InstinctiveHealthParenting4U

Change your Attitude, Heal your Soul, Balance your Life. Uplevel YOUR consciousness. Find your way HOME through MAAPS.

Tag Archives: change


by 1 Comment

trust yourself, or If you meet the buddha on the road kill him!

Hello and welcome

Trusting yourself is not only believing in yourself it is also listening to your intuition and sense impressions and acting with a sense of internal power.  A common way you diminish self-trust is when you dismiss your inner knowing and listen to another’s interpretation to get approval.  This is a risk in any student role.

In therapy, there is a saying that if you say I already worked that out or I already resolved that conflict you are possibly tricking yourself.  It’s a sign of resistance, especially when said adamantly or defensively.

The key is to discern if your resistance to an interpretation is due to a true inner sense of truth or a deflection of the truth.

  • pay attention to your own  charge (degree of intensity) regarding the issue, and level of repulsion to the idea
  • –> if you speak reactively, in an adamant, dismissive style it is likely that you are hiding the truth
  • –> if you are responding in a neutral style regarding how it just doesn’t feel right and you evaluate the information, then the other may be projecting onto you something through her interpretation.
  • listen in an interested, curious, unattached, mindful way to your teacher’s guidance
  • pay attention to his or her congruence in speech, action, and countenance
  • Be careful to not give away your power due to the other’s reputation or standing in a group – in other words don’t make your teacher into a guru – we are all walking through life with lessons to learn – when you give your power away to a guru, you interrupt your own energy flow toward your own lessons, gifts and path

I wrote a bit about this last year in this post https://instinctivehealthmedicine.com/2012/04/09/truth-within-inner-guidance-i/.  I was reminded of this thesis over the weekend while attending an intensive Yoga workshop.  Many of the participants were my teachers, whom I respect deeply.  I love Yoga, and although I am a Yoga-neophite, I had decided the best way to learn was to stretch-myself  (no pun intended) and do my best.  The focus of the first day was to work on inversions and transitions between poses; focusing on the importance of transitioning into a pose not just the pose itself.  I loved the idea behind it as it allowed for seeing the divine in the space between, something I am drawn to experience daily.  I was grateful to pair up with my favorite teachers and found that my willingness to let go, play with the work, and surrender led me to a powerful shift in my practice.

On the second day, the focus of the work was to elucidate how, when, and where you feel blocked in a yoga pose, to surrender to the block, and allow a break-through. The poses that were being utilized to enlighten each of us were bent inversions so that arching, opening the heart chakra and pelvic space and lengthening the spine were paramount.  Flexibility in your hips and shoulders are  important to get a good back-bend; they are also the spaces in your body where you collect and hold hidden trauma both physical and emotional.  This style of workshop offered a perfect opportunity to work-through an energy-holding leftover from earlier traumas, as long as the guest teacher could also provide a set of tools and a trusting space fo release.

Our guest teacher identified at the beginning of the workshop that she had not previously taught this particular workshop and stated in her opening mantra that it was important to not interfere with another’s lesson by showing them how to work through their blocks.  Her remarks were incongruent with the presentation she provided on her website and the description of the class goals.  As I sat preparing to risk and surrender to the lesson, two things stood out in my sense impressions: one, she was in a position of guide, yet identified at the onset that she was against guiding through blocks; and two, although she had an excellent reputation, this class was unexplored territory.

We worked through many different exercises to open shoulders and hips – paramount for backbends.  The pace was quick and often we broke up into dyad partners to work on our assignments.  This increased the opportunity for intimacy yet reduced a chance for clarification and guidance from the guest teacher.  We felt at times like the blind leading the blind.

After much headstand and handstand practice, the guest teacher decided to use me as an example of how to assist your partner through what my gymnast-daughter calls a ticktock, and in Yoga is called Scorpion Vchikasana.  For non-yogis it’s a handstand and then with great control you bend your legs over your head so your feet touch your crown.  scorpion pose, silhouette

This is a pretty awesome and advanced Yoga position.

I was excited to experience what it felt like to get into the position; I knew that once there I could create a body memory so that when I practiced on my own I could correct it with clarity.  I enthusiastically kicked up into a bent arm handstand, anticipating her to catch my leg and move me over into the bent inversion.  Instead I heard a laugh among the participants as she grabbed it forcefully and rotated it inward, this jarring maneuver caused me to lose my focus and I fell right back down.  My enthusiasm dropped.  She said kick up again. I did, albeit more cautiously this time.  Hopefully, I waited for her to gently move me over into a backbend, she did not, I held until I couldn’t any longer, fell down and kicked up again, waited, kicked up again, attempting on my own to shift the weight of my hips over my chest, and  feeling a bit confused I fell back down.  She said kick up again, come on.  I stopped and looked up at her.  I was confused as to why she was not demonstrating moving me over into the backbend.  She looked at me and said what’s ging on?  What are you feeling?  I said I feel weak.  She said well you are stopping yourself and referenced the cause as my inner negative dialogue.  She said do it again.  I dutifully reset myself and I slowly and perseveringly moved my leg up into a handstand: first one leg and then drawing my other leg to the handstand trying to stack my hips over my ribcage, still expecting her to assist moving me into position, I kept waiting for her to gently move me up into position and then stand in front to move me into the scorpion position….but nothing….dead space, my arms and legs over-worked…I came back down onto my mat, flat.

