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Category Archives: personal development category


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meditation and mindfulness, your mind’s natural anti-anxiety for attentional problems

Hello

Anxiety can feel like an internal restlessness, an irritability, a desire to avoid something and a need to distract yourself from what is in your senses, emotions,  mind, and thoughts.  It splits your focus and your energy.

This can be a conscious set of activities or an unconscious one.  It can look to another as if you are distracted, bored, inattentive, irritable, disagreeable and sometimes hyperactive.  Due to this, anxiety in children can be confused with ADD and when hyperactivity is present treated with a number od different medications.  For individuals wanting to keep their children free of medications I encourage you to look at how to decrease your child’s anxiety or stress reactions through structure, compassion development of mindfulness activities and meditation.

Attention is a combination of focus, interest, and energy.  There are neural pathways involved in attention that incorporate emotion (interest, focus, and energy)  the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala, and the hippocampus.  The frontal and parietal lobes assist with memory, attention, and behavior.  These pathways can be excited by overuse, overstimulation, and create problems with mediating fearful, anxiety provoking situations.  Some of these fearful states can be as simple as test anxiety, anxiety in social situations,  and intense worry in young children who are sensitive.

Gestalt looks at this anxious activity as a way to keep yourself out of a present moment state and uses various techniques to get you into the present.  For the most part, much of Gestalt therapy is the development and use of mindfulness.

Anxiety defined in Gestalt therapy is having your attention focused in the past or the future, with rumination about what has happened in a circulatory way or what might happen, what if, in a circulatory way.  These actions keep a person out of the present where he has actual power to make decisions and take actions. These actions are distracting and in general the person looks unfocused, bored, inattentive, restless, and defiant.  Mindfulness and meditation are present moment activities that help to quell anxiety and refocus the person’s attention.

Actions and connections in the brain happen quickly and sometimes an individual may not be aware of feeling anxious – they may feel irritable, restless, or bored but not know the etiology of their feelings.  When this happens with children, teachers and parents often respond by being more firm providing consequences for the inattention – if the lack of focus is related to anxiety then this normal response from parents or teachers can exacerbate the problem within the child and increase his anxiety resulting in more negative behavior on the part of the child.

Creating space for downtime, lengthening transition time, attending to the child’s physical stressors of sleep, nourishment (both physical and emotional) and exercise ( lack of or too much), and teaching mindfulness and meditation tools to your child are your best antidotes to anxiety and inattention.

This is true whether the underlying issue is social anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, attention deficit disorder or hyperactivity.  Structure, connection, mindfulness, and meditation all allow the child to move into the center of his world so that he can increase his internal sense of power and see from a neutral perspective.  This moves your child into a present moment so that it is virtually impossible to feel anxiety since anxiety is connected to past- or future-time concerns.  It increases the down cycle of your child’s brain so that he can incorporate new learning and integrate old information with new information – the required cycling of the brain is intense focus and down cycling for incorporation.

1.  Set up a routine for sleep, rest, exercise, and nourishment that is reasonable for your child and predictable.

2.  When transitioning from play to work wakefulness to sleep – (and vice versa), and intense activities make sure you create 20 to 30 minutes of transition time – longer when the next activity is anxiety provoking for your child.

3. Know your child.  Educate yourself on the specific symptoms your child has developed to telegraph his anxiety.  Educate him on these too.

4.  Develop specific strategies for your child to use to manage his anxiety when he notices one of his triggers or symptoms.  I.E.:  focused breathing, visualization techniques, journaling to release fears and increase opportunities for reality testing (paradigm or perspective shifting), meditation, mindfulness, and changing his environment to shift his energy.

5.  Engage other caregivers to assist your child in utilizing these strategies.

6.  Maintain clear boundaries with fair and loving, compassionate consequences.

If you have a child who has been diagnosed with ADD and is being treated with medication but still has attentional issues it may be that the medication is assisting your child with his anxiety through the “frontal lobe putting ‘reins’ on the amygdala…”  This is only covering the possible underlying etiology of the inattentive behavior and under stressful circumstances your child’s anxiety and negative behavior will recur.  According to Srini Pillay a psychiatrist and author of  Life Unlocked:  7 Revolutionary Lessons to Overcome Fear (2010).  He suggests:

1. Ask yourself: If anxiety were the culprit, what would the reason be?
2. Have you tucked away any fears that you don’t know how to deal with?
3. Do you avoid situations to avoid anxiety?
4. Are you “tolerating” anything in your life, and if so, what?
5. What are your greatest unfulfilled desires and how could your dissatisfaction about this be impacting you?

