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Change your Attitude, Heal your Soul, Balance your Life. Uplevel YOUR consciousness. Find your way HOME through MAAPS.


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#yesallwomen, social media awareness, actual awareness

Raising awareness is absolutely one of the best aspects of social media, be it twitter, instagram, facebook, etal.

Having spent half my life helping people discover what interferes with their success, and then doing something about it, I can strongly say that insight and awareness simply aren’t sufficient for real change.

Awareness that there is a problem is a necessary but insufficient quality for real change

Hyped up social media awareness can sometimes actually overshadow the opportunities for creating a real change.

How can this be? Well, mostly because there are people who will use the excitement and drama to misdirect and amplify the issue without bringing real healing tools to the gathering.  The democrats will blame the republicans, the republicans will blame the feminists… the (fill in the blank group) will assert their superiority over the other (fill in the blank group)…

….and instead of a deep, powerful conversation happening about misogyny and how women are being sexually harassed and the extent of demeaning actions towards women …

….and the underlying forces that create this acceptable behavior by society (the reasons are not due to one simple fact or group) it becomes an opportunity for propaganda about how a specific group has it all right, while another has it all wrong.

An aha experience of insight or awareness can lead to a quantum shift in consciousness or a healing crisis.  With either of these, real change can happen.

There is some simplicity.

  • Rape is an aggressive, violent action that uses sex as a weapon.
  • Women’s bodies do not call out to be raped.
  • Glorifying rape; talking about women as objects rather than human; Showing images of women being brutalized and objectified – all of these actions create women as second class non-humans that are then set up to be raped, harassed, demeaned and overpowered.
  • Society glorifying the music industry and movie industry for their part in this creates the space for all women to be brutalized, sexually harassed, overpowered, and dispossessed of their innate humanity.

This isn’t a puritanical religious issue, this isn’t a conservative/liberal issue, this is a power issue mostly brought about by the groups in power.  The ones that keep telling you they are there to protect you, and they are on women’s sides…old and new.

  • Breasts are sexualized and objectified separately from their human function; used in naked-girl magazines, disney cartoons, and by feminists as much as the religious groups.
  • Until it is seen as a natural, normal thing to breastfeed children in public and not have it be gross (because it has been overshadowed by the sexual aspect of breasts), women’s breasts will be seen as tantalizing and power objects by men and women alike.

#yesallwomen is a great idea, raising the consciousness of what women have to endure as girls, and young women and old women.

But many of the groups who have joined in the cause to get a piece of the action are the perpetrators that keep that trauma going for women.

Power is the issue.

Until women have a handle on how to be powerful in ways that don’t include the preconceived notion of these groups that are simply using women and their issues for their own political and power gain, real change is not going to happen.  (And just a hint, it isn’t the power to walk around naked…it’s the power to be seen as powerful in their innate femininity).

If you want to help all women, stop glorifying the sexualization of children, the brutalization of women, stop passively going along with the cool game of overpowering women in ALL ways..how?

Stop buying those songs, speak out against them.  Stop watching those movies, stop feeding the industries that keep women down, including, when applicable, feminists that say they are out to help women while putting down their own gender to create their own power structure.

Mothers raise boys and girls.  Mothers teach their girls to take care and be authentic, and yes to be careful to not get raped…mothers need to raise boys to care for girls in a way that doesn’t put the onus on the girl to maintain her goodness.  Fathers raise boys and girls.  Fathers need to deal with the importance of teaching masculinity, without teaching that rape is okay, or that it is the girl’s responsibility to not get raped.

I am asking you to think, to be mindful in your anger, attitude, and righteousness in how you join into this discussion.  Because for those of us who have been one of the #yesallwomen who have had to deal with rape, sexual harassment, work related and personally, it’s a painful, shame-filled wound, so the discussion, the raising of awareness needs to be real, helpful, and not harmful.

Elevate the conversation. Go further, find a way to work with that group you despise, let your real, true love and desire for healing be your guide, because then you will be having the kind of conversation that will result in the elevation of consciousness…and in that shift all women will be enlightened. #yesallwomen, and yesallmen; yes to all humans working together in love and light, bg

 


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Pushing Yang over Yin energy for power: negative effects of the masculinization of femininity, part 3

The negative effects of the masculinization of femininity. Part 3 of 3.

Dependent, apathetic, disconnected children.  Adolescents and young adults are delaying stepping into a fully independent role in society while enjoying many rights at even younger ages.