She moved away to the front of class, never having actually demonstrated moving me into position, and then looked back at me sideways and said, you are strong enough to do it, you are fighting yourself, you need to change your inner dialogue.

I felt a familiar conglomeration of disappointment, vulnerability, defeat, and confusion.  Somehow I had been triggered.  I felt a combination of having been tricked by her and an inability to stand up for myself and realign internally with my strength. How had I given my power to this guest teacher? I felt shamed by her in front of the class.

This was a powerful moment for me to deduce the etiology of my holding and my fear.

I had not heard any negative self-talk. I searched inside myself, what am I hiding from myself? What I noticed was a defense mechanism of holding and protection that increased the more I interacted with this guest teacher.  What was that about? .  In my head I was trying to make sense of what had happened and what to do next.  Was she doing this on purpose to help me move through my block or was her action more sadistic and so recreating an earlier trauma that my personal intention for the class posed as an opportunity for release?

After reflection, and discussion with other students in the class, some of whom were new to me,  my concerns about the negativity of the situation from the guest teacher were corroborated.  Their observations were consistent with what I observed and felt.  Her actions exacerbated my hold and blocking rather than assisted me to move through the physical block.  This is the opposite of how the workshop was billed.  I had a funny feeling from her, as if she was not really there, not really centered on the role of being a facilitator but rather focused on being an exhibitionist. Although some of my teacher-friends really liked her others later identified a similar set of concerns.

My holding was indeed an aspect of my trusting myself; my body clearly ‘heard’ that this teacher was not trustworthy, so surrender was unsafe at that time -> this was the me fighting myself –> I was trying and I was stopping myself.  My mind was directing the trying and my body was directing the stopping.  My ‘block’ or resistance was a holding within my body in response to her passive hostility.  This holding did not develop in response to her.  It pre-dated the workshop as a survival mechanism from previous trauma; it was indeed the thing I took to the workshop to work-through.

This guest yoga teacher had designed a class to learn how to work-through holding and physical blocks without understanding a fundamental component needed to complete the task; to surrender and allow – Trust is required. In order for a teacher to encourage a shift in holding within her student her presentation has to include a lack of aggressivity, and a consciousness of beneficence; she need not be a cheerleader but rather have an unattached spirit of generosity. This renowned guest yoga teacher gave mixed messages though her words and actions which created a lack of trust needed, thus she had set up a class wherein re-traumatization could and would occur.

The choice to shift and uplevel lies solely in the power of the individual.  Trusting yourself, surrendering to your truth includes paying attention to when resistance is beneficial and a positive communication from your personal sensory guidance system.  Timing to uplevel matters, allow it to be guided from within(yourself), rather than without (another).

Sheldon Kopp wrote:  No meaning that comes from outside of ourselves is real.  The Buddhahood of each of us has already been obtained.  We need only recognize it – Thus the Zen Master warns his disciple:  – If you meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill him! (Kopp, 1976).

Creating a guru of another limits your and his power so that neither of you are allowed to uplevel into your most conscious selves.  Namaste, in love and light, bg

Kopp, Sheldon, If you meet the Buddha on the Road,Kill Him. Bantam Books:  New york, New York:  1976.


by 1 Comment

11. T’ai, Peace, I ching: as a Guiding Source of Turning Me to We

Peace comes from receptivity driving creativity – mind following heart:

11.T’ai. Peace, I Ching.

K’un(receptive) above, ch’ien creative) below

…Great approaches. Good fortune. Success.The image:  Heaven and earth unite:  the image of PEACE. Thus the ruler divides and completes the course of heaven and earth; he furthers and regulates the gifts of heaven and earth, and so aids the people.  Wilhelm/Baynes, 3rd edition (1959, 1967, 1971)

The concept of heart guiding focus is a part of mindfulness, Taoism, Buddhism, and Christianity.  The implication of the treatise to do the right thing as guided by god is a part of the Jewish, Islamic and Hindu traditions.  The threads of rightness as proclaimed from the unification of earth and heaven, human and spirit, with the guidance of rightness from ones heart (spirit) rather than ones mind allows for ‘peace on earth as it is in heaven’.

Cues to the many threads of agreement are found throughout religious and spiritual texts if your willingness to look for agreement (collaboration and connection) overrides your desire to be right (competition and narcissism).

In order for Peace to be the defining force among humans, the consciousness of rightness must shift out of an adversarial Alpha-style of civilization to a Beta-style of collaboration.  This is the effect of Turning Me (driven by competition and narcissism) to We (focused through collaboration and connection); rightness from a dualistic perspective, Kohlberg shifting to rightness from a holistic perspective of inclusion and care, Gilligan.

