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ego re-balancing – inner guidance II

Hello and Welcome!  There is a lot of reference of the negative of the “ego” among alternative healers and spiritual healers.  These groups tend to perceive the ego as negative; this is a matter of not understanding the role of ego in self-development, and further of mis-connecting ego and narcissism.

The story of the ego to which I refer is its identification  in the development of self, and each person’s interaction with self and other.  The ego is that aspect of your personal self that can mediate between your personal wants disconnected from society and your belief systems swallowed whole from society.  Ego basically is mediating between individual wants or needs and the needs or wants of the group.  So from this perspective ego is a neutral more helpful aspect of your personality.  It is the part of you that can be objective and see self and other on the same plane.

Narcissism is a more problematic aspect of personality.  Narcissism is a skew in personality away from mindfulness and neutrality and objectivity.  Narcissism is problematic in relationship as individuals who are narcissistic have little to no capacity for empathy.

Empathy is the shear act of paradigm shifting – putting yourself in another’s position and understanding that other’s perspective.  Mindfulness, lovingkindness attitude and paradigm shifting require empathy.  Lack of empathy disconnects you from society and others.  Narcissism allows you to take actions without regard for how you may hurt another and focuses your actions on self alone without a connection to society as a whole.

Your cognitive mind has a way of tricking you.  It is a thinking aspect – with cognitive firings and logic.  It is that aspect that can get caught into a habit of relating, or be guided by indoctrination.  You can think of mind as an aspect of the information available to you as part of your inner guidance but when it is disconnected from spirit it can skew perceptions and actions out of balance.

These groups that teach you their language and then have you act by that set of symbols and beliefs are having you work with your mind while simultaneously saying your ego (aka mind) is guiding you away from your true self – which from their specific perspectives is whatever they are teaching.  Be aware.  Allow yourself to trust yourself first.

Ego allows for the integration of mind and spirit as it allows for empathy and negotiated action that synthesizes individual and groups needs/wants.

The simple rule found in so many spiritual texts to not treat others as you would not desire to be treated incorporates ego, mind, spirit integrated and in balance – it requires empathic lovingkindness guide your action.

Guidance from without must be filtered through your inner guidance to experience its truth.

Truth is not an abstract concept to be discussed and proved through the cognitions of the mind in isolation, but rather it is something that is a trifold experience of knowing, feeling, and understanding.

You can feel when it is not truth.  Something doesn’t ring true, look right, feel right.  There is a catch in how the information goes on or a blip or bump – if you are paying attention you know it – you fully and completely know it.

The tricky part is the paying attention part.

If you are simply on automatic and going through life as a passive receiver then you may miss the information present in every interaction, in each dream, and story, and connection you make or have.  This includes how you respond or react to the story of your politics, your family, your ethnic group, your partner, and your peers.  The stereotypes you allow to guide you rather than the personal information you feel, hear, see, know from within.

Paying attention requires attentiveness, awareness, openness, and a willingness to follow the inner thread of inner guidance.  To risk discovery of new information, change your opinions, and allow truth to be revealed.

Each person is unique when born.  Each life has a unique path.  Each being is special.  Each of us is a child of source energy, of god or spirit.  Each has access to source energy through the source guidance built into her cells, into her internal sensory system – her six senses.

These are always present within you and speaking to you all the time if you would just listen.

You actually are constantly being directed through your inner guidance through these messages; when you feel like something that someone says is off then that is a message from within.  Paying attention to these messages through your intuition, your inner hearing, seeing, knowing, feeling.  This is the fastest and most effective way to get onto your path and create your life fortune.

The truth will set you free and following your bliss will indeed bring you success.

So here’s an important message – if you are not doing what you want or living at your highest potential – go within reconnect through you internal guidance system with yourself.  You can use prayer, meditation, Yoga, running, ice skating, walking, dancing, writing, journaling, dreaming, sound, toning, therapy, or anything that assists you in connecting with your inner truth – but the key is that whatever you use your guide is within, not without, and the answer is personal, empathic, and loving.

When you begin to listen, pay attention to the subtle, gentle messages in the background not the angry, emotional loud messages in the foreground.

