Hello

Turning NO to ON isn’t just a trick of shifting the placement of letters, it’s a paradigm shift.  Responding and focusing with mindfulness in parenting can shift a child from NO to Yes and from Off to ON so that using mindfulness in interacting with your child can move your child from NO to ON.

Mindfulness integrates these two processes such that a quantum shift can occur moving the child out of obstructive, negative, stopped interactions into opportunities of Yes, an openness to learn, and being turned ON to the experience and thread of life.  It creates a path to move-through in an easy positive way.

Turning NO to ON through the perspective and action of mindfulness, to shift the child’s perspective, attitude and energy.  You are shifting the paradigms that organize how to act in a given situation.  The concept is about weaving and connecting in a new and upleveled way to shift the perspective and energy.

This is a whole new concept of how to BE with your child while guiding his behavior to create patterns that move him forward and upward toward his goals in a secure and empowering way.  It’s an evolution in consciousness.

If you think about how and where you get stuck in your own fears, blocked patterns, and limitations you can see how to shift your perspective and attitude.  This shift opens up a hidden path or way through your circumstance to a successful resolution.

This is what Turning NO to ON is about, using mindfulness and paradigm shifting as a way to navigate the sometimes stormy waters of parenting.

My new book Turning NO to ON:  The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness is a rich resource for developing your own skills at employing mindfulness in your personal development.  Then  through role-modeling you will be applying your new skills to your circumstances and parenting and guiding your child down a new internalized path of health and empowerment toward success.

I hope you get a chance to buy it and use it – and that it becomes your go-to resource for guiding your personal and parenting growth and success.

Let me know what you think, once you get a chance to read it.

See you tomorrow.

Beth

Hello

The thing that is so fascinating about figure ground perception is the fluidity in which our senses differentiate between figure and ground.  If you are watching TV and there are men working outside on the street – your hearing differentiates between the sound attributed to the work outside (background noise) and the TV audio of the storyline of the program you are watching.  Visually our eyes determine figure and background to make sense of portraits or any visual field.  For wine tasting, individuals distinguish between the background of the wine – dry or sweet, while identifying specific flavors attached to various herbs and fruits – clove, blueberries, or citrus.  This is built into our very complicated sensory system to assist us in negotiating life.

From a psychological perceptual perspective, figure-ground perception applies to paradigm shifting; the figure or foreground of something to which we pay attention or are bothered by and the ground or background of our own values paradigm or belief system.  Fluid shifting between figure and ground is required for negotiation, relationship and communication processing, and working-through in the therapeutic environment.

This concept was first applied with these terms to psychotherapy and health promotion by Fritz Perls in his book Gestalt therapy verbatim.  It has since been applied to business communication development in negotiation and communication in leadership training programs.  The common visual example of this is the vase (figure) and the two profiles surrounding the vase (background).  Escher drew many optical illusion pictures that show the transition from figure to ground.

When we understand that our style of being in the world is the background that moves us to act and believe in specific ways, we can then be open to shifting our perceptions such that we may have a flexible style of perceiving.  This keeps us open to new information as it presents itself.

The figure of our attention – the thing that pushes us forward or stops us in our tracks – is what causes us to shift our perception from ground to figure and allows for paradigm shifting.  The reason to develop the skill of paradigm shifting is to increase your capacity to respond in a full and present moment way to the events in your life to create your most successful path.

Attention, intention, perspective, and attitude all affect how we interpret the information stimuli that cross our path.

This idea of figure and ground and paradigm shifting offers a way in to the rich experience of perception available to human beings.  Perspective in relationship, interaction, development, and philosophy allows for the same degree of richness found with lens modification in photography.  There is so much more to really see, know, and understand.

Opening the lens opens your perspective in the richness of relationship, development, and understanding.  This style of being in the world allows for interaction across fields, innovation, collaboration, and true understanding.

To begin the process of paradigm identification and paradigm shifting you can begin by identifying figure and ground in your sensory environment.  Then you can apply the process to your interactions and your value and belief perceptions.