If you write down brief answers to these questions, you will be well on your way to understanding the possible unconscious anxiety in your brain. If you work with a professional, ask them about his, and check to see if treating the anxiety restores your attention. Exploring this possibility in the longer term is usually what helps people find a way to deal with the anxiety. Remember, anxiety is really just “electrical energy” gone haywire in your brain. The best way to deal with random electrical energy is to make sure you are “grounded” and to make sure that there is an appropriate channel through which it can flow.

It may well be that your attention deficit disorder is actually an anxiety excess disorder. Consider this carefully before deciding on your strategy. Taking a little extra time to explore this may be worth the wait.  Srini Pillay  (2010)

Emotion, memory, attention and experience are all interconnected.

Mindfulness, meditation, and structuring your life to allow for physical and emotional nourishment, and the natural cycle of stimulus and downtime for integration will assist you and your child to deal with the complexities and stressors in life that can cause anxiety and a lack of focus.

These suggestions are helpful for adults and children struggling with inattention, distraction, lack of motivation, and moodiness that may be indicative of internal anxiety.

Practicing mindfulness, meditation, compassionate, neutral paradigm shifting to access an internal centeredness allows you to create balance within so that your response to your environment can be balanced.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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Evolution of consciousness II

Hello

The concept of evolving ones consciousness in an intentional, distinct, and proactive method is what therapy offers from my perspective.

And doing this process can shift your spiritual consciousness to perceive the balance of spirit, mind, and body brings about the highest degree of health, prosperity and love.

The multi-level shift in consciousness allows for you to align your actions, behaviors and statements to your inner and uncensored values.

As you become aware of your feelings, your paradigms, your values and your actions you may have the opportunity to evolve your consciousness, shift your perceptions and your actions, so that in essence you are living in a completely different world.  The issue of awareness is subtle and profound.  It is not simply awareness on a sensory level but also cognitively and mindfully.

Our consciousness is our awareness on a physical wakefulness arena as well as our multilevel understanding of time and space the concept of dimensions.  Individuals who are able to have a consciousness of information or events in a time prior to them occurring are living in a dimension that includes time on a continuum; 4th, 5th or 6th dimensional awareness is another type of consciousness.

Alignment means acting or speaking in ways that portray your spiritual, moral, and perceptual values.  Sometimes called core values.

So when you are developing your mindfulness, and applying this to your actions, thinkings, and perceptions you are actually shifting your consciousness.  You are changing your perceptual world both subjectively and objectively, as well as changing how you interact with your environment and the people with whom you relate.

This is an evolution of consciousness that takes the form of a spiral inner and then outer.  First you observe a shift, then you internalize this observation, and then instantaneously you feel an internal shift that guides your outer movements and behavior.

Visualization and mindful meditation are effective tools to elucidate your core values.  These also are excellent tools to begin to create new patterns in how you relate in the world.

A visualization is a type of meditation that incorporates an inner picture of what you are either trying to shift or to create.  You begin the visualization process by going into a light meditative and peaceful state.

Using your breath you can consciously calm and balance your conscious awareness and being. Remember when you begin a meditation you want to make your inhalations shorter than your exhalations. Breathing in for a count of five and then breathing our for a count of seven is a good start.  The visualization part is what you see on the inner plane; what you put your attention to in a visual way; like seeing a beach or a special scene of some sort.

To use a visualization to shift your perspective you may use the internal feeling you get from viewing a picture of someone with whom you have a supportive, compassionate, forgiving and loving relationship to shift your experience of another negative, difficult person or  situation.