Your personal inner guidance will generally not yell at you unless you are about to have a car accident.  Otherwise it’s just a quiet, firm yet light message or vibration  turn here, let go, trust, believe, and ooh that doesn’t feel, sound, look right.

And give your self/ego a break – your ego is trying to mediate all your inner wants and outer expectations – have a little empathy, love and kindness toward yourself while you begin to acquaint yourself with your inner guidance.

Thanks for your continued interest and support, please pass on this information as you are guided to do so – more joy for everyone, in love and light, Beth


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Truth within – inner guidance I

Hello and Welcome!  When I was in graduate school I discovered a book  by Sheldon Kopp, although it had already been around for a while, for me it was transformative.   The preface of the book is what is most relevant here:  No meaning that comes from outside of ourselves is real.  The Buddhahood of each of us has already been obtained.  We need only recognize it – Thus the Zen Master warns his disciple:  – If you meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill him! (Kopp, 1976).  

The most effective and personal guidance is within.

Over the years I have noticed a number of programs “pop up” designed to assist you in becoming more successful and happy.  Even a burgeoning interest in Yoga and meditation has developed as a means for spirituality and stress reduction.

The focus for what is your true path remains within.  The promise of becoming more successful and happy is hollow when the center of the program is without a direct connection to your personal, spiritual center.  Any program that assists you in becoming more in touch with source connection and energy is a profound gift.  Many paths can provide guidance and direction along this path but the resultant information best serves the seeker when it is found within his own heart-center.

Some of these programs have a quality of indoctrination – indoctrination is actually the opposite of reaching a deeper connection within.  If you use your inner sensory system and listen to your internal responses then you will know if you are being led away from or into your center.  Indoctrination leads you away from your center and creates a layer between you and yourself.

Truth doesn’t belong to the guide or the giver of it – truth is.  It is available to anyone who seeks it.  If you have to learn someone else’s language to speak to yourself – you may be creating a connection that is not direct and there can be a skewing in the information you receive.

There is already a clear and direct communication available to you within.  Truth is present within.

Your internal guidance system that is part of you – within the integration of your spirit, mind, and body, your 6 senses (sight, touch, sound, taste, smell – and intuition) – these are personal and wholly connect you and source energy.  No need to learn someone else’s language.  By paying attention to your subtle responses within yourself you can be effectively and perfectly guided.  Just listen to what you hear, feel, know within yourself.

Your connection to source is direct.

Your truth is within you not outside of you and finding the truth of your path is found from going within and reacquainting yourself with your heart, your spirit-self communication.

You may use prayer, meditation, Yoga, personal journaling, dreaming, therapy, or any other method to acquaint yourself with your truth – but the language is personal, idiosyncratic, unique and the way in is available to you through any and all of these methods.

Your internal sensory guidance system is always showing you the way.

Just listen and respond with love and neutrality.

You may discover that you have some habits that cover over your personal truth.  Some belief systems, or interpretations of truth that you may need to break through but the truth is already right there, within you waiting to be understood by you.

How you perceive the information presented to you through your internal guidance system is your path.  Yes you may have to go under the habit reaction patterns you developed from your life experiences and the “should” and “should not” introjects swallowed whole by you from your primary socialization groups – these are elements of indoctrination.  These may feel right on the surface but at a deeper level you may feel a quirk or dissonance within you.  That is what you pay attention to – that aspect of knowing deep within.

Truth is something that rings clear through all your internal senses and your intuition when it touches one or all of them.

Just listen as you move through your life and all is revealed in your own heart-centered language.

thanks for your interest, pass it on as you are guided to do so, Beth

Kopp, Sheldon, If you meet the Buddha on the Road,Kill Him. Bantam Books:  New york, New York:  1976.


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Focus your energy and breathe

Hello

As a therapist, my job is listening.

It  is a special kind of listening not the listening of a friend, or a mother who just wants to soothe.   Although I deeply care for those with whom I work, from a broader perspective listening has many facets.

It is a listening that requires rapid responses, redirection, and guidance offering a sense of calm.

The listening is active but not strained.  I’m present in the foreground in a neutral open way, while in the background my mind, heart, intuition, and senses are evaluating the information on some kind of inner grid; the person’s tonal quality, choice of words, and speech as well as the content of what was said and not said used to develop a multi-level understanding of the person and the problem at hand, in context.