I perceive the reticence of the millennium  generation to avoid entering into responsible roles in society, delaying entering into adulthood through various avenues of remaining dependent on parents and institutions for support, healthcare and living expenses, the malaise, apathy and lack of focus by an increasing many of the youngest generation– I see all of these serious issues as part of the side effects of the course that feminism has taken.

Feminism has created an environment where men aren’t needed in caring for children.  The way in which the feminist movement has focused on elevating women has resulted in minimizing, even eradicating the role of men in caring for and raising children; even issues of providing financially for children has fallen to the state, leaving men to be outcast with respect to having responsible behavior toward their children and the mothers of their children.  Men have in many cases been only the physical, genetic requirement.

This diminishment of the man’s role and importance in children’s lives has been a result of the style in which feminist policies have been inculcated and disseminated and it has had a devastating effect on children.

Focusing on the importance of being free sexually has unexpectedly resulted in an over sexualization of children – on one hand creating children as sexual beings far earlier than is healthy while keeping them as children with respect to when they need to be responsible. The Disney corporation, now a part of ABC, focuses on portraying young children as far superior in intelligence than their parents, while dramatizing even the animation characters as over-sexualized with large breasts barely fitting into the drawn-on dress that minimally covers the child’s hips. Additionally, presenting strength in these female characters as aggressive while diminishing any reference to femininity, interior strength required to withstand labor and required to be mindful and powerful creators.  While on the one hand it is refreshing to see the removal of all the victim/rescuer stories of past days it is problematic that the message moves from victim awaiting rescue to sexualized aggressive (read masculinized) child.

To project women as strong beings at ease with their sensuality, recognizing the power in their fullness would be far more effective in strengthening women’s rights and opportunities.  Women need to be able to embrace their sexuality and carry power over their bodies without having to choose to be either a shielded/covered up being or someone who is throwing sex into every equation… it is a matter of elevating the conversation, presenting power through an emancipated woman able to choose how she wants to be seen and represented in the world.  

Women’s rights have actually been diminished in this new sexual age, due to the masculinization of femininity through this skewed feminism…see the youtube below for an example.

The culture has disconnected the rights, and responsibilities for/to those rights, so that the adolescence period has gone from five years (13-18) to 13 years (13-26).  Rather than offering an opportunity to further develop skills by offering a longer adolescent period, this has resulted in a situation where  they are ill-prepared to enter society as high functioning participants. They have become accustomed to having no responsibilities tied to their rights.

Adolescence is a social, cultural construct.  It is not a biological stage.  In human societies the adolescent remains with the family to learn social roles, expectations, and develop moral concepts, cognitive skills, impulse control, and develop skills/work training.

From a neurological perspective the brain continues to develop and is somewhat plastic through 26 (28). From a psychosocial perspective the development through the Erikson stages is fairly plastic through age 24. So with those two pieces of data – by not tying rights and responsibilities together before 26 – we are essentially sealing the cognitive beliefs and behaviors to have these unlinked from each other, thereby creating a distorted sense of dependence and independence.

The cost of feminism on this Course, delineated in Part 1, and Part 2, is to diminish the importance of teaching, modeling, caring for children and helping them become independent in the proper timeline. It has distorted the importance of gender roles within the context of a family and a social group.  Thereby leaving both women and men unsure as to how to relate to one another.  (See Turning Me to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness, Gineris, 2013).

The human species has one of the longest childrearing times.  This is partially due to the fact that the human brain is underdeveloped at birth. The style in which humans learn about how to live, grow, partner, and socialize is through modeling from the significant caregivers. Without a representation of healthy interrelating, whole, balanced yin and yang aspects of each gender in the social structure, how can a little human learn to be a multi-dimensionally developed adult? I wonder to what degree  this is the reason for such a high level of depression, bipolarity, ADHD, and suicidal thinking among our children — they aren’t given am opportunity to create a true connection to meaning, manage their internal needs with their social expectations, manage their will, understand and develop resilience and personal strength.

You don’t really see suicide in healthy animal populations, until and unless there is human contamination with that species – so it’s something to consider how society may be creating such problems through an imbalanced perspective of femininity.

With respect to humans, across societies women predominantly care for children; in some societies they do physical work as well as household work, depending on the need in that region and the level of financial need.

brain gender differences

So, diminishing the importance of that feminine role, and handing it off to state agencies: day care, schools, and programs limits and truncates the positive aspects of a women’s skills in this regard.