Firs, gaze upon the face of the one with whom you have the positive internal feelings, and sensory awareness.  Once, you are firmly experiencing this individual’s love and kindness you can replace the image with the problem person or situation.  The loving feeling or sensory experience from the first person can elicit a feeling of compassion, lovingkindness or forgiveness in you so that you can see the other from a different perspective.  The will allow you to have a shift in our consciousness of that person so that you can more effectively and less harmfully (personally) deal with that person or situation.

Another nice way to use visualization is to picture the shift in the person or situation; for example if you are feeling unheard by another you can go into a meditative state and picture the other person listening to you.  This helps to clear the negative imbalance around the event.  If you are feeling lost you can use the visualization to experience finding your way.

This turning the problem upside down offers a paradigm shift and the viewing of the change offers a change within your sensory experience and consciousness.

Visualization and mindful meditation offer effective strategies for shifting your awareness and evolving your consciousness.

These are intentional, distinct, and proactive method self-directed methods for releasing trauma,  shifting paradigms, and smoothing out habitual reactions.  is what therapy offers from my perspective.  These processes can shift your spiritual consciousness and increase sense of oneness and connection to others and our environment in a positive, way.

This shift in consciousness allows for you to align your actions, behaviors and statements to your inner core values;  shifting your perceptions and your actions, so that in essence you are living in a completely different world.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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the evolution of consciousness: I

Hello

So I have been thinking about how consciousness, phenomenology, mindfulness, and paradigm shifting interface.

Through phenomenology, awareness, and mindfulness, paradigms become identified and can shift.  This shifting shifts our perspective and awareness as well as how we feel about something.  As perspective shifts ones feelings about a situation shifts and as our feelings shift our perspective shifts – so that each can affect the other.

Consciousness then shifts through this process – our consciousness as related to our awareness.  This is a multilevel event.  So that as we become aware of our feelings, our paradigms, our values and our actions we may have the opportunity to evolve our consciousness – shift our perceptions and our actions.  The issue of awareness is subtle and profound.  It is not simply awareness on a sensory level but also cognitively and mindfully.

So when you are developing your mindfulness, and applying this to your actions, thinkings, and perceptions you are actually shifting your consciousness.  You are changing your perceptual world both subjectively and objectively.

This is an evolution of consciousness that takes the form of a spiral inner and then outer.  First you observe a shift, then you internalize this observation, and then instantaneously you feel an internal shift that guides your outer movements and behavior.

So if consciousness is defined this way:

Consciousness  a noun, is defined as 1.  The state or condition of being conscious.  2.  A sense of one’s personal or collective identity, including the attitudes, beliefs, and sensitivities held by or considered characteristic of an individual or group: Love of freedom runs deep in the national consciousness.  3.  Special awareness or sensitivity: class consciousness; race consciousness.  4.  Alertness to or concern for a particular issue or situation: a movement aimed at raising the general public’s consciousness of social injustice.  And 5.  In psychoanalysis, the conscious

Or from Wikipedia this way:

Consciousness is a term that refers to the inter-relationship between the mind the world with which it interacts; awareness that is subjective in nature, a sense of selfhood; the ability to feel or experience wakefulness, and the executive control system of the mind.  The origin of the modern concept of consciousness is often attributed to John Locke’s Essay Concerning Human Understanding – (Locke, 1960).  Locke defined consciousness as “the perception of what passes in a man’s own mind.

The literary author William James is usually credited with popularizing the idea that human consciousness flows like a stream, in his Principles of Psychology (1890). According to James, the “stream of thought” is governed by five characteristics: “(1) Every thought tends to be part of a personal consciousness. (2) Within each personal consciousness thought is always changing. (3) Within each personal consciousness thought is sensibly continuous. (4) It always appears to deal with objects independent of itself. (5) It is interested in some parts of these objects to the exclusion of others”.

A similar concept appears in Buddhist philosophy, expressed by the Sanskrit term Citta-saṃtāna, which is usually translated as mindstream or “mental continuum”. In the Buddhist view, though, the “mindstream” is viewed primarily as a source of noise that distracts attention from a changeless underlying reality.

For our purposes the mindtream is anything that is ongoing as in consciousness attention or awareness.