By doing this you can see there are many more places where you may agree with another than originally thought and you can have an increased understanding of another’s perspective.

See you tomorow.

Beth

Hello

Sleep-walking is an activity where an individual, usually in the middle of the night, gets up, walks around, talks, even interacts while seemingly awake but actually is asleep.  It is a strange experience for both the sleep-walker and the observer.

Incidents of sleep-walking may be described by the observer but  tend to not be available in the memory or wakeful experience of the sleep-walker.  It’s a bit scary, but for the most part harmless. It is understood that the sleep-walking individual is in a “hypnotic-like state”.  If fully awakened he will be surprised by his circumstance and deny the activities ascribed to him, as he has no memory of them.

I think the style in which people move through their lives, automatic and without conscious attention is quite similar.  People are pulled along by an habitual system and a lack of questioning acceptance.

It is as if they are sleep-walking through their lives.  In this way they are not wholly conscious of their behaviors, the effect of their behaviors and actions, or the foundation of their habitual reactions.  When they are questioned they respond similarly to the sleep-walking person in the middle of the night, denying they did the event ascribed to them.

In order to awake from this daytime sleep-walking state, a person needs to increase his awareness and attention to all situations in a mindful present moment fashion.

You cannot change your behavior until you are conscious of it.  First there needs to be an understanding that you are indeed sleep-walking.  This requires a detached perspective and a willingness to observe the whole of the situation.

Consider how you may not be fully conscious of your actions, and what you may need to do to wake up and fully respond in the moment to your life and situation.

The best way to see  if you may be in this kind of state is to notice the responses and behavior of those around you with whom you feel close, whom you trust.  If there is a bit of information or a snag between what you think and what you hear them saying, try to see if you can get into the present moment to get a full picture of what they are trying to communicate.  This can be painful.  This can be enlightening.

The idea is to awake to the full experience of living responsibly and ethically.

One of the things that impedes this is a group-mind.  This is the experience that you need to agree with the group perspective and not question whether it is a full and true representation of what is happening.  Often the group-mind has a set of true or real experiences that are interpreted in a way such that it supports a paradigm of thought but not necessarily a true representation of the situation or problem.

Group-mind requires agreement.  But mindfulness allows for understanding of the group-mind perspective while perceiving all the elements in the situation, so that a true understanding can result.

Group-mind requires daytime sleep-walking.

Mindfulness, perceiving fully in the present moment and then acting from that perspective is a way of staying awake and living in a responsive, mindful, ethical, fully connecting, and joyous way.

It reminds me of the line in the movie  Moonstruck – snap out of it! 

Life is full of so much stimuli and so many different paradigms that are inconsistent with each other, it seems like an onerous task to remain mindful – but in reality it is less difficult to simply be open to all the possibilities and calmly, with neutrality, lovingkindness, and compassion be open to perceiving the paradigms and shifting your perspective.

This mindfulness in the present moment is rejuvenating, freeing, and  empowering.  Holding on to past habitual reaction patterns is limiting, stagnating, and constricting, and a bit like sleep-walking through life – which feels better to you?

See you tomorrow.

Beth

Hello

In Buddhist thought there is something called pushing the river.

It relates to going with the flow.  When  a flowing river moves rapidly and with force, going against the flow, is not suggested; you use up all your energy fighting the force of the current and don’t get very far.  That is pushing the river, it brings discontent and is an unproductive use of energy.

Going with the flow allows for ease in movement, the river current glides you down without much effort on your part except to perhaps guide your way and avoid obstacles.

Flow and movement through life follows the same course.

An example of pushing the river in the flow of life occurs when the difficulty in flow is through delays or difficulties, and you get angry, anxious, and try to push through the problem.  Often the outcome is a complete block and non-movement with feelings of anxiety and frustration (inner feeling of being blocked).

Not pushing the river means accepting the delay and allowing the flow of the situation to Flow.  So if you are speeding in traffic and you keep getting red lights rather than speeding up to try to get to the green light, you slow to the pace of the cars, the flow, and through this you will begin to get the green lights.  It’s getting into sync.