Studies show that the brains of women actually are wired to tend and befriend in times of strife…yet feminists are trying to eradicate that aspect of a woman’s role –trying to create yang brains instead of yin ones…

    (See figure to the left) Women experience tend and befriend response rather than Fight and flight, moderated through oxytocin and other hormones. Secreted at times of bonding, nurturing, breast-feeding and relationships. Taylor SE et al. Psych Review 2000;107(3):411-29

 Those who want to control a society go to the child generation to actually program in what is seen as valuable, acceptable, and imprint the belief systems required for the society.  This has to be enacted before the development of moral thinking which begins to solidify around 9 years old…although there is evidence that moral thinking begins earlier than that, and that concentrated, practiced mindful meditation can strongly influence the development of altruism and empathy.

Hatred of a specific group has to be taught to a child.  Self-confidence, management of will and power, are all taught.  Through efficient parenting children develop from dependent, to independent, to interdependent; without it a child or adolescent can become stuck in an earlier stage of development and simply not reach his or her full potential as an adult in interactive and cognitive skills.

Due to the plasticity of the brain through 24-26 (or 28) year old, enculturation is clarified in the young adult years, making schools, and learning institutions opportunities for mind expanding or mind-contracting growth.  Depending on what is happening in those learning institutions.  If feminists say that to be a healthy woman you must have specific political beliefs and specific roles than feminism is diminishing the rights and opportunities of women.

Here is an example of how the feminist movement has lost site of its vision.  

I have been observing a sharp shift in focus in the universities’ presentation of fact versus beliefs in fields that are represented by women’s studies, philosophy, and sociology.  What I am observing is that universities have increasingly become factories to promote propaganda of various ideologies by either stating things are truth, that are simply belief systems, or setting up ‘studies’ to promote these ‘truths’.  Additionally the activities of critical thinking, and interactive investigation through dialogue are less supported and in fact discouraged.

There is a movie out called God’s not Dead  (April 2014) which  documents the inner attack of religion and the attack of specifically christian-faith groups on college and university campuses across America…resulting in over twenty legal civil rights court cases wherein the religious groups and students personal rights were harmed… this underscores my observation that specific prevailing beliefs are being offered as truth in the universities across america...resulting in the universities being propaganda promoters rather than communities of higher learning and free discourse.  Although the movie is a dramatization of these events, the style in which those of faith are attacked in general under the guise of intellectuality is ubiquitous.

This course of feminism, the masculinization of femininity, has resulted in a breakdown in the importance of teaching children, and caring for them.  This role has thus been taken away from the home and has begun to be placed in government agencies, day care systems, and schools.  We don’t efficiently care for them as a society, we are expecting dependence, and we don’t provide the environment that allows for independence and the evolution of consciousness.

To create a new more comprehensive feminist movement yin aspects of femininity need to be honored.

  • All women’s choices for healthy roles in the society need to be valued.
  • Attack of women to reduce their power or control them needs to be disavowed.
  • Transcending the spaces where yin and yang interact to incorporate both in an equal way would result in setting right the current imbalance, offering a true path toward valuing the feminine.

This would result in an elevation of consciousness and the incorporation into leadership, and society, the qualities of compassion, collaboration and unity, all feminine, yin aspects of personality. Many of the answers to the current global dilemmas can be found through a rebalancing of these feminine, yin qualities into feminism.  The power of the feminine is best when it is balanced yin and yang, and that which is at the core feminine in nature provides grace, strength, and power to the solutions therein.

Each reader can create change now, by simply resetting his or her internal balance of yin and yang.  When you transcend the duality of aggression or victim, you elevate consciousness to include balanced yin and yang.  Balanced interaction begets more balance, the shift up is natural and moves instantaneously, it is quantum in nature. Your energy can effect change . Be the change you wish to see in the world.    Namaste, in love and light, bg

You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com.front cover.me2we

Discover where you are in the Temperament and  the MAAPS section.  You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships.  MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money,  Achievement,  Attachment, Power,  Structure).

If you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.  One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one  another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all.  in love and light, bg


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Pushing Yang over Yin energy for power: the focus of feminism in the millennium, part 1

The feminist movement in the millennium and the masculinization of femininity. This is Part 1 in a series of 3.