Stream of consciousness writing offers the experience of being within the person’s perception of events – in his mind or thoughts.  In psychological counseling this type of journaling allows a person to see or review how he experiences another or a situation and recognize habitual reactions that are not useful.  It is a form of writing meditation that allows for a shift in perspective or an internal paradigm shift.

And phenomenology is defined:

Phenomenology is a method of inquiry that attempts to examine the structure of consciousness in its own right, putting aside problems regarding the relationship of consciousness to the physical world. This approach was first proposed by the philosopher Edmund Husserl, and later elaborated by other philosophers and scientists.  Husserl’s original concept gave rise to two distinct lines of inquiry, in philosophy and psychology. From a philosophical perspective phenomenology has largely been devoted to fundamental metaphysical questions, such as the nature of intentionality (“aboutness”). From a psychological perspective, phenomenology largely has meant attempting to investigate consciousness using the method of looking inward or introspection;  looking into one’s own mind and reporting what one observes. This method fell into disrepute in the early twentieth century because of grave doubts about its reliability.

The methods of phenomenology are simply a type of mindful meditation.  Very useful in reviewing one’s behavior and what causes one to act in a specific way.

Introspectively, the world of conscious experience seems to have considerable structure. Immanuel Kant, a phenomenologist, asserted that the world as we perceive it is organized according to a set of fundamental “intuitions”, which include object (we perceive the world as a set of distinct things); shape; quality (color, warmth, etc.); space (distance, direction, and location); and time.

I have written about this as seeing in 4-D.

Then it is through these processes that we develop our sense of self, time, place in the world, goals, and success/failures.  The idea of mindfulness then is using these processes to assist you in your own internal development to meet external goals and aspirations which change as you focus your mindfulness, incorporate shifting paradigms, and respond to the world in the present moment.

Despite the large amount of information available, the most important aspects of perception remain mysterious. A great deal is known about low-level signal processing in sensory systems, but the ways by which sensory systems interact with each other, with “executive” systems in the frontal cortex, and with the language system are very incompletely understood. At a deeper level, there are still basic conceptual issues that remain unresolved.

Mindfulness is about working with the energy of your perspective and then shifting that perspective to see anew.  It can have this universal quality wherein the individual becomes increasingly interconnected in his or her understanding of others.  Through this it can lead to what the Buddhists refer to as the One.  That what we do to others we do to ourselves; that other and self are not divisible and so that 2 plus 2 equal not 4 but One.

The evolution of ones own consciousness is about shifting not only your perspective but how you perceive and enact your values.

This is a powerful thing.

If consciousness can evolve, then this evolution can be effected through meditation and mindfulness.

How to do this and what shifts your perception and leads to the evolution of consciousness?  More to come in Evolution of Consciousness II.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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Follow your bliss and the universe will open…

Hello

I have been considering what it means to be a leader.  Leadership is about having the ability to see and know the answer and be able to communicate the solution to a problem.

It is also about power and energy.

There are positive leaders who negotiate power from an interior source and there are negative leaders who negotiate power from an exterior source.

When you can ascertain a solution quickly, you feel an internal sense of ‘rightness”, and can communicate it efficiently – then you have power for others to listen to you, and you will be able to be a positive leader.

It is not the leadership in and of itself that will result in success or well-being.  Leading toward something of value is a key component to making a difference in a way that is seen as a positive leader – this is the energetic component of leadership and power.  Negative leaders have lost their internal sense of bliss and joy and are focused on the enticing allure of power in and of itself.

We all can remember a leader in our childhood who, had power, quick thinking and a powerful style of motivating the group; but only some of those individuals focused their energy onto a meaningful and successful path.  Some got lost in the effervescence of power itself.  Their charm and ease in directing the group made it so they lost their way and got caught up in the power – like a swirl of rapid that just circles around and in on a rock rather than moving the water down the river.

This stuck energy can be hypnotizing  It circles and feels so strong that one doesn’t notice they aren’t actually going anywhere, just circling in this feeling of power with no result or movement toward a goal. Individual’s caught in this find that others move on and they are stuck in the same position.  Much like a leaf caught in a swirl rapid around a great boulder in the river, swirling forever in the same place with great force and energy but getting nowhere.

How to get out of such a situation?

