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Change your Attitude, Heal your Soul, Balance your Life. Uplevel YOUR consciousness. Find your way HOME through MAAPS.

Tag Archives: mind-body-spirit connection


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Anti-oxidant living: Choose a path that brings you joy, in every interaction

Hello and Welcome.

Anger, fear, discouragement, and insecurity have oxidative properties to your spirit, mind and body.  When you choose a path that brings you strength, empowerment, joy, and confidence you are creating anti-oxidant properties that regenerate your cells, your thinking power, and your spiritual health.

This is a natural outcome of mindfulness and mindful meditation, focused breathwork, and heart or breath-led yoga practice.

I have a neighbor who cannot let go of any perceived injury.  She plots and plans to get back at any individual who in her mind has ‘injured’ her.  These perceived injuries feel very painful to her.  Her face carries the look of a person who has been in battle for many years; deep furrows between her brows as if in a perpetual frown, loose skin that has deep furrows around her mouth make her look as if she is angry when she is at rest.  Strangely, or perhaps understandably because she is always looking for injury, she has difficulty with any service professional who comes into her home… either she feels they are cheating her or they overcharge her or they do not correctly complete every job assigned.  This spills off onto the constant negative, fearful energy of her constantly, fearfully barking tiny dog who seems to be in a constant panic attack.  This woman actually has a great deal of prosperity in her life which she appears to not receive any comfort from.  She owns her home and another rental (of course her tenants are always taking advantage of her from her perspective), has a good job and a nice retirement pension coming her way…. yet she is not happy – she is rich in things but poor in her sense of wealth and her style of relating in the world.

This is an example of how the oxidative energy of vengefulness, anger, and dissatisfaction are wearing away at her wellbeing.  She cannot experience the comfort she actually has, and her face and body show the signs of advanced aging so that she looks older than her years.  Even when she chooses to smile the anger and dissatisfaction comes through.

This kind of energy so close to my own home can be destabilizing.  It can spill off onto my space and my interactions.  The first step in dealing with such a being is to remember that defensiveness ties you into the negative path, so use the verbal aikido methods of deflection of the tone and negative behavior, deflation of the negative energy, and then definition of how you desire to act regardless of her actions.  This is choosing the path that brings you joy

Regardless of another’s choice you are free to choose your own way.  If another indeed is harming you or injuring you with his or her actions, taking a step to set it right is good.  Do so with a lack of vengefulness or anger in your ideation, intention, and action.  This will keep your cells vibrant, your face and voice and heart glowing and bring prosperity to you.  This is healthy living and results in vibrant health in your spirit,mind, and body.

If you have been drawn in to a difficult relationship.  Give yourself a chance to re-choose and to set your intention on this joyful path.

You can always choose a different path, a different response.
Consider this if you are feeling discouraged with previous choices which turned out less than well…
When are able to act in this loving responsible way, even saying you’re sorry when you make a mistake and resetting your plan, you teach your children to be resilient, flexible and truly responsible… and you build your own inner resilience.

Choose this anti-oxidant style of living in every interaction and you will see the positive results in your health and wealth… you may even be able to turn back the hands of time in how you are aging.  Namaste, in love and light, bg


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Poetic Experiences of Motherhood

Hello and Welcome.

In honor of Mother’s Day, I wanted to share two  poetic experiences of motherhood for me.

Max and Beautiful Alien (kate).  I am so lucky to understand the world of mother  through Birthing and Grafting to my family tree… These beings filling my mothering world with joy, challenge, and satisfaction.

Max

Secretly, I want to hold you here

Keep you right here with me

Never let you go.

I want this moment to be held in time.

This perfect moment,

When my dreams come true in a kaleidoscope of joy.

Waiting

my whole life Before I knew you,

Before I knew myself really;

I have been waiting this whole time to hear you call me MOM

And now this moment has happened.

This joy, so profound, I don’t want to let go.

I don’t want the next moment to come.

I want time —————– Suspended.

Perfection transforms into the mundane.

The miracle

creates a new world;

opens a reality that changes everything;

Creates it’s own time-suspension through transformation.

what was

no longer

is

Joy like an inner smile, constantly warming me, knows only the new world.

What we created transformed us both;

Birthed us each anew

to this perfect brave new world.

beth gineris

Beautiful Alien 

(kate mary sophia)

This being in my belly grows

She consumes my energy

Transforming each molecule into her growth

I am struck by her sheer, survivalistic nature

driven,

just taking what she needs to grow.