It is predicted throughout time by philosophers of various beliefs and in varied social-spiritual texts that to unite human and spirit, have the mind create what is known as truth in the heart.  Mindful partnering is the way of upleveling consciousness and living in the light of universal spirit on the earth-plane so that all beings are upleveled together.  The resultant style of interaction among spirit-humans is Peace.

This heart focused style of relating comes out of connecting and unifying rather than dissecting and dividing. The means of how you get to Peace matters; a means that follows mind without heart, leads to destruction rather than unification of heaven and earth, even if the intent of the actor is that of Peace.  This mind separated from heart style is human thinking separated from spiritual truth.  Non-violent actions and words lead to the opportunity to create unity, connection and put heart (spirit) in the driving seat.  Violent words and actions, even toward an idealized goal or belief system, separate heart and mind and put mind in the driver’s seat.

The way  to higher consciousness-living now, follows the I Ching hexagram 11. T’ai – Peace, receptive above and creative below.  In every action let your heart lead; let your mind create what your heart (spirit) desires and knows as truth; see the other as yourself and your heart will be your guiding light in action. in love and light, beth


by 6 Comments

Two parables, Your life is what you make it.

Hello, yesterday this blog hit the number, 19000 hits.  I feel grateful to my friends and their friends who have come to check out what’s happening here.  Thank you all, in love and light, bg

So today I want to share about two proverbs.

One is Taoist:  Let Go or Be dragged.  

It is the way.  Life is dynamically changing.  Sometimes the time comes to shift a situation.  You see this often in relationship.  The relationship has come to a place where a shift is required for it to continue in a healthy manner, but the individuals don’t want to let go of the habitual way they had interacted.

Releasing each other from the habitual or routinized interaction allows for the two individuals to float up and flow with the wave of change, perhaps coming back together in a better more healthful fashion; perhaps moving away from each other and into a healthier relationship with themselves, leaving space to create a new relationship.

Holding on can result in a spinning inward of negativity that ultimately drags down the energy of the relationship until it implodes.  This is just one description of the proverb, but the idea is to go with the flow, allow the flow of the universe to guide you and to release yourself from holding on to something that does not serve you.

The other proverb is the donkey in the well fable.

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried and struggled to get out but the sides of the well were too deep and too smooth for the donkey to exit.   For hours the farmer tried to figure out what to do. He could not figure out a way to help the donkey escape.  Finally, thinking the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway.  Rather than retrieve the donkey he decided to cover up the donkey and fill the well with dirt.

 At first, when the donkey realized what was happening he cried horribly. Then, he quieted down and let out some happy brays. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well to see what was happening and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was shaking it off and taking a step up.

As the farmer continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, the donkey continued to shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

The moral to the fable is this: Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick to getting out of the hole you are in is to shake it off and take a step up. Every adversity can be turned into a stepping stone. The way to get out of the deepest well is by never giving up but by shaking yourself off, and taking a step up.  To do this you need to change your inner perspective, your inner attitude, your interpretation of what is and what is not.  This allows you to see your situation from a differently and allows you to find solutions and take actions that help yourself.

More than anything in life, what happens to you isn’t what matters,

What matters is how you choose to respond to what happens to you.

Your life is what you make it.  Your paradigm defines what you see and what power you perceive you have, even what power you perceive others have over you.  The donkey could have lived (and died) in the paradigm he began with in his journey into the well; but in the fable he used his observation skills and thinking to shift his perspective and paradigm to change his circumstances by using the tools given to him – the rising dirt.

Both of these parables can be interpreted in a physical way, but they are equally as applicable to psycho-emotional and spiritual circumstances that require a shift in perspective.

In the donkey circumstance the shift from victim to thriver, creating his own way to safety was a physical, psycho-emotional and spiritual shift.  This is also true when faced with a circumstance where let go or be dragged applies.

Own your life.

Wake each day renewed in your belief in your self, belief in the world around you and in the people in your life that matter.  In this way you can be centered in your attention your unexpected and habitual experiences that require a shift.

Recognize that letting go is sometimes the most loving thing you can do even if the other is unaware of the gift.

And hold true to your inner strength even when those you believe in have let you down.

Thrive.

Model thriving.  Have your thriving rub off on those around you so that the world around you, and the people around you can all shift perspective in unison to walk out of the well they have fallen into.

With deep gratitude to you, in love and light, bg


by Leave a comment

12.21.12 renewal and transformation, Taoism, and the Avatamsaka-sutra

Hello dear friends.

I have been doing some research on Taoist principles for  a new book and I have found some amazing, powerfully enlightening information.