Sometimes the delay is because of an attachment or an unmet expectation in that case communicating about what you want may result in you getting in sync, and that is like allowing the current to take you down the river while you guide your course and avoid obstacles.

Other times, no matter what you do the Flow is delay and interruption, in that case it is a mindset of pushing, that may need to shift to get into the flow.  This happens when you keep getting red lights and to get into the flow you relax and look for hawks in the sky or listen to music you like and trust that the situation is going to turn out ok.

To assess whether you are pushing the river, notice your attitude, feelings inside, and the energy around you.  Pushing the river is stifling, and generally carries a pushing and irritable or frustrated feeling.

Allowing, going with the flow, and getting in sync have in common the feeling of ease, comfort, and relaxation.

Being mindful, focusing on perception, and shifting paradigms as well as applying a compassionate lens are useful ways of being in the world to remain in the flow.

See you tomorrow.

Beth

Hello

Humor is the most useful tool in your bag of tricks when it comes to paradigm shifting.  It allows for the shift to be non-threatening.  It has the same energy as an epiphany but less drama.

Humor creates a conduit for the perception to be seen and released simultaneously.  This is especially true if you are attempting to assist someone, or yourself, in seeing an over-reaction.  Humor can help you see silliness in your thinking or behaving, without negative judgment.

I use humor all the time to shift energy.  It is the perfect response when I want to  lighten a situation that is getting too serious.  The seriousness can create a block to the needed shift.  It’s really helpful with children when you want to side-step a negative interaction that is steamrolling down a course to opposition and  a flat-out stalemate.  Using humor can result in an instantaneous shift in energy, especially if you choose just the right maneuver.

Laughing at ourselves when we need to lighten up is an important part of de-stressing, and it helps us get into a mindful state; it’s like a mini-paradigm shift into the humorous nature of events, that opens the doorway into real insight and epiphany.

The mindfulness component to humor is especially evident when used to deal with resistance.  Resistance can look like a NO or just a distraction; it can be really strong and obvious or just dawdling and delaying.  All of these actions can be a form of resistance and can interfere with the smooth flow of events.  Often resistance is actually a cover for something else that is underlying the situation.  This could be a way of dealing with unwanted pressure, or expectation, or structure that feels stifling, like our time schedules or an event we are required to attend.  By bringing humor into the equation you can uncover the cause of the resistance without getting into a power struggle with your child or the other person.  If it is your own resistance with which you are dealing than humor makes it more tolerable to look at yourself and your actions.

Humor lightens.  It makes the change feel less heavy or more obvious and it allows the shift to be embraced without negativity.  Lightening both the weighty-ness of making choices, decisions, and change as well as lightening with respect to increasing the degree of mirth, spirit, and luminosity involved in living and evaluating.

When my daughter was just working on moving from pre-team to team in gymnastics her energy changed.  Rather than being relaxed, attentive, self-confident, and strong, her intensity shifted; she started to be a little uptight and anxious about who was going to move up and where she was in the line-up of her peers in skill and talent.  She began to get discouraged and this affected her capacity to do the work.  She tried harder but it had the effect of making her too conscious so that she was pushing rather than allowing her skill to shine through. It resulted in her getting stuck.

I tried having a serious, mindful discussion about how her attitude was getting in the way, but she became adamant that she just couldn’t do it; “I can’t” she said.  I calmly and lovingly talked with her about how she needed to say “I can” because her words had power.  She said they only had power in one way if she said I can’t then she couldn’t but when she said I can it didn’t change the outcome.  She was trying to tell me how discouraged she was, but I wasn’t listening with my third ear (my inner mindfulness and attention), I just  kept on with my efforts to shift her perspective, describing how the “I can” made it a neutral space so her mind/body could work together to go through the motion of the skill with ease that she had been practicing.  I was talking to her rather than listening to her and responding, even though I thought I was being reasonable my efforts helped to create a block and she dug in her heels because she felt unheard and invalidated.  The more I tried to be calm, and mindful, and clarifying the more adamant, angry, and resistant she became, until we were at a block, a NO, a lost opportunity for learning.