First, it’s important to recognize your circumstance.

Second, you have to focus your energy to not follow the current and truly shift your energy and focus.  When you’re stuck the best way out is like jumping the curve.  And the most effective way to do that is to discern your inner and undeniable bliss – if that is what you follow rather than that feeling of power then you will shift the current such that you can be guided out of the whirlpool and into the true current of life and life energy.

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls – Joseph Campbell.

If you have been acting and behaving in ways to gain power but are pulling yourself away from your central sense of joy then you are not following your bliss.  You may be caring for others and giving energy to many in a sense of obligation and love but you may have incorrectly identified that your goal was to give away your power in this way to feel powerful.  This will ultimately deplete you, tie the other to you as they think they need you to survive, and create a whirlpool of energy that disallows true movement along the river of energy and life.

How can you ascertain this is what is happening?

Are you energized or depleted in your energy?  Does your energy fall deeply and do you feel exhausted when you receive disapproval?  Do you feel you rarely have time to focus on your own goals and are you often feeling pulled away when you do focus on your goals?  Do you feel that you are not the guide of your own path?

The first question is one of the most important questions.  This lack of energy, a sense of depletion, exhaustion, depression, and inner sadness or loss can indicate a long-standing focus away from your internal sense of bliss.

How to find you bliss.  Seems funny but some people have lost their internal knowing of bliss.  They don’t know or remember what brings them joy.  They are focused without instead of within.  The answer is to go within, to be still, to listen, to observe and pay attention to energy.  When your energy wanes you are moving away from your bliss – when your energy swells and grows you are moving toward or with your bliss, allowing it to guide you.

So to get out of the whirlpool of swirling circular energy that simply depletes you – you need to first identify your circumstance.  Observe what brings you energy and what depletes you.  Identify the activities that increase your internal sense of well-being and inner joy.  Then once you notice these patterns begin to adjust your life course so that what guides you is your bliss.  This may be identified as a single activity or a more diverse set of connected activities.  These will have some value and internal connection within you and they will increase your sense of vitality.

Once you have discerned this then you can begin to redirect your energy and behavior so that you are led by your bliss and in turn lead others in the direction of well-being and their bliss.

For some their response to your changes will be negative and fearful.  This is simply a fear based response because they have not yet connected to their bliss. Kindly, gently redirect them away from feeding off your energy.  Encourage them to discern their circumstance and find their inner bliss.

Following your bliss opens your world to so many beautiful opportunities, it increases your energy, and brings joy and well-being to yourself and those you love.  It is the way of mindful, loving leadership toward fulfillment, success, and peace.  It is empowering and powerful in the most enlightening way.

In bliss….love and light…

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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Balancing the Power Differential in relationship

Hello

One of the biggest impediments to having a healthy meaningful relationship is an unequal distribution of power between the parties.  It can set up an undercurrent of resentment and power plays that inhibit trust and intimacy.

The way in which power is measured in relationship varies.  In marriages, money and decision-making on how it is spent, sex and how leisure time is distributed, and feeling a sense of collaboration or division of tasks are all areas of power distribution.  Even how a relationship proceeds has to do with an agreement on how power is shared in the relationship.  These features and equations, in general, determine how power is divided and determines the power differential.  Some of these issues can be applied to work partnerships and friendships.

If the differential is too great or not consistent with internal expectations there will be conflict and strife that could upset the continuity, fiber, and longevity of the relationship.

When talking about power the definition has to do with an internal sense of empowerment in the style and course of the relationship as well as the capacity to get done that which the individual feels is necessary or important to the relationship and/or individual.  This includes an internally consistent picture of self by the other.  In other words if I perceive myself to be talented and strong and my partner treats me in a fashion that exhibits that his picture of me is that I am talented and strong – then that is an internally consistent picture of self by the other.

A sense of feeling empowered would consist of a sense of joy, contentment, and strength; together this would feel like a sense of inner control.  In this instance the person would experience  that his values are valued by his partner and that he has the ability to direct his life accordingly.  A sense of feeling unempowered or disempowered would consist of a sense of disillusionment and a lack of inner control.  In this instance the person would experience that her values are not valued by her partner and that she does not have the ability to direct her own life.