As for me I graciously give, in a protective, one-minded sort of way,

Through a deep feeling of care and maternalistic nature

Dissociating myself from my own needs in order to first meet hers.

Thank god for the chemicals in my brain that endear her to me

Without that, my body might dispose of her, interpret her a parasite…

Like a caterpillar engorging himself with each green life he touches

Building energy to transform

So does she devour whatever energy available, taking from my reserve if necessary

This process of development is deeply ingrained in my being

Stored in the center of each cell

Awakened by the first want of her

Never to be extinguished.

Her conception

Creates me as the chrysalis,

transforming not just one being but two.

I now understand the plight of the caterpillar driven forward

Toward his destiny of metamorphosis.

I too feel the hardening of the walls

The change looming

Until I am someone

Not previously here…

Forever changed into Mother

Never to be the other again.

beth gineris

What fun to mark mother’s day with remembrance of the power of caring, and the inter-transformational effect of mother and child….write a poem for yourself to mark the beauty of your relationship either with your mother or your child; this exercise can shift your perspective positively. In love and light, Namaste, bg


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Find balance, remove fight from your vocabulary, you are left with love, acceptance and negotiation…turning me to we

Hello and welcome!

Love, Acceptance, and Negotiation…turning Me 2 We… The idea is that fighting against yourself or others removes what is necessary to flow through challenging times.  The energy of fighting shifts you away from what you need, away from your sensory guidance system; removing fight from your vocabulary helps you to access precisely what you need when you need it, so that you can shift out of any painful situation to find peace, your soul-utions, and balance.

If the challenging situation is an addiction to substances, experiences, or people in an unhealthy way – then these actions help you to remain in recovery. 4 simple phrases to return you to balance and remain in recovery.  Recovery is a journey rather than a destination.

Step one is to find your way to balance.  Step two is returning to balance.  The Path to Grace is a journey that cycles between these two steps.  Listening to your sensory guidance system, led by your spirit connection.  Removing fight from your vocabulary and focusing on love, acceptance, and negotiation helps you return to balance and flow through any difficult situation.

Try these mantras to get you to and keep you on this Path to Grace.

Stop, look, and listen. It is the perfect mantra to create the neutral, present moment, open-minded perspective required for moving through roadblocks. Stop the harmful behavior; look at your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions, to discern what may be underneath your resistance; listen to you heart, tone, whole language to comprehend an underlying covert message.

The attitude of gratitude. Identify the gifts of your history, your drama, and your shift into recovery. Reaffirm your choice for health.  Focus on your strengths, reframe your limitations. The attitude of gratitude creates an inner structure of resilient positive self-esteem rooted in a solid foundation.

Focus on what you want rather than what you fear. This mindful mantra directs your attention to precisely where you have power. Things feared tend to be things unknown that are out of your control. An inner locus of control puts the resilience, power to create, and basic capacity to respond to whatever comes your way into your own hands, so that you believe, have faith and have evidence that you can create what you want.

Be the Change You Wish to See in the World. This is a phrase made famous by M. Gandhi. He was interested in major social change, but this phrase is just as useful in small social worlds. Act mindfully, show respect, be loving, and compassionate as a style of being in the world.  Live your change in every cell of your being, allowing breath, faith, forgiveness, and lovingkindness to direct your actions and personal relationships, beginning with your relationship with yourself.

Keeping these simple mantras close to your heart and mind will increase your capacity for mindfulness; it will increase your experience of compassion, harmony, and balance in living, and keep you on the recovery Path to Grace.

Namaste, in love and light, bg


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Two parables, Your life is what you make it.

Hello, yesterday this blog hit the number, 19000 hits.  I feel grateful to my friends and their friends who have come to check out what’s happening here.  Thank you all, in love and light, bg

So today I want to share about two proverbs.

One is Taoist:  Let Go or Be dragged.  

It is the way.  Life is dynamically changing.  Sometimes the time comes to shift a situation.  You see this often in relationship.  The relationship has come to a place where a shift is required for it to continue in a healthy manner, but the individuals don’t want to let go of the habitual way they had interacted.

Releasing each other from the habitual or routinized interaction allows for the two individuals to float up and flow with the wave of change, perhaps coming back together in a better more healthful fashion; perhaps moving away from each other and into a healthier relationship with themselves, leaving space to create a new relationship.