I have developed a special kind of quiet speech, and stillness that becomes even more quiet and still in response to increased danger or lack of balance.  When working my voice has a soothing, relaxing quality that allows others to easily allow a trance state.

While in my personal interactions I may become agitated, in my therapeutic setting I seem to have the ability to drop my blood pressure and pulse in more dangerous circumstances, telegraphing a sense of calm composure.  In the same way an animal can smell fear I transmit a sense of security and peace to assist the person to return to a sense of calm balanced harmony.

This is something that I developed instinctively over a period of time when working in stressful, dangerous environments.  The calmer my demeanor the more likely the danger could be averted.

This tactic is directly related to the concept of energy and breath.

A fascinating phenomenon of activity and passivity in unison, which I believe is a the mechanism that allows others to feel better after being in my presence  and encourages them to return.

It is the sense of being seen and heard that allows the person to move forward to receive the necessary information and support from me.  This sense of visibility in a safe way is soothing and strengthening.

She experiences things already known by her as well as things unknown to her that have the quality  of truth or accuracy or deep familiarity.  In combination this increases a sense of security and strength.  And allows for a letting go of structures that no longer serve her and development of structures which do.

I have developed a way to transmit calm in stressful situations.  Practicing this skill will create an environment for harmony and I think it is what allows for the shifts in the people I see in my practice.

So it’s about paying attention and responding to the situation with a sense of calm neutral interest.  A serious and gentle way of guiding and supporting.

These are precisely the terms used to describe mindful mediation or mindfulness.  And it is through these actions that a person can reduce her anxiety or anxious behavior and feelings of obsessive compulsions.

So it is no wonder that the experience in therapy is soothing and strengthening.

But how to get that when you are not with your therapist.

It turns out the best thing to do is to imitate her in your response to yourself.

  • Smile, sit quietly, listen to yourself, your words, your tone, your word choice, what you say and what you hold back.
  • Listen and pay attention with a sense of calm neutral interest.
  • Appreciating the situation with a gentle seriousness.
  • To get to this kind of state the first thing to do is to focus your energy inward in a gentle, calm and interested way.
  • A gentle questioning: what is going on here, what do I feel, when did it begin, what relationships are present?
  • Then listening to the answer that presents itself with a neutral interest; no need to prove the rightness or wrongness of what is noticed.
  • Then Breathe.  Breathe again deeply and fully with a smile in between your exhalation and inhalation.  Allowing for your heart to open and listen too.
  • A feeling of Love and a connection to spirit help.

Feeling a warm caring and sense of spiritual connection allows me to move into my heart even when I have lost my way, by simply breathing, focusing my energy, smiling and being open  to the perfect answer to the situation presenting itself.

Allowing things to flow seems to be the most difficult.

If you have created success through your mind’s ability to discover the answer and prove it, you will find this allowing part difficult.  Remembering that pushing the river takes more energy and doesn’t get very far – go with the flow.

In general the best answers come to us, they appear or present themselves.  Yes perhaps as a result of study, and work on the problem but is usually after the problem is set to the back burner that the whole picture is revealed along with the solution.

So focusing your energy on the problem, setting a desire or intention, and then releasing it unto breath – breathing through the need to make it happen especially when it’s out of your control, that is the place of real strength and power.

Focus your energy and breathe, you will feel that inner sense of calm and a sense of inner balance.  From this place you will see solutions present themselves if you are paying attention to the information in the universe.

See you tomorrow,

Beth


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What if that funky mood is telling you something

Hello

I wrote a blog  funky to joyous, how to shift the energy, posted january 28, 2011, with great ideas about how to shift yourself out of a funky mood.

But what if that funky mood was itself the cue that there was an underlying problem but it’s too vague to figure out?

When things just don’t feel right it may be that you are out of sync or you have taken a wrong turn.  Sometimes feeling off, or in a funky mood is just the cue to get you back on track if you use your mindfulness, observation skills, and pay attention.

Instinctive knowing is more of a bothering rather than a loud shout that there’s a problem.