In my early education I was taught to question accepted belief systems, as a  way of clarifying the underlying paradigms and developing mindfulness.  As the years have passed since my your, our world has changed.  I notice that there is still a lot of questioning of traditional beliefs but I have noticed that alternative beliefs or beliefs identified as progressive are not as questioned among my peers.  Perhaps it’s because it feels like it’s proven to my peers; additionally, there is this energy that finally these non-traditional ideas are now taking hold, so there is no need to question them…but I think it’s a good thing to evaluate what you believe from the inside out, and see if what is being created is actually a better situation or needs more fine-tuning.

I often find I am standing in the center of a controversial subject, which is to say that I see points of view from both sides; I experience my conclusion to these controversies is not fully in alignment to either side…so I find myself alone, a lot, outside of either group….

Just because something is popular, doesn’t make it right…and sometimes the thing that is right: sound and just, isn’t popular.

Belief systems are set in the center of the social milieu…what sociologists call location in time.  As an example, in the fifties in America drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes while pregnant was completely acceptable…today there are prohibitions not only legally and socially but also medically for doing such, because it has been determined that alcohol and cigarettes have deleterious effects on the developing baby in a woman’s womb.

So the idea of feminism has been applied to various social issues.  My concept of feminism seems to be different from how the word is interpreted by various groups.  From my perspective the idea of feminism is inclusive of elevating the opportunities and rights of women…not exchanging rights or limiting rights, or diminishing women who choose more traditional roles.  Feminists should on the face of their actions support women, all women.  They should actually stand up for each other and not create a divisive set of good women and bad women groups. Feminism should entail a broad set of beliefs that are inclusive of the roles women choose, should provide support to women figures that have attained a positive power role in society and should focus on increasing opportunity for women.  At the least feminism should not be a way to deride women who are participating in traditional roles or who have chosen to be conservative versus liberal…this action alone is hypocritical and deflates the positive aspects of the feminist social movement.

Recently there have been three situations in the news where women have been forced to step down from speaking at universities due almost exclusively to their political affiliations:  most recently, Christine LaGarde, previously Condoleza Rice, and just previous to that Ayaan Hirsi Ali.Wall street journal, may 12, 2014, ..closed minded universities.. previously Condoleza Rice, and just previous to that Ayaan Hirsi Ali, latimes, april 2014, …an example of a university not choosing to stand for freedom of expression, critical thinking…

These individuals have each overcome tremendous adversity and attained a position of influence and clarity in their specific fields.  And yet, rather than being supported or defended by the feminist movement leaders, their treatment is either ignored or the feminist leaders are complicit in deriding the women.  I understand this is sociological group behavior, ostracize behavior seen unacceptable by the ruling group leaders…and it is not popular today to be conservative, it is not popular today to go against the current progressive belief systems and it is not popular today to be in any way affiliated with the finance community…but the fact that the feminist movement is choosing which roles are acceptable and which roles are not is simply another way to control women and limit their choices which is the opposite of the goal of feminism.  It is a real war on women, driven by women.

Feminism has unfortunately taken a bifurcated, and skewed course over its reign, since the late 1800s.  I perceive that indeed some actions supported and advocated under feminist ideas are actually limiting women’s rights and opportunities, while others are increasing women’s freedom and equality in the American society.

By analyzing the course of feminism with a neutral perspective, unencumbered by the propaganda of the feminist movement, I have come to a few vastly different conclusions than the current progressive belief systems taught in university.

I perceive Feminism of the sixties as a paradigm of increasing the opportunities for women to participate in sexual relationships without the threat of having to deal with pregnancy or child-rearing. This is directly related to the development of the birth control pill. Women wanted the freedom they observed in their gender counterparts…This is one of the main driving forces behind feminism and ‘civil rights’ of women and is the issue that is behind women’s rights in areas where women’s sexuality are severely controlled by the society in which they live.  This is a far more pressing issue in countries other than America… ie: where women are ritually circumcised to reduce the degree of sexual pleasure they experience in sex — this is to control women.  This aspect of feminism is akin to women’s voting rights of the suffragist movement.  Both of these aspects of feminism have greatly increased women’s rights as human being and their equality to their gender counterparts in society.  I perceive to be of great importance.

Another important issue of feminism is to recognize the importance of equal pay for equal work, this was first in play in the forties and then returned in the eighties and nineties when women began to identify the glass ceiling in corporate America. It was at this time that the power suit came into play. It brought with it a shift away from creating more choice for women and extending opportunity to choosing which kind of behavior was favored by the feminist movement.  This was the beginning of an accepted persecution of women whom they felt didn’t support this focus. This resulted in a fracturing of the feminist  movement.