Taoism perceives that the originators of civilization itself are people of higher knowledge attained through extradimensional awareness … all successful original cultures are initiated and guided by people in contact with the Tao or Universal law.  Thomas Cleary

It is Cleary’s contention that from this Taoist vision, “Taoism is not, as usually thought, a product of Chinese civilization.  Rather it is the other way about – Chinese civilization was originally the product of Taoism in the sense that like all successful original cultures it was initiated and guided by people in contact with the Tao or universal law.“(The Book of Balance and Harmony, Cleary, 1989)  What a powerful concept and a perfect focus for renewal and transformation.

Thomas Cleary in his book of the translation of The Book of Balance and Harmony (1989) identifies that the Taoist movement called the Complete Reality movement was created to distinguish a practical understanding of Taoism as it had been lost over time.  Cleary writes that ” ironically, one of the most comprehensive descriptions of Taoism … can be found in a Buddhist text, the Avatamsaka-sutra or Flower Ornament Scripture,” which he said is “held to contain the totality of all religion:”

        The various methods and techniques of the enlightened adept to worldly conditions in order to liberate people.  The enlightened provoke deep faith by being in the world yet unaffected by it, just as the lotus grows in water yet water does not adhere to the lotus. 

     With extraordinary thoughts and profound talent, as cultural leaders, like magicians the enlightened manifest all the various arts and crafts of  the world, like song and dance, and conversation admired by the people.

      Some become grandees, city elders; some become merchants, caravan leaders.  Some become physicians and scientists, some become kings and officials…..   All-sided goodness abides by reality, not in a country.  Cleary, The Flower Ornament Scripture

What I love about this is how it gives a prescription for how to live in these times.

It is about how to trust your inner knowing, your internal guidance sensory system and connect to a higher wisdom and light so that you can identify and act from a universal law or truth rather than propaganda or third dimensional pulls toward power over others to feel successful.

The ebb and flow of nature and the return to balance is the way.  Living in that way, guiding your actions to be in connection to that is the highest form of instinctive medicine, balance, and harmony.

Focus on what is and the light allows that to be what is produced  or created, rather than a disconnection from self, an embracement  of self in harmony.

  • One way to find your way back to balance is to pay attention to where you feel discomfort and that can give you a clue to where you are out of balance.
  • You may also  feel, hear as another speaks or the world shifts to attend to a lack of congruence or harmony.  This is the best way to avoid following propaganda rather than the truth.

Trusting yourself, your internal sensory guidance system includes intuition and connection to extradimensional experience through mediation, visualization, and dreamwork.

Let love and your heart center be your primary, strongest guide.  Through this pathway you may find renewal and transformation in this new time of higher light and higher consciousness.in love and light bg


by 2 Comments

3 steps to forgiveness

Hello and welcome

Forgiveness is required to release anger and move through any difficult situation.  The energy of forgiveness comes from a balanced mindful perspective that is  heart centered.  Practicing mindfulness increases your openness and your awareness allowing your mind to hear the calling of your heart.

When you are stuck in your thinking process you may find that you get into a loop about the different aspects of a problem or conflict.  This loop is driven by the left brain analytical aspect of your brain.  The right brain aspect of your brain receives information in wholes, it gets imprints of information – spirit mind and body integrated.

Both aspects of your brain are beneficial in sorting through problems.  The left brain, verbal and analytical aspect that separates and evaluates in a more tangible fashion is necessary for movement through complex problems and conflicts.  It gets to the figure issue of the problem.  The Right brain, image, whole, and energy evaluator is necessary for getting to the background and interconnections that can allow for transition or transformation.

The key is to allow for your understanding, empathy, and big picture connection to inform your analytical specificity evaluator.  This directs you to see through a mindful,  compassionate, integrated perspective so that you can release the  dualistic right/wrong style of consciousness.  This shifts the power of the injury or anger and helps you align with your internal sensory guidance system.

Three steps move you through to forgiveness.

  1. Allow the fullness of the pain and injury, anger and trauma to be experienced.  Do not skip to forgiveness, feel the pain.  Do not stuff down the pain or the shock.  This release is important and necessary.   Make this a finite thing, not something that goes on and on or becomes a way of life.  Utilize writing, talking, and creative artistic measures to get to the injury and clarify your experience.  Note what verbal and cognitive equations that begin to develop, ie:  a sense that you will never trust again, never love again, never have another child, never go through this again.  This will give you a clue as to what habit reaction pattern you may be setting up and a direction about what you need to forgive.  the issue is usually very subtle, not the whole injury just some piece that shocked your system.
  2. Create a space to dialogue (if this is possible) with the injurer.  Identify how you participated in the conflict so that you can shift yourself and your action in the future.  Look at the situation from a larger view and from the perspective of the other person – notice if he was operating under a different paradigm than you and if you can shift the misunderstanding through dialogue or negotiation.  If the injury is without another side or perspective look for what good, light, beautiful outcomes came out of the situation; this is most difficult when there is a loss of someone you love through no fault of your own or his.  Still focus on the light will help to move you through to forgiveness and the uplevel your consciousness.  This is where allowing your heart to lead and connecting with your right brain imprint, memories, and wholes to help you to have access to the light.  you can do this through creative maneuvers, painting, drawing, music, building – these are all powerful tools to get to your inner healing and inner knowing.
  3. Set a time to let go of the injury.  Also use this third step to identify a holistic,. balanced picture of you without the injury and moving joyously through life.  Do this is a concrete way.  You can use writing or a picture.  Take the information in a tangible form and release it through burning it.  Do this in a safe and contained way.  Then allow yourself to take the created future that you identified and burn that into existence.  You may find you want to create a structure or an image of what you are releasing and what you are bringing in to remind you to remain in forgiveness.  You can use these a cues to remind you to live in the now and the light.