A funky mood can be like a bothering, a nagging, sense that something is out-of-place.  So you can view it as a cue that you need to go within, get centered and listen, or mindfully look at what is bothering you.

I find this is especially true when the funky mood seems out-of-place.  You can follow the thread back to when you began the funky mood and see what happened just before your mood shifted into being funky.  Often through this process you can use your observation and investigation skills to see the precursor to the funky mood, and that will give you information about the problem with which you are bothered.

The funky mood is your instinctive knowing informing you that something is awry.

This tends to be an insidious experience; in a subtle, pernicious fashion things begin to go awry and the funky mood develops in response to this shifting.

When you use you attention to look at the circumstances leading up to the shift in energy you can see the precise moment the shift occurred.  It is often a word or statement from another or a set of interactions that are linked in some way to an attachment or expectation or agreement you hold about yourself, others in relationship with you, or a group.

First you use you attention to discern whence the funky mood originated, and then you use your intention to bring into light that which is bothering you.  Once you can identify the problem then you can clarify and choose to respond to it with your whole self, in a mindful and centered way.

Our natural state is to be in balance, easily connecting and interacting with those in our environment who matter to us.

A funky mood could be a sign that you are out of balance.  Using it as a cue you can engage your mindfulness and paradigm shifting skills to center yourself into your life and respond from within that center and feel a return to balance.

When the issue is an attachment then the shift may be to unlink the should of how things should be.  This is to say you have to evaluate if you have an attachment about emotion and action or an unexpressed linking of your behavior to another’s behavior in response.  ie:  I make everything ok and you owe me.

When the issue is an expectation then the shift may be to clarify, re-evaluate, and re-negotiate the arrangement that corresponds to the expectation.  Sometimes expectations are unacknowledged and there isn’t agreement among parties.  In this situation the resolution may be to create a space so that the expectation is identified and shared with all parties involved.  Sometimes the expectation is inappropriate and the shift is to let it go.

Expectations are often unexpressed agreements that are part of one parties’ belief system (or habit reaction pattern), but not part of another parties’ belief system.  This leads to resentment, conflicts, and funky moods.

When the issue is an agreement it is important to bring to light whatever aspects of the agreement that has either 1/ not been fully identified and expressed or 2/when the aspects of the agreement have changed.  You see this a lot with partnerships or love relationships ie:  with monogamy or loyalties – if the parties have different belief systems or when feelings have changed, what one party thinks is an agreement may not be held by the other party.

Agreements, expectations, and attachments are a normal part of relationship however they are dynamic.  This ever-changing aspect is the source of much conflict, discomfort, and miscommunication.

I have found that both expectations and attachments tend to result in dissonance and an imbalance moving people out of their center.  This is especially true when they  are unexpressed or unidentified until they go unmet.

It is wise to make an effort to evaluate these in your relationships on an ongoing basis.

You funky mood can be seen as an early warning system.

Paying attention to it allows you to adjust your focus and use your mindfulness to increase your alignment of your agreements, expectations, and attachments with your centered, balanced true-self in your relationships and your interactions.  You may find a cleaner, less funky relationship ensues, resulting in a more balanced present (available), happy, secure (confident), mood.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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Live like you were dying

Hello

So I recently heard this song by Tim McGraw called Live like you were dying. It’s about making the changes you always meant to do because you feel the end coming.  It’s very touching.  He identifies doing things and being different emotionally and in relationship too –

….I went sky-diving and rocky mountain climbing… and I loved deeper, I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying; I was finally the husband that most the time I wasn’t, I became a friend a friend would like to have..and I finally read the good book and  I took a good long hard look at what I would do if I could do it all again; ….I watched an eagle as it was flying…live like you were dying.

Several years ago my dear friend was diagnosed with colon cancer.  She was amazing.  Over the last few years of her life she made sure that what she could do, that she wanted to do, she did.

She focused on what was great about life and she focused on getting as much as possible out of life, from both a doing as well as experiencing (connecting and being) perspective.  It was inspiring to witness and amazing to be close to her during this time.

She allowed her compassion and love of life to guide her in her endeavors yet she was mindful of taking care of all the responsibilities involved in dying – providing for other and making sure she resolved unresolved issues.