Pushing Yang (active, competitive, masculine energy) over Yin (feminine energy, inner creation, collaboration), the movement attacked women directly for their personal free choice of how to work, marry, and participate in society.  Value was placed on ‘doing man’s work, in the corporate and political world.  Working at home, caring for children, and traditional roles were devalued.

Women are in general paid less than men how much less depends a little of whether you are comparing apples to oranges. The amount less for similar work is now around 5% less – so an amazing good score for the efforts of feminists in this arena. But at what cost has this been achieved?  The means of achieving it has created other unintended consequences (see more in part 2, and part 3 of this series).

Society and location in time have a lot to do with the original pay discrepancy and how things have changed today.  A change started in the forties, the fifties created a lull in that change, but as part of the sixties movement  this began to change. The nineties addressed this through a changing focus on gender roles. It has been shifting to a more equal compensation in the last ten years.

In the fifties, a man worked to support a family (children and a wife) and women worked to support one.  This was partly due to the culture of the fifties that women worked in the home and men worked outside the home.  So the employer tended to pay accordingly.  As women became more highly educated and interested in working outside the home the shift in the marketplace  represented that societal shift.

Several issues plagued the movement toward equal pay:  specifically biological limits of childbearing (women are limited in the range for safely getting pregnant while men can conceive over twice the number of years), childrearing (although daycare and equality for men to stay at home and raise the children came into action in the nineties, for the most part this role fell to women).

So men stayed in the workforce and at that company while women left to have children, get married, and tended to leave to follow their partners. Additionally, from a sociological perspective men were mentored to move into the areas of business which were on the fast track to moving up the corporate ladder, marketing, sales while women were mentored into human service which dead ended at middle management or areas away from the ladder; this appears to have a connection to the issues of having the freedom to child bear and child rear and still be in the workplace.

Okay so fast forward to now: due to the no contest divorce effects, (IHM march 13, 2014 blog) and other factors, more women are having to support children without the help of men and so that fifties concept no longer applies.

Additionally, women no longer wait to have babies in a committed/married/partnered relationship. There a number of circumstances where women are not supported by the other parent  indeed sometimes the other contributor is the federal or state government through Medicaid and other funding, including women who choose to parent via IVF as single parents.

So equal pay is a more appropriate response to the societal change and is  a good place for feminism to focus on when supporting the rights of women.

When you do a statistical analysis that really takes into account these issues, time in the workforce, and job choice, the difference between genders is less than 5% for pay for similar jobs, according to new studies out this year.

In this arena feminism has done a great job to move forward the importance of equalizing the attitude toward women in the workforce and their value there.  

But I propose the course of doing this by the feminist movement resulted in the masculinization of femininity which has had an unintended consequence of creating a harmful imbalance in society resulting in separating ‘good feminist women’ from ‘bad feminist women’ based on the roles they chose to play in society AND creating a serious breakdown of the psychosocial development of generations of children.  To see how read part 2, and part 3 of this series. offered in love and light bg 


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Your internal MAAPS of Relationship

Hello and Welcome!  This is a reblog of a September 30, 2013 post.

To have a powerful, positive, and mutually satisfying relationship you need to decipher the code to your map.  Turning ME to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness (Gineris 2013) offers insight into how your create your inner map in relationship, what kind of relationship feels secure to you, and what drives that security.

It is like a mystery or a puzzle.  (more on puzzles and mysteries, instinctivehealthmedicine.com/2010/06/17/introspection-and-epiphany/Malcolm Gladwell)

Relationships are complex.  We use a map to partner.  This map is designed from these intersecting coordinates

  • Your temperament,
  • Your social group connections,
  • The prevailing Cultural beliefs of Your location in time,
  • And, your security drivers from your psychosocial childhood development:  What I call MAAPS

The key to navigating relationship is to discover what drives YOU to partner, what a good partner LOOKS like to your heart, mind, and body blueprint.  And when that picture has some skews in it – this book offers soul-utions for how to shift that center and boundaries of your inner map.

So what are the map-keys  in relationship?

  • Your family structure, how you observed your family relate to each other & YOU
  • Your personal group ties, religion, ethnicity, part of USA or other country, and your socio-economic status:  READ your BELIEF systems,

These feel instinctive but are learned.