Forgiveness is essential for health.  Holding onto an injury distorts your perspective, skews the energy in your integrated spirit, mind, body field and can over time create stagnation, disruption and disease.  Letting go, releasing the injury or anger and incorporating a higher consciousness understanding regarding the situation heals and rights your imbalance.  This can reset your energy field so that you promote health rather than stagnation and misdirection.

Joy.  Light. Love.  These are the tools of your heart and lead the way to uplevel your consciousness, integrate you spirit, mind, and body and through these tools you can change the world around you through changing the world within you. in love and light, bg


by Leave a comment

seeing miracles, creating healing

If you want to find the secrets of the universe think in terms of energy, frequency, and vibration – Nikola Tesla

Hello friends

The miracle of healing is at your fingertips.  It is simply a matter of seeing, listening and responding to your senses, energy, frequency and vibration.

I see immediate and complete transformation in my practice, relationships, and life every day!

The corresponding elements that allow for this are a matter of knowing, belief, and sight.  It is through this knowing belief and seeing that the miracle presents itself.  It is greater than a course in miracles.  It is an instantaneous truth seen through your eyes when you are completely connected to your sensory guidance system and the healing knowledge of sight and action.

Your sight must be aligned with the frequency, energy, and vibration of health, light, and spiritual knowing.  From this wavelength and universe all things are possible.

This allows for the immediate perception of a miracle.

Three steps will help you to see the miracle.

  • First, use your inner sight connected to your inner knowing.  So that you are open to how the fabric of your life can shift to create, offer the miracle – this results in seeing the miracle.
  • Second, accept that choice is the ultimate foundation for each soul on the planet.  And you do not have the power to change another person’s choice for his or her life.
  • Third, see the miracle in each event…even when your first reaction is to say that no miracle exists.  Pay attention to the energy of the event and within you the intensity of your reaction.  Vibration and frequency are also useful in assisting you to discern the message therein… once you have aligned yourself with the miracle you can bring forth a healing either in spirit, cognition/thinking or the body/physically.

The universe is always offering a gift to move you toward your soul’s path.  How –  that is true is the tricky part.  Seeing the miracle requires integrating spirit, mind, and body knowings as well as energy, frequency, and vibration.  Use paradigm shifting through compassionate sight and inversions to see the balance in the universe.  Use a long, broad view to understand what the universe is presenting as a miracle.

A fourth step helps to align with the miracle and integrate the lesson.

  • Embrace even those events that are painful and look for the healing lesson within – you will know when you have found that lesson when you find yourself, smiling, looking lovingly on another or a new perception of the event, and feeling a release of anger and fear.

Miracles are the norm in your life…. as you train your internal dialogue and sight to attend to your sensory guidance system you will experience them in every step of your life.  The natural outcome to this state is love, peace, upleveling consciousness, collaboration, acceptance, and success in all of your endeavors.

This is a quantum shift in experience and knowing; a quantum shift in energy, frequency and vibration.  Once you allow yourself to see differently you will act and be different, immediately, in a quantum and whole way.  Paradigm recognition, shifting,integration and creation in the moment.  in love and light, bg


by Leave a comment

moving from narcissism and competition to collaboration and connection

Hello

When working with relationships one of the first necessary steps is to look at how the parties relate.

  •  Are they defensive and competitive?
  • Do they maintain a balance sheet of exchange patterns?
  • Do they spend time and energy listening to their partners point of view seeking to understand or waiting to find the flaw in the argument?

How parties relate gives you information about what is driving each person and what is the underlying foundation of the relationship.  Once you have a sense of this you can identify the underlying needs.  Evaluation of what is driving each individual results in n integrated picture of needs, exchange patterns, belief systems, paradigmatic structures, connections and relationship and security structures.

Narcissism and Competition in relationship are forms of relating that disallow inter-action and interdependence.  These are styles of relating that are part of a singular, need-focused structure.