Holding on can result in a spinning inward of negativity that ultimately drags down the energy of the relationship until it implodes.  This is just one description of the proverb, but the idea is to go with the flow, allow the flow of the universe to guide you and to release yourself from holding on to something that does not serve you.

The other proverb is the donkey in the well fable.

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried and struggled to get out but the sides of the well were too deep and too smooth for the donkey to exit.   For hours the farmer tried to figure out what to do. He could not figure out a way to help the donkey escape.  Finally, thinking the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway.  Rather than retrieve the donkey he decided to cover up the donkey and fill the well with dirt.

 At first, when the donkey realized what was happening he cried horribly. Then, he quieted down and let out some happy brays. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well to see what was happening and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was shaking it off and taking a step up.

As the farmer continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, the donkey continued to shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

The moral to the fable is this: Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick to getting out of the hole you are in is to shake it off and take a step up. Every adversity can be turned into a stepping stone. The way to get out of the deepest well is by never giving up but by shaking yourself off, and taking a step up.  To do this you need to change your inner perspective, your inner attitude, your interpretation of what is and what is not.  This allows you to see your situation from a differently and allows you to find solutions and take actions that help yourself.

More than anything in life, what happens to you isn’t what matters,

What matters is how you choose to respond to what happens to you.

Your life is what you make it.  Your paradigm defines what you see and what power you perceive you have, even what power you perceive others have over you.  The donkey could have lived (and died) in the paradigm he began with in his journey into the well; but in the fable he used his observation skills and thinking to shift his perspective and paradigm to change his circumstances by using the tools given to him – the rising dirt.

Both of these parables can be interpreted in a physical way, but they are equally as applicable to psycho-emotional and spiritual circumstances that require a shift in perspective.

In the donkey circumstance the shift from victim to thriver, creating his own way to safety was a physical, psycho-emotional and spiritual shift.  This is also true when faced with a circumstance where let go or be dragged applies.

Own your life.

Wake each day renewed in your belief in your self, belief in the world around you and in the people in your life that matter.  In this way you can be centered in your attention your unexpected and habitual experiences that require a shift.

Recognize that letting go is sometimes the most loving thing you can do even if the other is unaware of the gift.

And hold true to your inner strength even when those you believe in have let you down.

Thrive.

Model thriving.  Have your thriving rub off on those around you so that the world around you, and the people around you can all shift perspective in unison to walk out of the well they have fallen into.

With deep gratitude to you, in love and light, bg


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12.21.12 renewal and transformation, Taoism, and the Avatamsaka-sutra

Hello dear friends.

I have been doing some research on Taoist principles for  a new book and I have found some amazing, powerfully enlightening information.

Taoism perceives that the originators of civilization itself are people of higher knowledge attained through extradimensional awareness … all successful original cultures are initiated and guided by people in contact with the Tao or Universal law.  Thomas Cleary

It is Cleary’s contention that from this Taoist vision, “Taoism is not, as usually thought, a product of Chinese civilization.  Rather it is the other way about – Chinese civilization was originally the product of Taoism in the sense that like all successful original cultures it was initiated and guided by people in contact with the Tao or universal law.“(The Book of Balance and Harmony, Cleary, 1989)  What a powerful concept and a perfect focus for renewal and transformation.

Thomas Cleary in his book of the translation of The Book of Balance and Harmony (1989) identifies that the Taoist movement called the Complete Reality movement was created to distinguish a practical understanding of Taoism as it had been lost over time.  Cleary writes that ” ironically, one of the most comprehensive descriptions of Taoism … can be found in a Buddhist text, the Avatamsaka-sutra or Flower Ornament Scripture,” which he said is “held to contain the totality of all religion:”

        The various methods and techniques of the enlightened adept to worldly conditions in order to liberate people.  The enlightened provoke deep faith by being in the world yet unaffected by it, just as the lotus grows in water yet water does not adhere to the lotus. 

     With extraordinary thoughts and profound talent, as cultural leaders, like magicians the enlightened manifest all the various arts and crafts of  the world, like song and dance, and conversation admired by the people.

      Some become grandees, city elders; some become merchants, caravan leaders.  Some become physicians and scientists, some become kings and officials…..   All-sided goodness abides by reality, not in a country.  Cleary, The Flower Ornament Scripture

What I love about this is how it gives a prescription for how to live in these times.

It is about how to trust your inner knowing, your internal guidance sensory system and connect to a higher wisdom and light so that you can identify and act from a universal law or truth rather than propaganda or third dimensional pulls toward power over others to feel successful.