She lived as if everything she did mattered.  But she was less uptight, and more relaxed about everything, too.  It was as if she was savoring each moment and didn’t want to allow anger to steal any of those moments away from her.

She tolerated the vulnerability of being what her heart desired because she didn’t have to worry about what end would come; she felt the urgency of being her true self because her days were numbered.

It fits that when we see we are nearing the end, one of the first things to release is anger.  Sure people are angry about dying but wasting precious living-time on feeling and being angry takes away the time available for en-joying what life actually offers.

I think it’s an important lesson on which to focus, getting as much out of life as possible; it seems like a good thing to focus on even when one doesn’t know their fate… to live like you were dying…. to really savor and be mindful of your actions, and your relationships.

Structure is important to teach but living is the most important thing that we take for granted.  We focus on structure early in our parenting because we want to help our children to have that throughout their lives but I wonder if we do so at the neglect of teaching them about trusting their instincts about what brings them joy and their talents and seeing the beauty available in relationships.

To create a life that is full regardless of your days, both delayed gratification and structure as well as living in the moment are needed in balance.

When I lost my friend I felt I had really experienced a lot of life with her.  That we had connected, and shared, and lived through things in a way that I could cherish and hold onto after she was gone.

Earlier in my life I had lost my beloved boyfriend in a car accident.  It was unexpected and shocking.  He too, had a way of getting the most out of life – for him experiencing life mattered more than the  accumulation of things.  He focused on connections and relationships, and experiences.

At the time, I was too figure focused and not enough ground – so when he died I really felt cheated and lost.  It was difficult.  But now I realize that our experiences together created a strong model for me to focus on connections and relationship and to let go of the unimportant injuries of everyday life; to see the whole of the person or experience and embrace what is good while releasing what doesn’t work.

His death profoundly changed my life.  I always made sure that I tell the ones I loved how much I love them, every time I see them, so I won’t regret not saying it if something were to happen.

Now I am watching as my father struggles to live out the rest of his life with a diagnosis of end stage cancer.  What strikes me is how it affects the people around him.

He, like the individuals identified above, seems to have let go of anger and is trying to both fight the cancer and focus on living experiences each day.  He has lived a very experience and accomplishment filled life.

The people around him seem to have so much anger.  They haven’t found their way to the importance of letting go of that anger, those left over resentments, and experiencing in the present moment what they have left.  To connect and laugh and resolve the unresolved issues; to make peace with the fullness and wholeness of their relationship with him.  To allow love, life, and peace to fill the time left.  It’s difficult to witness and get caught in the occasional crossfire of anger.

Perhaps it’s because they haven’t lost someone they really cared about before – they don’t realize the finiteness of this time.

In reality all our time is finite.  We each might find greater happiness if we could focus on our life as such, so that we could keep our focus more balanced.

Our lives are made up of our accomplishments, and they require an element of delayed gratification – waiting to do what you want while you are creating them.

But what also makes up our lives are experiences with people.  Connections and shared experiences are the most amazing memories when those we love are gone.  Sharing a sunset, a baseball game, a spiritual service, skiing, dinner, laughter, difficulties and joy.

These events build connections and are like threads through the tapestry of our lives. They provide color and content and a type of marker to keep us tethered while we move through our lives.

Balancing our focus on developing structure and doing and accomplishments with being and connecting and experiences is very important.  It requires being present, knowing what matters, being flexible and firm, having compassion, understanding rights and responsibilities, seeing figure and ground, and being mindful.

How we integrate cognitions and emotions, and the ways in which we reveal them to ourselves and others, is the fabric of our lives.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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finding forgiveness

Hello and Welcome!

Finding forgiveness is one of the single most difficult aspects of human interaction and personal growth.

It’s a search that takes us inside and out, around, and through so many aspects of our lives, our experiences and relationships.

In the Jewish tradition the time between Rosh Hashonah the New Year and Yom Kippur the day of Atonement, is a transition time to go within and search your soul. It’s not just atoning for transgressions, it’s also and firstly atoning with each other, and I think this is the genius of the transition time.