It delineates HOW you develop in relationship.  From a ME style through an I style to  WE.  This is from dependent through an independent to an interdependent style of interacting

To shift from ME or I into a WE-style of relationship requires moving your paradigm perspective from DUALITY to UNITY.  Use the MAAPS security driver system:  Money, Achievement, Attachment, Power or Structure,  to decipher the code of relationships by understanding your insecurity drivers.  By reviewing the test you can discern which of the security drivers drives, how, with whom, and under what conditions you partner.

Once you understand your personal map you can use meditation, mindfulness, and breathwork exercises and techniques to shift perspective, from a Me or I into a WE-style of relationship.  Using various exercises to Unlink survivor scenarios or Habitual Reaction Patterns in relationship you free yourself from the constraints of limiting beliefs, fears, and insecurities.

Additionally embracing your integrated spirit mind, and body connection opens the space for true  Inner Guidance.

3 key components differentiate how you can relate:  empathy, boundaries, and inner security.

  • Me-style, dependence, narcissism, incapacity of empathy, difficulty with boundaries, diffuse boundaries – can’t say NO, feels empty at core and needs completion.
  • I-style, independence, competition, chooses to not use empathy for fear of loss of self, difficulty with boundaries, rigid boundaries – can’t say YES, fears engulfment and needs distance, separation.
  • We-style, Interdependence, connection, and collaboration, openly empathic, flexible boundaries, feels solid, knows self so can say NO or YES as is appropriate for the relationship and situation.  Interdependent, maintains sense of self while also intimately and connected, chooses to focus on Unity and collaboration with a continued self-connection simultaneously.

These relationship styles’ different Boundaries:

TWO halves ( ) =1 co-dependence: ME

  • Me:  ( ) difficulty saying No; two halves make a whole

Two independent circles no overlap, I,  00= 2

  • I: 00 difficulty w/ Yes; walking side by side without integration

Two overlapping circles 1+1=3: WE, easy flexible boundaries, interdependent.

  • WE: o0o 1+1=3 interdependent, mutual, flexible, collaborative can say Yes and No.

Duality to Unity: Toward a Union of WE

  • Shifting Your Consciousness, Away from Defensive, competitive, narcissistic , Away from Balance sheet/ exchange patterns —>> Toward Listening fully, clarifying and receiving before speaking (for some this is a cultural snare), Toward Seeking understanding Rather than picking points to argue.  Toward connection rather than where you diverge, feel that first then balance divergence.

This groundbreaking book offers you insight, exercises, and reinforcing information so that you can incorporate into your style of relating the keys to a better, more fulfilled life through profoundly shifting how, with whom, and under what circumstances you partner.

You can find a deep sense of peace, joy, and strength through the understanding of what drives you and developing a centered, inner strength to shift your style of being in the world through neutralizing your insecurities and embracing your inner guidance.

You can find out more here.in  love and light, bg


front cover.me2we
dr beth gineris is the author of Turning NO to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness (2011) and Turning ME to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness (2013).  She endeavors to assist individuals in the process of upleveling their consciousness in everyday interactions to experience profound love, connection and care in their relationships and communities.  You can find her books on amazon.com and through her website.


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…content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete

Hello and welcome,

Mindfulness is a way of living, not just thinking.  When you allow your actions, thinking, and speaking to be in congruence with each other you are living in an integrated, mindful, being state.

This is faith guided by your heart center and supported by your mind.  This faith is not a religious ferver driven by fear, control, and urgency, but rather a calm inner knowing that is balanced, relaxed and guided by love, patience, and compassion.

The challenge with being congruent is to recognize where and how you are out of sync.  Malcolm Gladwell in his book Blink, the Power of Thinking without Thinking (2005), identifies the properties of discernment fully available to you, which you ignore.  These are messages from within of inconsistencies in speaking, thinking, and action.

Practicing mindfulness offers a simple way to recognize your personal incongruence and that of those with whom you interact.  You discover this when you listen with your inner third ear, and see with your inner third eye: these reference using your integrated internal sensory guidance system, your five senses plus intuition to see, hear, feel, and know the way (Turning ME to WE:  The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness, Gineris, 2013)

The Tao Te Ching attributed to Taoist thinker Lao Tzu, represents a guide to reorient your focus toward balance.

