanging his hard work to simply receive love. This is a more spiritual agreement that is broken and injures the person who sees the love leave with the partner.
Identify what you see, feel, hear, want to give and get out of the relationship. When creating partnerships, avoid making assumptions that you and your partner have the same understanding about your participation and outcome.
Know yourself, know your partner, use mindfulness.
- Be prepared to have a full and complete conversation about what you desire from and give to the partnership.
- Look underneath the surface of what your partner is offering – pay attention to what you see has happened previously with that person, in relationship. Do not presume that if he has historically abandoned his partner that he will be different with you – unless you are aware of a fundamental experience in that person’s life that supports a fundamental change in relating.
- Personally evaluate your true intention and agenda in the partnership.
- Be open to the fact that you and your partner are dynamic and therefore your, or your partner’s, needs, expectations, and capacities may change over time.
- Keep the conversation going, check in on a quarterly basis and make adjustments.
These actions may not keep the partnership going, but you will have a dissolution when and under circumstances that promote your and your partner’s health rather than injury. in love and light, beth