The ebb and flow of nature and the return to balance is the way.  Living in that way, guiding your actions to be in connection to that is the highest form of instinctive medicine, balance, and harmony.

Focus on what is and the light allows that to be what is produced  or created, rather than a disconnection from self, an embracement  of self in harmony.

  • One way to find your way back to balance is to pay attention to where you feel discomfort and that can give you a clue to where you are out of balance.
  • You may also  feel, hear as another speaks or the world shifts to attend to a lack of congruence or harmony.  This is the best way to avoid following propaganda rather than the truth.

Trusting yourself, your internal sensory guidance system includes intuition and connection to extradimensional experience through mediation, visualization, and dreamwork.

Let love and your heart center be your primary, strongest guide.  Through this pathway you may find renewal and transformation in this new time of higher light and higher consciousness.in love and light bg


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3 steps to forgiveness

Hello and welcome

Forgiveness is required to release anger and move through any difficult situation.  The energy of forgiveness comes from a balanced mindful perspective that is  heart centered.  Practicing mindfulness increases your openness and your awareness allowing your mind to hear the calling of your heart.

When you are stuck in your thinking process you may find that you get into a loop about the different aspects of a problem or conflict.  This loop is driven by the left brain analytical aspect of your brain.  The right brain aspect of your brain receives information in wholes, it gets imprints of information – spirit mind and body integrated.

Both aspects of your brain are beneficial in sorting through problems.  The left brain, verbal and analytical aspect that separates and evaluates in a more tangible fashion is necessary for movement through complex problems and conflicts.  It gets to the figure issue of the problem.  The Right brain, image, whole, and energy evaluator is necessary for getting to the background and interconnections that can allow for transition or transformation.

The key is to allow for your understanding, empathy, and big picture connection to inform your analytical specificity evaluator.  This directs you to see through a mindful,  compassionate, integrated perspective so that you can release the  dualistic right/wrong style of consciousness.  This shifts the power of the injury or anger and helps you align with your internal sensory guidance system.

Three steps move you through to forgiveness.

  1. Allow the fullness of the pain and injury, anger and trauma to be experienced.  Do not skip to forgiveness, feel the pain.  Do not stuff down the pain or the shock.  This release is important and necessary.   Make this a finite thing, not something that goes on and on or becomes a way of life.  Utilize writing, talking, and creative artistic measures to get to the injury and clarify your experience.  Note what verbal and cognitive equations that begin to develop, ie:  a sense that you will never trust again, never love again, never have another child, never go through this again.  This will give you a clue as to what habit reaction pattern you may be setting up and a direction about what you need to forgive.  the issue is usually very subtle, not the whole injury just some piece that shocked your system.
  2. Create a space to dialogue (if this is possible) with the injurer.  Identify how you participated in the conflict so that you can shift yourself and your action in the future.  Look at the situation from a larger view and from the perspective of the other person – notice if he was operating under a different paradigm than you and if you can shift the misunderstanding through dialogue or negotiation.  If the injury is without another side or perspective look for what good, light, beautiful outcomes came out of the situation; this is most difficult when there is a loss of someone you love through no fault of your own or his.  Still focus on the light will help to move you through to forgiveness and the uplevel your consciousness.  This is where allowing your heart to lead and connecting with your right brain imprint, memories, and wholes to help you to have access to the light.  you can do this through creative maneuvers, painting, drawing, music, building – these are all powerful tools to get to your inner healing and inner knowing.
  3. Set a time to let go of the injury.  Also use this third step to identify a holistic,. balanced picture of you without the injury and moving joyously through life.  Do this is a concrete way.  You can use writing or a picture.  Take the information in a tangible form and release it through burning it.  Do this in a safe and contained way.  Then allow yourself to take the created future that you identified and burn that into existence.  You may find you want to create a structure or an image of what you are releasing and what you are bringing in to remind you to remain in forgiveness.  You can use these a cues to remind you to live in the now and the light.

Forgiveness is essential for health.  Holding onto an injury distorts your perspective, skews the energy in your integrated spirit, mind, body field and can over time create stagnation, disruption and disease.  Letting go, releasing the injury or anger and incorporating a higher consciousness understanding regarding the situation heals and rights your imbalance.  This can reset your energy field so that you promote health rather than stagnation and misdirection.