The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places that people disdain.
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don’t try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

— Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

This last phrase is the one that speaks to me, …content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete... it speaks to me in relation to the fight being started not by the first rock thrown but by the defensive action in return….this is supported through Buddhism and Christianity to not take offense, to turn the other cheek, and by Judaism to forgive.  This lack of comparison and competition is the fastest way to move out of Me, narcissism, through I, competition into the place of We, collaboration and connection so that all people have the power and freedom to uplevel consciousness and create a space for Peace in strength for all peoples.  This is a result of the undeniable power of truth.  Truth is.  It plumbs directly into you and through your integrated system.  It has the capacity to reveal hidden agendas and incongruent beliefs.  As you allow yourself to stand in the center of your being as simply yourself you will experience increased strength and resilience and a light, calm, loving attitude toward all your relations.  This aligns you and sets your course so that you are in sync in you actions, thinking, and speech.

join me in cheerfully being simply yourself without comparison and competition and notice the respect, love, and connection you experience in your every day interactions and life; in love and light, bg

Gladwell, Malcolm.  Blink:  The Power of Thinking without Thinking.  New York: Little, Brown and Company, 2005.

LaoTzu, Tao Te Ching.  Stephen Mitchell, trans.  New York:  Harper and Row, 1988.


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Practice the art of verbal Aikido

Hello

When I was a young Psychiatric Aide on a Locked Psychiatric unit in Albuquerque, New Mexico, I had a very good friend, also a Psychiatric Aide, who was a master at the practice of the Japanese Martial Art of Aikido.  He was superb at handling any physical attack, without injury to himself and with the least degree of injury to others.

Here is an example:

A young man who had stopped taking his antipsychotic medicine began to lose control of his thinking and behavior, his touch with reality was slipping away and he thought he was being attacked.  My friend asked him to go into the quiet room (a padded room that protects the individual from hurting himself and others when out of control).  The patient felt attacked by my gentle friend’s request, he became enraged and began to throw at my friend any thing that his hand touched – chairs, tables, lamps – my friend simply and easily shifted the energy of each piece of furniture and dropped it beside him, protecting the other patients and deflecting the negative energy, lightly and firmly moving toward the out of control young man.  His movements were gentle, clarified, and precise – lightly deflecting the energy while deftly responding to the needs of the entire room.  Once he entered the physical space of the out of control young man he quickly and without harm immobilized his flailing arms, and with kindness and gentleness he walked him to the quiet room.

His precision at shifting the energy of the flying furniture had the effect of de-escalating the damage in the situation to himself, the out of control patient, and the other patients.  It created a sense of calm and control that was soothing.  It brought everything to a neutral space so that injury was avoided.

The art of verbal Aikido is a metaphor for utilizing the same strategies in handling verbal attack.  The majority of miscommunication and arguments are a result of charged interpretation of other’s dialogue, where another person interprets your statements as barbs thrown and so reacts defensively, or vice versa.

Responding to another’s attack via mindfulness increases your neutrality and clarity in what underlies the negative communication.  Simply deflecting the negative statement and deflating the negative energy to shift the interaction.

Practicing the Art of Verbal Aikido has three steps:

  • First, deflect the negative tone, and tenor, by simply responding to the actual content with neutral responsive content.
  • Second, deflate the negativity by reiterating your intended meaning through clarification and compassionate interest in how your communication was interpreted.  Then clarify the intended meaning and take responsibility for not being more clear in your first communication.
  • Third, if the communication escalates, continue with steps 2, and 3, with a gentle, kind, precise and light manner – avoid sarcasm, condescension and a down-putting tone.

Then you are free to find a solution or agree to disagree without malice or charge.

You only have power over your own actions.  You cannot change another person’s attitude, position or behavior, you can only offer a space for another to shift his perspective on his own.  You have control over your own actions, behaviors and attitudes, responses.  If the other person chooses to find you offensive and react defensively, you have power to maintain your mindfulness.

The most mindful and loving response in a situation where another is angry is to not take on his anger, not react to it and join-in, on the negative interpretation, the fighting back or proving argumentative tone or attitude.

Create a visual image of yourself lightly deflecting the flying furniture and placing it on the ground; or an image of another’s charged words as sufficiently solid that you can observe yourself deflecting them or moving your energy so you are not hit by the negative barb in the words.  Think of a Jackie Chan movie, see yourself in slow motion deftly avoiding what is thrown your way, while simultaneously smiling and gently reaching out an olive branch toward connection and understanding.

This is the practice of verbal Aikido and it will increase the level of peace you experience in your relationships.

It is the most healing response to conflicting perspectives and offers a direct pathway to uplevel consciousness. in love and light,bg


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moving from narcissism and competition to collaboration and connection

Hello

When working with relationships one of the first necessary steps is to look at how the parties relate.