Narcissism tends to be a ME form of relating and often results in a co-dependent relationship structure.  In this structure  the parties utilize an exchange pattern and the paradigmatic structure is you take care of me and me take care of you; each exchange is noted and weighted, and the parties require an equal exchange for each action of care.  Need underlies the tie to each other and there is a lack of independent action or thinking.  It may appear collaborative but in actuality the giving is highly conditional.  The insecurity in this type of relationship is that the other completes him and so abandonment is feared; there is a high degree of separation anxiety.  These partnerships require intense agreement on everything and do not respond well to independent thinking.  Intensity can be the marker of intimacy rather than a sense of trust and security.  From a financial perspective one party may have all the financial responsibility and the other party may have all the emotional responsibility.  The exchange is money for support.  In this style of relationship the two persons are halves to the one whole, there is no individuality, only couple.

Competition tends to be an I form of relating and often results in a pairing that is independent without inter-action or interdependence.  Each party is in a wholly enveloped structure.  There is no dependence or co-dependence, as you might see with a ME structure, but there is no inter-dependence either.  Each party stands on his or her own two feet.  It is as if the two people are walking side-by-side.  There is no integration or mixing of the two beings.  Fairness and rigid boundaries are the characteristics of this type of relationship.  There can be an exchange pattern balance sheet but this has more to do with winners of the competition and proof of being right rather than what each brings to the partnership.  The financial structure of this relationship is independent as well; each person pays his or her way and if there is a need for a money exchange it is set up via a contract or with some set of conditions and plan for pay back.  The emotional structure is equally self-contained.  In this style of relationship the two persons are two persons, there is no sense of we-ness or group only the two selves walking side by side.  Here the insecurity centers around avoiding dependence and connection as this is seen as a way to stay free from bondage.

Collaboration and connection are a third wave of partnership.  In this style of partnership the two parties have an interdependence and integration without a loss of individual selves.  In this style of relationship the two persons maintain a sense of self and have individual beliefs and experiences AND the two have an integrated participation with each other which is we.  In this style of partnering there is space for two Is and a We, interaction incorporates a tapestry of flexibility, a weaving that results in a rich experience of collaboration, connection and a sense of increase.  This WE style of relating offers enhancement of each party, without a loss of freedom. It is flexible, accepting, and inter-dependent.  The security is derived through a sense of support and connection without a loss individuality.  Conflict in this style of relating offers a way to work through issues to come to a higher level of understanding and connection to each other that incorporates each person’s core desires, needs and beliefs.  It is a function of negotiation rather than a compromise.  Financial and emotional structures are interrelated and integrated so that both parties are flexibly participatory, flowing easily in a responsive, dynamic fashion.

Once you have found your style you can begin to shift your attention in the relationship.  Embrace your fears and your insecurities and embark on a journey to move from narcissism and competition to collaboration and connection.

These styles of relating are developmental in nature, you are able to move through these various styles or structures through loving, attention to your own security and individual fear-based patterns.  Mindfulness is a useful focus of thinking to assist you and your partner to evaluate and transcend  your personal blockages in relationships.

Development of your personal sensory guidance system will be highly valuable in this process.

You can use these models to determine what kind of relationship structure you are in and then use mindfulness to uplevel your style of relating.

  • If you discover that you are in a Me oriented relationship turn your love toward yourself so that you can be the best partner to yourself first, this is a beginning step to moving to independence.
  • If you find you are in an I oriented relationship trust yourself and your partner to risk giving and receiving in an unconditional way.  Create a belief that being connected can be fulfilling rather than disheartening, this will open your heart to create a path of connection with your partner.

Mindful, loving, attention toward yourself and your partner opens the door for a shift in how you relate.  Namaste, beth


by Leave a comment

Covey’s Win-Win or No Deal, and a word about psychopaths

Greetings !

I just returned from an amazing event that offered an elevated example of how groups can indeed find agreement and harmony through a concerted effort to focus energies on the thread of connecting and similar thought and a commitment to upleveling consciousness.

The focus of seeing where there is agreement and to honor a partnership of love, offered a perfect starting point for compassionate mindfulness.  Several politically and culturally diverse groups came together in harmony without the need to compete, push their agenda or malign the others.  I  observed individuals who typically lived in a way that required them to push their ‘rightness’ shift and search for a way to meaningfully connect and open to the ways in which others were ‘right’ too, or at least where there was agreement in broad terms.  Through this openness there was a transformation and increase in consciousness and light that vibrated at a higher frequency; a stable threshold opened for 48 hours creating an environment that was indeed a bit like the description at the end of the Celestine Prophecy (Redfield 1993) wherein the protagonist simply vibrated into a different dimension or the Star Trek Next Generation episode where the doctor’s friend simply evolved in front of her eyes into pure light energy.  It was amazing.

I left considering the implications of such an evolution of consciousness toward the concept of one world.  I visualized and fantasized about how this could be a view into what was to come in the new generation, an evolution of spiritual and cognitive consciousness for the embracement or inclusion of all of humanity and the planet.

Mindfulness, compassion, paradigm shifting and sincere, open-minded interest and focus on looking for a way to truly create a consensus that is driven by love and understanding is the most effective way to create success in partnerships – to truly embrace the space of “we”.