Joy.  Light. Love.  These are the tools of your heart and lead the way to uplevel your consciousness, integrate you spirit, mind, and body and through these tools you can change the world around you through changing the world within you. in love and light, bg


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Heart centered listening

Hello and Welcome!

One of my dear friends has been teaching channeling for over 25 years, Betsy-Morgan at askbetsymorgan.com.  She is remarkable in her focus and lovingkindness.  Channeling is a challenging concept.  My friend Elene Gusch, DOM has been writing about her powerful experiences in this arena for many years, elenedom.wordpress.com.  What is challenging about the idea of channeling is that it requires a fourth or fifth dimensional consciousness to fully embrace and conceptualize but we live in a three-dimensional world.  Seeing in 4-D.  This makes it so that you must have faith in what you experience if you are receiving a channeling and you must have faith in the channel if you are a listener or reader of this information.  Fourth dimensional understanding incorporates the idea that time is a relative or transitional concept this is further extended in fifth dimensional understanding.  My favorite popularization of fifth dimensional seeing is in the Men in Black 3 movie, MIB 3, 2012, in it there is a character Griffin who is a fifth dimensional being and he has the ability to see the multitude of possibilities of lifetimes that are in existence at any moment.  It is well written and does a nice job of exemplifying the fifth dimensional concept of choice, interconnections, and phenomenology.  And he focuses on truth being of the utmost importance, inner truth including intent and connection. Perception of Time and Mindfulness.

When an individual channels or receives a channeled interpretation that information is a truth, it is a possible outcome to a set of circumstances with which the person is dealing.  It is not the only outcome although there is a statistic component to how the information is interpreted.

The way through is through love and your internal centeredness in your heart.  This fits perfectly with all the various spiritual traditions that love is the way to truth, and access to this is through your heart.  Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.  Joseph Campbell.

Returning again and again to your intuition, your heart center, your breath with serve you superbly well to find you way in the world.  Even if you do not begin to receive channeled information from another spiritual source you will be guided by your heart knowing as to your best action.

just listen, by beth gineris

We are given these senses, Which we ignore.

We cringe upon meeting another, Feeling something negative in their field,

Rather than listening, We become friends,  Only to be deceived, and hurt.

We have these senses, Instinctive,

To assist us on our journey through life, Cueing and guiding us.

Yet we ignore, Using override, our analytical emotional Mind, to direct us.

Our mind errs, tricked by stories, Through habit and automation,

Through the lens of our historical experiences, our indoctrination.

Our senses are true,  Instinctive.

These six senses,  Our earliest tools, before language,Guide us through sensations that are connected to knowings.

Denying their guidance

Blocks our capacity, Blocks our ease in movement, through the minefield of life.

Listen – Feel – Be – Know.

Allow your internal sensory system to guide you,  and you, will know bliss.

Mind is always looking for the conflict, the argument,

The proof.  The condemnation.

Our senses just report,

Neutral, real, unsullied information, Guidance, go here not there, turn left, look.

It’s all right there, At the beginning,   In the first meeting,

The first, interaction.  The first blink of your eye, The entire story presented,  Moral, and all.

Don’t look for proof

Accept and act. Let your heart lead.  Your heart knows. Return to your inner guide. Your heart knows, hears the notes, Perfect and true.

Let your mind follow your heart-knowing.  The instinct that aligns us to spirit  Connects us to the symphony of life.

Use your mind to create what your heart wants.

You will hear your song melodious.  Toning in perfect pitch,

Humming through you,  Vibrating pure joy.  copyright, all rights reserved, no copy without permission from bgineris, 2012

Inner Sight Revealed, by beth gineris

Signposts of solace, Within the massive chaos of inner sight. Bombarding visions and feel-knowings at once.

Self lost, Understanding short-circuited, Caught like a doe in the headlights of an oncoming car,  Frozen,  Fear rising, interrupting discernment.

Distant image of streams layered,  Streams of knowings,  Streams of consciousness.  Layers at once, jam the transmission,   The information garbled and incoherent.

Focus on the flow,  Ocean currents in opposite directions,  Layered but distinct,  Distinguishing tenor, energy, quality.   Each descriptive system whole,  Connected within space-time,  Separated but Equal.

Breath and allowing are the friends to sight.  Fear, and holding, inner sight’s enemy.  Swimming through,  Balancing,  Viewing from within.  Clarifying with subtle refinement.  Perception of distinct boundaries in each layer,  Each stream of consciousness.