Then I decided to explain how it worked by acting as her confused muscle that she was sending two messages to, one message of I want to do it, and the other message of I can’t. The result was a jerkiness that depicted her muscle trying to respond to both an action of follow through on the skill and an action of miss the skill.  When there are two opposing messages the wires get crossed and there isn’t any clarity about what action to take.  The inner confusion would assuredly result in a mis-step and diluted action/skill.   As I was describing this, in simpler terms, I acted it out,  with silly facial gestures and a crazy looking jerkiness of my arm.  It was so silly she spontaneously laughed out loud; I looked so silly that her first most natural reaction was to laugh and that broke up the energy so that she could both feel heard and listen to my explanation.

Through the use of humor, the words got in, then she had an opportunity to integrate the concepts.   The humorous picture also became a visual mantra/or visual imprint she could use to re-focus herself in the future, so that she could find her own neutral place and shift the energy when she felt discouraged.

It lightened everything.  It allowed for a paradigm shift, and it was a strong image that was beneficial in the future.  The next practice she moved with ease and self-confidence, she got her skill; and in her being was the memory of how funny her mom looked and the information behind the humorous action connected to it that you have to give one clear message and allow you natural ease to flow through.

So mindfulness needs a little mirth sometimes to get the job done.

Humor is a little tricky, it can really backfire when used incorrectly or at the wrong time.  This is especially true with certain ages that have a hypersensitivity to being laughed at.  In these circumstances it’s most useful to allow yourself to be the canvas or conduit for looking silly, allowing your child to laugh at you and through that, to see their own silliness, on their own and in their own time.  If you make the connection too quickly and they are not ready then you may find that you worsen the situation.

It takes a feel to know when to use humor and how, that ability to listen with your third (inner paying mindful attention) ear, in conjunction with knowing your child and what actions are covered messages.  When used efficiently humor is the most effective tool in your toolbox for shifting paradigms and getting to aha experiences.

Next time you feel your blood pressure beginning to rise, or you feel stuck in your interactions, apply a funny, humorous face to the situation.  See if you can create your own paradigm shift with humor.  The lightening up of the situation goes far to instill the needed information, and it does so with fun, ease, and efficiency.

See you tomorrow.

Beth

Hello

Habit reaction patterns define how we relate in the world.  They do so without our attention to them.  They pull us into ways of behaving like a rut pulls us around a circle.  The groove, furrow, or automatic routine of it takes us out into the behavior Habit like any reaction in an automatic, non-present-moment-thinking-way (unconscious).

This is not intuition.  This is the opposite of mindfulness behavior, which requires a present moment centeredness where information is experienced and processed in a thorough centered and multi-dimensional fashion.

Survivor scenarios are habit reaction patterns.  They are ways of being in the world where a trigger acts like the groove that pulls a person into a set of interpretations and actions (reactions) to survive.

This mechanism built into our style of being in the world is highly efficient in a dangerous environment; having the ability to automatically react in a split second fashion could save your life.  However, when these are applied to everyday choices in relationships and interactions that are perceived by way of the trigger as dangerous but are indeed not life-threatening, they form a set of behaviors that actually serve to negatively affect the individual engaging in them.

Survivor scenarios actually take on a number of forms depending on the function that set up the original scenario, the how mechanism to survive or what style developed to survive.  Protector, survivor, victim, persecutor are all forms of survivor scenarios.  They share the need for the other to define the self.  In order for an individual to define herself as a survivor she must continually create (by way of interpretation and attribution of specific intent) situations she must survive.  Thereby actually keeping herself caught in the web of the scenario.  This is true for each form of the scenarios.

In order to get out of the rut, groove, automatic routine, or habit reaction one has to invoke two things, a sense of present moment empowerment and mindfulness.  This is an attitude of a Thriver.

Thriving is doing more than surviving.  Surviving is good, as the alternative is not surviving, which is bad.  Thriving is even better – it is developing and focusing your life, actions, interactions, creations, and living toward your best potential and capabilities.