It’s like a time-cocoon to discover if there are events for which you need to ask forgiveness or people of whom you need to ask forgiveness and the most difficult task I think, to find your own forgiveness.

Ten days to review your last year and in some cases the years before that.  To avail yourself of the acts of letting go and forgiveness and transformation.  Ten days while working, playing, and living to find your way into the underworld and back.  It’s a large task.

In my experience there is a perfunctory approach to this, by many participating in the high holy-days in the jewish tradition, not because they do not take it seriously but rather because they are unable or unwilling to delve into those deep areas.

This is the most spiritual and enlightened aspect of this tradition – to make peace.  To actually create the world anew every year through this process of forgiveness.  It is mindfulness at it’s best.

  • A common style of dealing with hurts is to cut yourself off from the profound feelings that are attached to the pain you have endured.  This has its price too, it keeps you stuck in the past.
  • Unforgiveness leads to a diminishing of your personal power, a rigid world view and a truncated personality in relationship.  It leads to the opposite of mindfulness.
  • In order to forgive, that pain must be felt and then a resolution, an understanding, a paradigm shift needs to take place.  This action of forgiveness and shifting releases or unlinks the pain of the event, from the event and the actor.  With this new understanding, the outcome of the event, actor and experience can be put into proper perspective and into your past, freeing you to move on into the present moment of your life -> as if it is a new world.  Forgiveness releases you from a historical habit reaction pattern, especially in how you relate to another or others.  It allows you to engage in mindful present moment behavior, action and understanding.

To forgive another a deeply painful act, betrayal, or action is difficult.

To see, and accept responsibility for, how you have hurt another is also difficult.

These two actions are the intention of the Day of Atonement in the Jewish high holy day tradition, sometimes due to the difficulty in the task some simply state the words and make an internal promise to do better in the future.

For a real shift to take place, the spirituality behind the inner search is paramount and can result in transforming events.

How do you forgive someone for that act which in your mind changed you forever? Or even for betrayal of your trust or your sense of innocence?

Finding forgiveness requires grace.

It requires a willingness to let go of the thing that may define your stance in the world. It is fraught with deep feeling and an inner journey to your center.

Certainly paradigm shifting, figure/ground perspective, and the attitude of gratitude are helpful activities.  Mindfulness allows you to see a way to unlink the act and the person, the act and the circumstances surrounding the act, and the intention and the act.

But even with these unlinkings and increased awareness and perspective there are difficult betrayals and experiences to transcend in order to get to forgiveness.

This is especially true when the betrayal continues.  When the action requiring forgiveness continues.  For this kind of betrayal or transgression it is best to forgive the past and make an effort to change how and in what ways you continue the relationship in the now or the future.

Forgiveness, compassion, and acceptance are partners in this atonement procedure.  Some people you must forgive and accept that they may betray you again, due to their internal character.  Therefore you simply change how you relate to him or her in the future.  This releases the power of the betrayal and builds your resilience and compassion muscles.

This is part of the intended process, you make peace at this time the best you can and then move into the new world with as much faith as possible that the new world will remain.

It is an interesting and deeply educational process about yourself, others, and your humanity.  It increases your capacity for love, understanding, compassion, patience, forgiveness, and grace.  It may be that this is the gift to be given, the opportunity to develop these qualities within yourself to practice seeing others as self so that you can extend your empathy muscles

I keep finding forgiveness. And this transition time allows for  an opportunity to create peace and create the world anew.

You may want to create a structure for developing a formalized transition time to incorporate elements of this tradition to view and re-view your past year and develop the qualities of compassion, mindfulness, and forgiveness.

Attach it to a structure that is already part of your life.  Consider doing this on each new moon, or each full moon.  You can also attach it to the solstice or equinox periods.  You may have such a tradition in a spiritual practice you already follow.  However you choose to create a structure, the practice of reviewing your own acts or how you are holding onto unforgiveness will increase you capacity for living mindfully in the moment and experiencing healing in your relationships.

It may seem tedious and difficult at first, but the rewards are great and for the most part this ritual increases intimacy, connection and a sense of strength in ourselves and our relationships.  It is mindfulness at it’s best with a sense of grace that all things pass and move into well – being. Namaste, L’Shana Tova, in love and light, bg