Discernment, clear sight revealed,  Requires subtleness,  Light handedness.  Rising sheers define the boundaries.  Lightly drilling in to each,  Gathering definition, and information.  Seeing many at once,  Gently bringing into the fore, one stream,  Allowing it to recede, while another advances.  Lightly Receiving.  Accepting the shift without a need to name or push it.

Inner sight is instinctive,  Whole,  Available to anyone, who allows.  Bounded between each stream,  And between the seer and the stream,  Centered source illumination.  copyright, all rights reserved, no copy without permission from bgineris, 2012

Go into your heart, feel love, apply love to whatever situation with which you are struggling and your truth, your answer, will present itself in a quiet clear voice, listen with your heart and then apply your mind to create what your heart hears… Namaste, bg


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seeing miracles, creating healing

If you want to find the secrets of the universe think in terms of energy, frequency, and vibration – Nikola Tesla

Hello friends

The miracle of healing is at your fingertips.  It is simply a matter of seeing, listening and responding to your senses, energy, frequency and vibration.

I see immediate and complete transformation in my practice, relationships, and life every day!

The corresponding elements that allow for this are a matter of knowing, belief, and sight.  It is through this knowing belief and seeing that the miracle presents itself.  It is greater than a course in miracles.  It is an instantaneous truth seen through your eyes when you are completely connected to your sensory guidance system and the healing knowledge of sight and action.

Your sight must be aligned with the frequency, energy, and vibration of health, light, and spiritual knowing.  From this wavelength and universe all things are possible.

This allows for the immediate perception of a miracle.

Three steps will help you to see the miracle.

  • First, use your inner sight connected to your inner knowing.  So that you are open to how the fabric of your life can shift to create, offer the miracle – this results in seeing the miracle.
  • Second, accept that choice is the ultimate foundation for each soul on the planet.  And you do not have the power to change another person’s choice for his or her life.
  • Third, see the miracle in each event…even when your first reaction is to say that no miracle exists.  Pay attention to the energy of the event and within you the intensity of your reaction.  Vibration and frequency are also useful in assisting you to discern the message therein… once you have aligned yourself with the miracle you can bring forth a healing either in spirit, cognition/thinking or the body/physically.

The universe is always offering a gift to move you toward your soul’s path.  How –  that is true is the tricky part.  Seeing the miracle requires integrating spirit, mind, and body knowings as well as energy, frequency, and vibration.  Use paradigm shifting through compassionate sight and inversions to see the balance in the universe.  Use a long, broad view to understand what the universe is presenting as a miracle.

A fourth step helps to align with the miracle and integrate the lesson.

  • Embrace even those events that are painful and look for the healing lesson within – you will know when you have found that lesson when you find yourself, smiling, looking lovingly on another or a new perception of the event, and feeling a release of anger and fear.

Miracles are the norm in your life…. as you train your internal dialogue and sight to attend to your sensory guidance system you will experience them in every step of your life.  The natural outcome to this state is love, peace, upleveling consciousness, collaboration, acceptance, and success in all of your endeavors.

This is a quantum shift in experience and knowing; a quantum shift in energy, frequency and vibration.  Once you allow yourself to see differently you will act and be different, immediately, in a quantum and whole way.  Paradigm recognition, shifting,integration and creation in the moment.  in love and light, bg


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moving from narcissism and competition to collaboration and connection

Hello

When working with relationships one of the first necessary steps is to look at how the parties relate.

  •  Are they defensive and competitive?
  • Do they maintain a balance sheet of exchange patterns?
  • Do they spend time and energy listening to their partners point of view seeking to understand or waiting to find the flaw in the argument?

How parties relate gives you information about what is driving each person and what is the underlying foundation of the relationship.  Once you have a sense of this you can identify the underlying needs.  Evaluation of what is driving each individual results in n integrated picture of needs, exchange patterns, belief systems, paradigmatic structures, connections and relationship and security structures.

Narcissism and Competition in relationship are forms of relating that disallow inter-action and interdependence.  These are styles of relating that are part of a singular, need-focused structure.