Where surviving is a function of creating the best situation possible out of a negative set of circumstances, thriving is a function of creating what you want.  Creating what you want out of all the possibilities in the universe, not just your current circumstances.

Being a survivor may be the best thing you ever did, and so it may be difficult for you to let it go.  You may feel like it is the thing that sets you apart from your peers.  The problem is it sets up an attachment to that style of being in the world, such that situations to which you are drawn will be primarily difficult and challenging, allowing you to continually, automatically, invoke the survivor mechanism to make lemonade out of lemons.

Being a thriver increases your actual responsibility to create what you want.  In order to do so you have to be willing to risk defining what you want and then creating the avenue to make that happen.  It sets you into an active rather than reactive mode.  Saying I want to make this happen in my life, rather than I can make this situation work to the best form.

Certainly having the skill to make a bad situation work until you can create a better one is laudable and to be maintained as a positive skill; however, it is not proactive unless connected with an attitude of focusing your efforts on creating a life that is thriving and reaching your best potential.

Here’s how to decipher if you are in a habit reaction pattern or survivor scenario.

Check in with your senses and intuition.  If you feel that the experience is familiar or a pattern then you may be participating in  a habit reaction scenario.  If you feel that you have trouble trusting that things can/will go well for you, then you may have a history of having to survive that is coloring your current day choices/actions.

If you have an immediate feeling of anger, like someone has crossed a boundary and your feeling is charged in that the level of emotion (intensity) doesn’t match the situation or boundary crossing, this is a sign that you have been triggered.

In this instance, proceed in your actions (re-action) with caution and by caution I am suggesting to invoke mindfulness and centered, present moment attention to the situation, to literally work against the pull of the groove into the habit reaction pattern.

This is how you can engage the thriver attitude.

Focus is the key.  If you are in danger, utilizing your survivor skills to get out of the situation is paramount.  If you are not in danger but rather caught in a survivor scenario then focusing your attention on what you want rather than what you fear is the best response.

Using mindfulness to re-view the circumstances in relation to your emotion will help you identify whether this is danger or not.  In example, if a stranger is doing something that feels dangerous allow your survivor reactions to move at lightning pace.  If however, the situation is with a loving partner, or friend – you need to view your emotion within the context of the relationship in present-time and with clarity and genuineness.

Here’s how you can develop a thriver attitude.

It requires a focus on what you want.

It requires a re-view of yourself through a centered, mindful attention to yourself, your skills and limitations, what brings you joy and centers you in your best self.

This focus allows the possibility of creating what you want from all the possible choices available to you.  This is a difficult concept to grock for a person who has defined herself as a survivor.

This paradigm shift allows for a relaxation of the struggle to survive or fight and a gentle movement into the mindful, balanced living of life.

May you Thrive!

See you tomorrow.

Beth

Hello

Instinctive knowing incorporates spirit, mind, and body awareness and experiences, with attention centered along the space-time continuum, in the present moment; Intuition and sensing, together in balance, centered in time.

In studying the  Kabbala I have found something congruent with this idea and clarifying the issue of knowledge and instinctive knowing as integrated and guided by spirit at it’s core.

The Kabbala (Kabbalah, Qabbalah, Qabala) is a set of esoteric teachings.  It is a set of writings and texts that exist outside the traditional Jewish scriptures, but it is attributed to be a part of the Jewish religious tradition.  The Kabbala is represented by a set of branches sephirot, drawn as circles connected by lines in a specific order. This symbol is referred to as The Tree of Life.  

The texts seek to define the nature of the universe and the human being, the nature and purpose of existence, and various other ontological questions. It also presents methods to aid understanding of these concepts and to thereby attain spiritual realization.

Altogether 11 sephirot are named. However Keter and Da’at are unconscious and conscious dimensions of one principle, conserving 10 forces. Presented here are the names of the Sephirot in descending order:

(Think of these as going from most insubstantial in energy to most substantial.)