  •  Are they defensive and competitive?
  • Do they maintain a balance sheet of exchange patterns?
  • Do they spend time and energy listening to their partners point of view seeking to understand or waiting to find the flaw in the argument?

How parties relate gives you information about what is driving each person and what is the underlying foundation of the relationship.  Once you have a sense of this you can identify the underlying needs.  Evaluation of what is driving each individual results in n integrated picture of needs, exchange patterns, belief systems, paradigmatic structures, connections and relationship and security structures.

Narcissism and Competition in relationship are forms of relating that disallow inter-action and interdependence.  These are styles of relating that are part of a singular, need-focused structure.

Narcissism tends to be a ME form of relating and often results in a co-dependent relationship structure.  In this structure  the parties utilize an exchange pattern and the paradigmatic structure is you take care of me and me take care of you; each exchange is noted and weighted, and the parties require an equal exchange for each action of care.  Need underlies the tie to each other and there is a lack of independent action or thinking.  It may appear collaborative but in actuality the giving is highly conditional.  The insecurity in this type of relationship is that the other completes him and so abandonment is feared; there is a high degree of separation anxiety.  These partnerships require intense agreement on everything and do not respond well to independent thinking.  Intensity can be the marker of intimacy rather than a sense of trust and security.  From a financial perspective one party may have all the financial responsibility and the other party may have all the emotional responsibility.  The exchange is money for support.  In this style of relationship the two persons are halves to the one whole, there is no individuality, only couple.

Competition tends to be an I form of relating and often results in a pairing that is independent without inter-action or interdependence.  Each party is in a wholly enveloped structure.  There is no dependence or co-dependence, as you might see with a ME structure, but there is no inter-dependence either.  Each party stands on his or her own two feet.  It is as if the two people are walking side-by-side.  There is no integration or mixing of the two beings.  Fairness and rigid boundaries are the characteristics of this type of relationship.  There can be an exchange pattern balance sheet but this has more to do with winners of the competition and proof of being right rather than what each brings to the partnership.  The financial structure of this relationship is independent as well; each person pays his or her way and if there is a need for a money exchange it is set up via a contract or with some set of conditions and plan for pay back.  The emotional structure is equally self-contained.  In this style of relationship the two persons are two persons, there is no sense of we-ness or group only the two selves walking side by side.  Here the insecurity centers around avoiding dependence and connection as this is seen as a way to stay free from bondage.

Collaboration and connection are a third wave of partnership.  In this style of partnership the two parties have an interdependence and integration without a loss of individual selves.  In this style of relationship the two persons maintain a sense of self and have individual beliefs and experiences AND the two have an integrated participation with each other which is we.  In this style of partnering there is space for two Is and a We, interaction incorporates a tapestry of flexibility, a weaving that results in a rich experience of collaboration, connection and a sense of increase.  This WE style of relating offers enhancement of each party, without a loss of freedom. It is flexible, accepting, and inter-dependent.  The security is derived through a sense of support and connection without a loss individuality.  Conflict in this style of relating offers a way to work through issues to come to a higher level of understanding and connection to each other that incorporates each person’s core desires, needs and beliefs.  It is a function of negotiation rather than a compromise.  Financial and emotional structures are interrelated and integrated so that both parties are flexibly participatory, flowing easily in a responsive, dynamic fashion.

Once you have found your style you can begin to shift your attention in the relationship.  Embrace your fears and your insecurities and embark on a journey to move from narcissism and competition to collaboration and connection.

These styles of relating are developmental in nature, you are able to move through these various styles or structures through loving, attention to your own security and individual fear-based patterns.  Mindfulness is a useful focus of thinking to assist you and your partner to evaluate and transcend  your personal blockages in relationships.

Development of your personal sensory guidance system will be highly valuable in this process.

You can use these models to determine what kind of relationship structure you are in and then use mindfulness to uplevel your style of relating.

  • If you discover that you are in a Me oriented relationship turn your love toward yourself so that you can be the best partner to yourself first, this is a beginning step to moving to independence.
  • If you find you are in an I oriented relationship trust yourself and your partner to risk giving and receiving in an unconditional way.  Create a belief that being connected can be fulfilling rather than disheartening, this will open your heart to create a path of connection with your partner.

Mindful, loving, attention toward yourself and your partner opens the door for a shift in how you relate.  Namaste, beth