Narcissism tends to be a ME form of relating and often results in a co-dependent relationship structure.  In this structure  the parties utilize an exchange pattern and the paradigmatic structure is you take care of me and me take care of you; each exchange is noted and weighted, and the parties require an equal exchange for each action of care.  Need underlies the tie to each other and there is a lack of independent action or thinking.  It may appear collaborative but in actuality the giving is highly conditional.  The insecurity in this type of relationship is that the other completes him and so abandonment is feared; there is a high degree of separation anxiety.  These partnerships require intense agreement on everything and do not respond well to independent thinking.  Intensity can be the marker of intimacy rather than a sense of trust and security.  From a financial perspective one party may have all the financial responsibility and the other party may have all the emotional responsibility.  The exchange is money for support.  In this style of relationship the two persons are halves to the one whole, there is no individuality, only couple.

Competition tends to be an I form of relating and often results in a pairing that is independent without inter-action or interdependence.  Each party is in a wholly enveloped structure.  There is no dependence or co-dependence, as you might see with a ME structure, but there is no inter-dependence either.  Each party stands on his or her own two feet.  It is as if the two people are walking side-by-side.  There is no integration or mixing of the two beings.  Fairness and rigid boundaries are the characteristics of this type of relationship.  There can be an exchange pattern balance sheet but this has more to do with winners of the competition and proof of being right rather than what each brings to the partnership.  The financial structure of this relationship is independent as well; each person pays his or her way and if there is a need for a money exchange it is set up via a contract or with some set of conditions and plan for pay back.  The emotional structure is equally self-contained.  In this style of relationship the two persons are two persons, there is no sense of we-ness or group only the two selves walking side by side.  Here the insecurity centers around avoiding dependence and connection as this is seen as a way to stay free from bondage.

Collaboration and connection are a third wave of partnership.  In this style of partnership the two parties have an interdependence and integration without a loss of individual selves.  In this style of relationship the two persons maintain a sense of self and have individual beliefs and experiences AND the two have an integrated participation with each other which is we.  In this style of partnering there is space for two Is and a We, interaction incorporates a tapestry of flexibility, a weaving that results in a rich experience of collaboration, connection and a sense of increase.  This WE style of relating offers enhancement of each party, without a loss of freedom. It is flexible, accepting, and inter-dependent.  The security is derived through a sense of support and connection without a loss individuality.  Conflict in this style of relating offers a way to work through issues to come to a higher level of understanding and connection to each other that incorporates each person’s core desires, needs and beliefs.  It is a function of negotiation rather than a compromise.  Financial and emotional structures are interrelated and integrated so that both parties are flexibly participatory, flowing easily in a responsive, dynamic fashion.

Once you have found your style you can begin to shift your attention in the relationship.  Embrace your fears and your insecurities and embark on a journey to move from narcissism and competition to collaboration and connection.

These styles of relating are developmental in nature, you are able to move through these various styles or structures through loving, attention to your own security and individual fear-based patterns.  Mindfulness is a useful focus of thinking to assist you and your partner to evaluate and transcend  your personal blockages in relationships.

Development of your personal sensory guidance system will be highly valuable in this process.

You can use these models to determine what kind of relationship structure you are in and then use mindfulness to uplevel your style of relating.

  • If you discover that you are in a Me oriented relationship turn your love toward yourself so that you can be the best partner to yourself first, this is a beginning step to moving to independence.
  • If you find you are in an I oriented relationship trust yourself and your partner to risk giving and receiving in an unconditional way.  Create a belief that being connected can be fulfilling rather than disheartening, this will open your heart to create a path of connection with your partner.

Mindful, loving, attention toward yourself and your partner opens the door for a shift in how you relate.  Namaste, beth


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Covey’s Win-Win or No Deal, and a word about psychopaths

Greetings !

I just returned from an amazing event that offered an elevated example of how groups can indeed find agreement and harmony through a concerted effort to focus energies on the thread of connecting and similar thought and a commitment to upleveling consciousness.

The focus of seeing where there is agreement and to honor a partnership of love, offered a perfect starting point for compassionate mindfulness.  Several politically and culturally diverse groups came together in harmony without the need to compete, push their agenda or malign the others.  I  observed individuals who typically lived in a way that required them to push their ‘rightness’ shift and search for a way to meaningfully connect and open to the ways in which others were ‘right’ too, or at least where there was agreement in broad terms.  Through this openness there was a transformation and increase in consciousness and light that vibrated at a higher frequency; a stable threshold opened for 48 hours creating an environment that was indeed a bit like the description at the end of the Celestine Prophecy (Redfield 1993) wherein the protagonist simply vibrated into a different dimension or the Star Trek Next Generation episode where the doctor’s friend simply evolved in front of her eyes into pure light energy.  It was amazing.