• Keter (crown, representing above-conscious will)
• Chochmah (The highest potential of thought – intuition)
• Binah (the understanding of the potential – knowledge)
• Da’at (intellect  or cystalization of knowledge – instinctive knowing)
• Chesed (sometimes referred to as Gedolah-greatness) (loving-kindness)
• Gevruah (sometimes referred to as Din-justice or Pachad-fear) (severity/strength)
• Rachamim or Tiphareth (Mercy – Love, acceptance)
• Netzach (victory/eternity)
• Hod (glory/splendour)
• Yesod (foundation)
• Malkuth (kingdom)

These ten (11) sephirot can be viewed as a process of ethics.  Studying the sephirot will allow the individual to increase BOTH his spiritual consciousness and his spiritually ethical action in the physical plane.

It is viewed that Divine creation by means of the Ten Sefirot is an ethical process. The sephirot represent the different aspects of Morality and they hold within them the opportunity for both the virtue as well as the vice attributed to each branch.

Balance is the key.  Utilizing intuition and sensation knowledge, and centered in time, one can develop a balanced experience and knowledge of these branches.

In example, Loving-Kindness is a possible moral justification found in Chesed, and Gevurah is the Moral Justification of Justice and both are mediated by Mercy which is Rachamim. However, these pillars of morality become immoral once they become extremes. Lovingkindness is the Virtue.  When Loving-Kindness become extreme it can lead to sexual depravity and lack of Justice to the wicked, the vice.  When Justice becomes extreme, it can lead to torture and the murder of innocents and unfair punishment.

In the Kabbalistic view, “Righteous” humans (Tzadikim) ascend these ethical qualities of the Ten Sefirot by doing righteous actions. If there were no “Righteous” humans, the blessings of God would become completely hidden, and creation would cease to exist. While real human actions are the Foundation (Yesod) of this universe – kingdom (Malhut), these actions must accompany the conscious intention of compassion.

Compassionate actions are often impossible without Faith (Emunah), meaning to trust  that Source always supports compassionate actions. Ultimately, it is necessary to show compassion toward oneself too in order to share compassion toward others. When one empowers oneself through this development to assist others, one is following an important aspect of Restriction, and this is considered a kind of Golden Mean in Kabbala, corresponding to the Sefirah of Adornment (Tiferet) and being part of the Middle Column.

In the Kabbala there are different branches for understanding, knowledge, awareness, and knowing.  These culminate in the explanation of the sefirah of Da’at. Da’at can be viewed as the crystallization of awareness.

In the Kabbalistic Tree of Life, when counting the 10 sefirot, Da’at is the tangible form of Keter,and so can be counted with Keter.

Keter is the crown, knowledge as an emanation from Source, and Da’at is the experience of man – specifically experienced knowledge – knowledge from the point of view of the human being and his or her accumulated experiences.

Chochmah is intuition and Binah is understanding or the ability to grasp concepts, and Da’at is knowledge, the accumulation of experience.  In other words there are three ways in which a person knows the function of the mind or of consciousness:  1/through the intuitive grasp of Chochmah, through, 2/ through the analytical powers of Binah, and 3/through the accumulation of ones experiences, known as ones Da’at.

Da’at is sometimes drawn with a dotted-line underneath the crown Keter, somewhat in between Chochmah and Binah.  Keter, as the emanation of knowing, is the most insubstantial.  For our purposes, Chochmah – intuition, Binah – 5 senses, body and mind, and Da’at – the accumulation of experiences – time, offer together an experience of instinctive knowing, balancing spirit, mind, and body.

How these are translated into our ethical actions in the physical plane is how we enact our spiritual consciousness balancing spirit, mind, and body knowing and awareness.  It can be a product of studying and understanding the various consciousness of the sephirot of the Kabbalistic Tree of Life.  However this is not the only Way.

Living mindfully is a great resevoir for development of your higher consciousness, your true self and The Way.

May you find your Way and be in Joy.

See you tomorrow.

Beth

Hello

Working with the idea of 4th dimension, space and time, is a way of thinking about what happens when you are shifting paradigms.