I observed something else which I had not anticipated.  There are those who cannot do this.  There are individuals who use mindfulness, and the words of compassion or understanding as a manipulation to trick others into vulnerability.  This was something I had previously understood was a reality, but had not considered in my writings on the application of mindfulness.

As a therapist I would use the term psychopathic to describe this kind of behavior.  A psychopath is an individual who is devoid of a conscience.  He or she manipulates the chosen target against him or herself.  The psychopath has no real internal experience of guilt or shame, but manipulates the normal aspect of guilt in others to manipulate them to act in ways that suit the needs of the psychopath.  An individual with this style of relating in the world can shift their exterior behavior, continence, tone, and words to appear as if he or she is something he or she is not.  This type of personality structure does not have the interior strength or flexibility to evolve his or her consciousness and so simply observes and imitates without a real or true internal shift.

When considering mindfulness and its application toward parenting or partnering you must be able to discern when you are dealing with a psychopath.  When this is the case it is best to follow the words of Stephen Covey in his book The  7 Habits of Highly Effective People:  win-win or no deal(Covey, 1989).  This is to say when you are interacting with a psychopath the habit of mindfulness and focusing on where you agree and the concept of win-win is unattainable as a psychopath is unable to move into a true “we” relationship.  A psychopath is “I” only and therefore unable to negotiate in an honest and fair fashion.

Covey wrote when you cannot find a place of win-win then it is most effective to choose no-deal(Covey, 1989).  This is to say using mindfulness can assist you to discern what another wants and seek to understand the other but when you are interacting with a psychopath once you understand the other is unable to create a win-win (a negotiated perspective that includes both parties needs/wants) you are best to choose no-deal.  This no-deal concept can look like a termination of the relationship or in the case of someone with whom you must continue to interact (like a divorced parent of your child) it can look like an acceptance that there can be no “we” so negotiation is from an “I” to “I” experience, where you seek to simply create what is most effective for you and any other party involved ( like your child) but not get into a discussion of an integrated “we” with the psychopathic personality.

Once you have discerned you are dealing with a psychopath you must take care to not let him or her “play” on your emotional fears, concerns, or feelings of guilt to manipulate you toward his or her goals.  This is a different form of mindfulness it utilizes compassion and understanding so that the actions, words, and behaviors you choose are without malice, but they incorporate the full and complete understanding of the other person’s true lack of capacity for “we”.

Here are a few simple guideposts to assist you in discerning if you are interacting with a psychopath:

  • He or she acts dramatically different in specific situations.
  • He or she has a chameleon quality and can take on a persona that is expected to be accepted.
  • He or she utilizes your feelings of guilt or desire to be kind, helpful and the bigger person to get you to forgive him or her and give him or her another chance.
  • When a third-party is involved in mediation or evaluation, he or she is able to manipulate the third-party to agree with him or her against you – even once you have shared your concerns.
  • He or she never takes true responsibility for any negative behavior inflicted upon you and deflects such to some element of you.
  • He or she changes his or her continence to get his or her way including mimicking words and emotional behavior .

Finally, it is important to use your internal guidance system, your neutral, mindful, observation powers to discern whether you are interacting with someone who is honestly and sincerely communicating with you.  Notice whether his or her actions, behavior, and words are in congruence.

Pay closest attention to the subtle, small things as this is where the psychopath’s true consciousness and intentions will be shown.

I can feel that the energy of how partnership and collaboration is evolving.  It is moving toward a higher degree of spiritual oneness.  As this shift continues to develop focus your energy on interactions that will be fruitful, loving, and increase the value of your world. Give yourself permission to use your mindfulness to discern the capacity for partnership and focus your energies on those who are also working toward the thread of compassion and love and “we”ness.

Having had this moment of perfection over this last weekend my heart is on fire with the joy that awaits in our near future as a community of “we” on this amazing planet.  It starts with each one of us, love, compassion, open-minded neutral mindfulness, and focused attention toward harmony and balance. in love and light Namaste, beth


by 1 Comment

Soul guidance – 5 easy steps

Hi, Welcome and thanks for your interest!

Soul guidance is a set of 5 easy steps to shift your focus so that you can have your heart center guide your path.

Anxiety and guilt wreak havoc on the human spirit and lead to breath-holding, inflexibility, and burning off of true soul guidance.

To see your way through these two habitual ways of letting fear separate you from your true self and true path –

  • 1st.  begin with a simple review of your breath,your senses, your emotions, and your muscles.  What ever you find notice it – tension, flexibility an inner grimace, tightness –
  • 2nd connect these  – emotion to breath holding, and tightness or rigidity in movement
  • 3rd Discern which aspects of your inner sensory guidance system reveals intuition and which reveal fear -here are the most common: Fear:  pit of stomach tightness-fear, anxiety in chest breath holding-fear, inflexibility in hips-fear (trauma), inability to think clearly and utilize mindfulness-fear      Intuition:  quiet light voice in the center of your being-intuition – may be in you heart or your mind, this has a sense of ringing clear through your spiritual, emotional physical field – it allows openness, neutrality, space, and mindfulness.
  • 4th Now feed the intuition
  • 5th release the fear.