I left considering the implications of such an evolution of consciousness toward the concept of one world.  I visualized and fantasized about how this could be a view into what was to come in the new generation, an evolution of spiritual and cognitive consciousness for the embracement or inclusion of all of humanity and the planet.

Mindfulness, compassion, paradigm shifting and sincere, open-minded interest and focus on looking for a way to truly create a consensus that is driven by love and understanding is the most effective way to create success in partnerships – to truly embrace the space of “we”.

I observed something else which I had not anticipated.  There are those who cannot do this.  There are individuals who use mindfulness, and the words of compassion or understanding as a manipulation to trick others into vulnerability.  This was something I had previously understood was a reality, but had not considered in my writings on the application of mindfulness.

As a therapist I would use the term psychopathic to describe this kind of behavior.  A psychopath is an individual who is devoid of a conscience.  He or she manipulates the chosen target against him or herself.  The psychopath has no real internal experience of guilt or shame, but manipulates the normal aspect of guilt in others to manipulate them to act in ways that suit the needs of the psychopath.  An individual with this style of relating in the world can shift their exterior behavior, continence, tone, and words to appear as if he or she is something he or she is not.  This type of personality structure does not have the interior strength or flexibility to evolve his or her consciousness and so simply observes and imitates without a real or true internal shift.

When considering mindfulness and its application toward parenting or partnering you must be able to discern when you are dealing with a psychopath.  When this is the case it is best to follow the words of Stephen Covey in his book The  7 Habits of Highly Effective People:  win-win or no deal(Covey, 1989).  This is to say when you are interacting with a psychopath the habit of mindfulness and focusing on where you agree and the concept of win-win is unattainable as a psychopath is unable to move into a true “we” relationship.  A psychopath is “I” only and therefore unable to negotiate in an honest and fair fashion.

Covey wrote when you cannot find a place of win-win then it is most effective to choose no-deal(Covey, 1989).  This is to say using mindfulness can assist you to discern what another wants and seek to understand the other but when you are interacting with a psychopath once you understand the other is unable to create a win-win (a negotiated perspective that includes both parties needs/wants) you are best to choose no-deal.  This no-deal concept can look like a termination of the relationship or in the case of someone with whom you must continue to interact (like a divorced parent of your child) it can look like an acceptance that there can be no “we” so negotiation is from an “I” to “I” experience, where you seek to simply create what is most effective for you and any other party involved ( like your child) but not get into a discussion of an integrated “we” with the psychopathic personality.

Once you have discerned you are dealing with a psychopath you must take care to not let him or her “play” on your emotional fears, concerns, or feelings of guilt to manipulate you toward his or her goals.  This is a different form of mindfulness it utilizes compassion and understanding so that the actions, words, and behaviors you choose are without malice, but they incorporate the full and complete understanding of the other person’s true lack of capacity for “we”.

Here are a few simple guideposts to assist you in discerning if you are interacting with a psychopath:

  • He or she acts dramatically different in specific situations.
  • He or she has a chameleon quality and can take on a persona that is expected to be accepted.
  • He or she utilizes your feelings of guilt or desire to be kind, helpful and the bigger person to get you to forgive him or her and give him or her another chance.
  • When a third-party is involved in mediation or evaluation, he or she is able to manipulate the third-party to agree with him or her against you – even once you have shared your concerns.
  • He or she never takes true responsibility for any negative behavior inflicted upon you and deflects such to some element of you.
  • He or she changes his or her continence to get his or her way including mimicking words and emotional behavior .

Finally, it is important to use your internal guidance system, your neutral, mindful, observation powers to discern whether you are interacting with someone who is honestly and sincerely communicating with you.  Notice whether his or her actions, behavior, and words are in congruence.

Pay closest attention to the subtle, small things as this is where the psychopath’s true consciousness and intentions will be shown.

I can feel that the energy of how partnership and collaboration is evolving.  It is moving toward a higher degree of spiritual oneness.  As this shift continues to develop focus your energy on interactions that will be fruitful, loving, and increase the value of your world. Give yourself permission to use your mindfulness to discern the capacity for partnership and focus your energies on those who are also working toward the thread of compassion and love and “we”ness.

Having had this moment of perfection over this last weekend my heart is on fire with the joy that awaits in our near future as a community of “we” on this amazing planet.  It starts with each one of us, love, compassion, open-minded neutral mindfulness, and focused attention toward harmony and balance. in love and light Namaste, beth