Immanuel Kant in his Critique of Pure Reason developed a concept of transcendental philosophy.  In Kant’s view, a priori intuitions and concepts provide us with some a priori knowledge which also provides the framework for our a posterior knowledge.  His theory about space-time is fascinating as to how it relates to the 4th dimension.  Space and time for Kant are a form of perceiving, together, and causality is a form of knowing.  From his perspective both space and time and our conceptual principles and processes pre-structure our experience.

This develops the idea that paradigms and paradigm shifting are a product of perceiving and then introspectively knowing.

For Kant things as they are in themselves are unknowable.  In his view for something to become an object of knowledge, it must be experienced, and experience is structured by our minds – both space and time being the forms of our intuition, or perception, and the unifying, structuring activity of our concepts.  These aspects of mind turn things in themselves into the world of experience – so that they can be known.

For me, seeing in 4-d is viewing with your five senses plus intuition, and the concept of time as represented by the now, past, and future; 2/  recognizing how interpretations in time affect the future; and 3/  noting how changing those interpretations actually CHANGES reality.

Mindfulness increases ones capacity to see in 4-D.  I think of mindfulness as a concept that includes spirit, mind, and body responses integrated with information to guide our actions and cognitions, in the space-time continuum of the NOW.

Our minds are full with a focus on perception, attention, perspective, intention, and time.  These are the foci that allow us to see in 4-d – giving space for figure/ground perspective and paradigm shifting.

For me, intuition provides a blink response, as described by Malcolm Gladwell in this book by the same name. A cue that there is something wrong or right.  It allows for us to integrate our observations of our sensing system with our knowledge to guide us.  The blink quality may allow for this integration to come to us as a whole (what Fritz Perls defined as a Gestalt) and in an instant.

Emotions are not knowings in and of themselves, they are triggers, or responses – it may be a trigger to alert us that there is someone crossing our boundaries like an internal sensing alarm system, or they may be emotional triggers to survivor scenarios, or responses as a posterior knowledge.

Viewing emotions as experiences but not knowings assists one in determining how to respond to an emotion.  A good example is Feeling sorry for oneself it can erode at our being in an insidious way but is not always rooted in a reality.  Recognizing that perceptions and experiences can be temporal but not necessarily real or factual can assist one in seeing in 4-D and remaining centered in ones life.

If you find yourself feeling defensive, angry or feeling poor me, assess whether the feeling is part of a habit reaction pattern or a trigger OR an accurate assessment of something happening in the present moment.  Sometimes these feelings are cues about how what is happening now is akin to something historical that needs to be addressed.  When the feeling is nagging and bothersome rather than intense and loud then it may be indicative of a problem if it feels reactive and loud then it may be more of a habit reaction pattern or trigger.  This is counterintuitive.   You can make a comparison of history event and the now event, to discern which is in play.

Mindfulness is a concept of utilizing one’s emotional sensory guidance system, and physical sensing system and the Fullcapacity of our cognitive and problem solving skills to evaluate situations and experiences in order to create and guide our way.  This is seeing in 4-D and allows for a unifying and flexible style of relating in the world.

Seeing in 4-D increases one’s capacity for centeredness and groundedness with flexibility and strength.

See you tomorrow.

Beth

Hello

Have you ever had to wait for something you really wanted?  Okay, everyone has.

It’s hard.  It takes all your internal energy to remain excited but calm, available but not pushy, energetic but not anxious.

It’s especially hard when it is something that you have attached a lot of meaning to – like being asked to marry – you want it SO bad and yet you have to wait, and trust and allow – it’s challenging.

Well for children almost anything they want has this energy.  Playing Wii or Xbox, watching their favorite TV show, playing their favorite game or getting a special toy, it all feels this intensely attractive and pressing.  As parents and teachers we sometimes miss the intensity of our children’ and students’ experiences.

Teaching patience requires looking for the positives in waiting.

This can be challenging if you go about it in the typical fashion of costs and benefits, especially if you are dealing with a person who doesn’t naturally have a tendency to delay gratification.  But if you can be creative and even change your perspective this can shift the energy to identify some beneficial aspects of waiting or delays.

Certainly the better we model it, the more likely we will be able to transmit the gift of patience.