Breath is the key.  Breathing through to trust and have faith in your knowing requires deep full breathing drawing into you the power of the knowing.  Breathing through as you release the fear, allowing it to disconnect from you, letting go as you release the lack of power.

Simple and easy

If you shift your energy slightly, you can change your life in a big way!  Try it with something small first to practice your skills of letting go – then increase your intention and focus until each day you simply adjust and release and follow your inner guidance

Love the simplicity?  It’s all within you, pay attention when something seems to go in crooked or doesn’t feel right or causes you to withdraw – this is a message from your sensory guidance system.  Respond accordingly.  Engage your critical thinking and your mindfulness, and respond to what you discover.  When you feel stuck, unworthy, anxiety or fear, breathe, and go through these steps to release the fear and embrace your inner knowing.

Listen to your true voice – the sound will be sure and firm, loving and compassionate, light and quiet.

Ignore the loud fear-filled, guilt-filled, anxiety voice.  Avoid defensiveness deciding your course of action.

Choose the sweet loving inner smile of love and joy – live there and everything you desire will be at your fingertips to create.

This honors you and creates an opportunity for your inner being to guide your life and results in resilient, flexible powerful action.in love and light, beth


by Leave a comment

Each new paradigm births through its predecessor

Hello and Welcome!

Habits and paradigms are tricky.  A habit can be defined as something that guides you toward success or shifts you into a rut out of which you are always struggling to evolve.  Paradigms give you your first structure of morality, right/wrong stories, and modes to interpret the world.  Habits and paradigms work right up to the point they become obsolete.  When you feel stuck or clinging to a habit or paradigm that feeling may be a sign that you need to birth through to the next way.

Challenging your paradigmatic perspective including your habitual reaction patterns allows you to discover a deeper and fuller experience in your relationships and work environment.

Not long ago I encountered a dead-end on my path.  At least I thought that was what it was at the time.

I had gone as far as I could in the pursuit of something.  I had reached a stopping point but not reached the goal.  At least that stopping point didn’t look like my picture of the goal.  I felt discouraged.  I didn’t want to turn around and go back, but I could go no further.

So I sat down where I was.  I stopped pushing.  I looked around.  I looked within.  I began breathing and focusing on what I felt as well as what I saw.  With my breath and focus the energy around me shifted.  It was as if I was vibrating into a new level of consciousness.

As I sat there I felt inconsolable.  I had become attached to the goal I was pursuing.  At first my attitude didn’t allow for me to see anything positive.  I could only see through the eyes of my disillusionment.  Then I began to see through an attitude of gratitude.  I began to notice some wondrous things around me:  extraordinary relationships and family;  time and freedom to pursue my dreams; support; love; space; an inner awareness.  This awareness, breath, gratitude, and peacefulness filled me and opened up an inner imaginal world filled with plausible creations.

I realized the dead-end was a logical conclusion of my limited thinking and perception – an inner shifting of paradigms and habits.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t reached the goal, it was that my goal had transformed.  I had shifted from pursuing an independent, proving, route to experiencing and developing a collaborative, integrative, holistic, path.  This required me to shift my perspective, my habits, and my capacity to take in what was around me, to see through a different lens.

At once, with this realization, I noticed a beautiful path that veered off  just to edge from my sitting place.  It was a slightly elevated pathway that was not immediately noticeable, hidden from view when looking straight ahead or downward.  It was light and airy, covered in a material that was vastly different from the path on which I had been walking.  I could only see the way, through my new perspective of present moment now and receiving joy.

The hard work, perseverance, and hard choices, the trauma and difficulties of my youth had created a primary paradigm that anything of worth required this set of behaviors.  And that I had to prove who I was, a doing, rather than being style of living.  What I had endured to get to this point could only bring me this far on my path.

Only via these new lessons of ease, joy, laughter, love – that lovely concept of flow could I see the way through.  An evolution of consciousness was the action required to take my next step.  And this evolution comes from a releasing, a relaxing, and a letting go rather than a persevering, pushing attitude.  The shift in consciousness creates the new paradigm in a quantum-style movement, rather than a linear movement.  Each new paradigm births through its predecessor through a natural shifting of perspective.

If you are feeling stuck or clinging intensely to your habitual style of behaving, thinking, or believing; if you are feeling defensiveness, anger, anxiety or discouraged stop where you are, both metaphorically and physically.  Take the time to feel into your ideas, your habits, your goals, and beliefs.  Open yourself to the attitude of gratitude, notice everything that is working in your life, environment, relationships, and work.  Through this space you will find an evolution in your consciousness so that you can shift your perspective and birth yourself into a new paradigm of living and being.  in love and light, beth