I think some people’s brains are hard-wired for delayed gratification.  They have little trouble with waiting and developing patience.  These individuals can hang out, re-focus and set aside, that internal nagging feeling of I Want It NOW.

They create a hierarchy of goals.  They break up the main issue into smaller more easily attainable goals so that they don’t actually feel like they are waiting – they are just moving along the path.

If you are one of these people, you do not have to continue reading, unless you are raising someone who is the opposite of you, then you should continue.

The people whose brains are hard-wired for impatience, they just can’t let it go.  They are like little ever-ready-bunnies moving in circles of thought – I want it now, unable to still their thoughts and beings.

Waiting for this population is excruciating.  Even when they make an effort to exert patience they cannot last for very long.  Their experience of time is more intense than the individuals who are hard-wired for delayed gratification.

Okay so here are some of the tricks for helping these individuals.

Don’t offer a reward of something they really want, for good behavior.  They’ll be unable to hold it together long enough to get the reward, because they get stuck thinking about the reward rather than the action required to get the reward.  They want it so bad they can’t think of anything else, so you will get the opposite of what you are trying to create.

These children are better to be rewarded when acting properly rather than offered a carrot.

Building structure for your child, and connecting behavior and outcome, increases a person’s ability for patience, waiting, and delayed gratification.  The structure identification helps the child center himself in his world so that the intensity of waiting can be neutralized.

Set up a simple structure make it into a rhyme or into a song they already know so that it can be recalled effortlessly and quickly.  This way they can begin to develop an inner structure that is accessible to them.  ie:  for an elementary school child, put your name and the date on your paper and read the instructions before you begin – in a tempo that is already in their mind.

Say it over and over until it is second nature to think of at the beginning of homework.

If your child has difficulty with overstimulation in stores, wanting everything that strikes his fancy, the best way to avoid trouble is to set up what is expected and what consequences will happen if expectations are not met.

“I know you can be overstimulated by all the toys and fun things in the store.  Today we are not buying any new items for you.  If you see something you can point it out to me, or write it down for a future shopping trip when we are purchasing toys.”  Or you can say “today we are buying one item for you in the store for this amount of money.”  Then you can add the above about how to deal with wanting of several things and how to create a structure about this.

Continue with your set up to identify what will happen if your child continues to ask for a toy or more items than you have agreed to purchase – “no toy/item will be purchased if you continue to ask for something or ask for more”.  In some cases you may say that you will immediately leave the store if your child cannot control his impulses.

Think about this as to whether this more negatively affects you or your child and do not set this up if it interferes with your needs in the store – ie:  you are buying necessary groceries.

After setting up the expectations for behavior and the consequences, ask your child to repeat to you his understanding of these.  Then as you go through the store provide positive reinforcement as your child is correctly following the expectations.  “I notice how well you are behaving in the store.”  “Do you need some paper and a pencil to write down your ideas?”  “You are doing a good job.”

Re-direct your child and remind him of the expectations and consequences when he begins to lose focus.  Repeat the plan enough times that it becomes something that he can complete on his own when he is re-directed by you.

This will allow him to develop an inner structure, connecting his behavior with the outcome.  This results in a sense of empowerment and that has the effect of neutralizing the intensity of wanting and waiting.

Additionally if you have set up that he will get a toy/item at a future visit, try to connect that visit to the previous work by for example bringing the paper with the identified items so that he can choose something from it, or from a new visit.

If you are setting up a set of consequences use this rhyming or song template.  ie:  I make a request nice the first time, sternly the second time and I get angry and take away a toy the third time.

Say it a number of times without consequence.  This gives the child a practice time where no toy is removed but the information is repeated at the second request.  After awhile the child knows the third step and can redirect his behavior himself at step two before there is a complete breakdown.

This is teaching him how to see the future, connect his behavior with outcomes, and develop a sense of empowerment because he can avert the consequence.  Structure and empowerment together are the key.

Try these simple strategies to help to create structure and support in waiting.  Patience and delay gratification will follow.

See you tomorrow.

Beth