In the former situation relationship struggles are dealt with in a fairly direct and above-board fashion allowing various opinions to be identified and discussed and a reasonable negotiation to be found.  Both parties would offer honest and clear information and have rather full disclosure of their wants and needs.  The outcomes to these conversations would be supportive to both parties’ needs further increasing the internal sense of control for both parties.  Energy toward change would be dealt with proactively.  Even difficult discussions would be confronted in an honest and compassionate way.

In the latter scenario above there would be a less honest set of disclosures with ever decreasing identification of problems outwardly.  Actions might be taken passively and in an under-cover way so that issues would not be dealt with directly.  There would be a tone of reactivity and defensiveness.  In this scenario there would also be an internally inconsistent picture of self by other.  This is an example of a power differential that is out of balance.

Listening to the language style, tone, and word choice between partners can give you clues to the power differential and if the differential is in balance or not.

A dearth or paucity of conversation and interaction can indicate an imbalance.  This is especially true if it appears that one member is initiating contact and this initiation is met with silence or if the lack of connection appears to be one-sided.  Other signs of an imbalance is a sense of defensiveness or reactivity in tone or word choice, bickering or side-talking without resolution.

If you notice that you are in a relationship that is out of balance look for ways to right the balance.

Observe where you feel resentment or you hear resentment from your partner.  Try to slow down your interaction and compassionately confront the silence or resentment.  Work with the words, tone, or silence lightly, directly and with an earnest interest in learning from your partner.

If the resentment or defensiveness is within you – try to discern what the original driver of the feeling was – could it be a longstanding feeling of unimportance or lack of power or a single incident that has injured you in some way.  Think of what you need to feel whole again – and then gently ask for that.  Try to encourage your partner to reconnect with you on this deeper more loving level.

Try to remember what brought you into partnership and see if you can rekindle the lightness and love.

If what you discover is that you have lost that sense of lightness than try to move to a neutral place so that you can leave the relationship without further injuring the other or yourself.

Power is one of the core issues of development.  All injuries go to power and all successes are related to power.  How you relate to power and how you create a balance of power in relationship is directly connected to the level of joy contentment and strength of that relationship.  Begin with your personal relationship with power within yourself.

Review the power differential in your relationship and how power is distributed – consider how this situation has evolved.  If you discover that you want a different power differential but you want to maintain your connection to your partner then gently discuss the changes you seek to create increased balance.

Balance is the key; clarify for yourself first and then with your partner what you desire and what you want to discard this opens the door to balancing the power differential in relationship.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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Mindfulness, joy, and release of childhood ghosts

Hello

I’ve been thinking about how to shift the energy of a negative situation so that it will help and not hurt.  I have noticed that many of the internal beliefs that are inaccurate come from an interpretation that leads to hurt, or to an involution, so that energy is directed inward to cover over the hurt.

This inward direction is like a misdirection and can create a distortion to the overall development of that person’s personality.  The result is a person who develops as if they are missing something; there is a truncation to the person’s personality.  Reconnecting to ones joy through re-evaluation of the etiology, or roots,  of the belief can help to right the interpretation and bring joy.

Anthony Robbins says to ask the question, What’s great about that?, when faced with a difficult circumstance.  I think that can be used to re-interpret misbeliefs.

Find a place inside where there is joy and the joy will burn out the pain – Joseph Campbell.  The best way to do that is to look with a compassionate heart.

Together these ideas can be used to shift negative situations.  Sometimes the process can be applied in the present to a present moment situation so that a misbelief can be avoided.  Other times it can be applied to an old situation for transformation, like getting rid of the ghosts from the past.

One of the most difficult things I have a had to deal with in my life was a longstanding injury from high school.  In junior high school I was an outgoing and adventurous girl.  I had strong opinions that I was happy to share through monologue and debate, and didn’t seem to be negatively affected by conflicting opinions.  Often I would investigate and find out more information to strengthen my perspective.

My personality changed dramatically in high school not because of hormones but because of a longstanding irrepressible bullying experience I endured.  This had such a deep effect that I set aside my original focus in career from adventurous, outgoing, risk-taker to inward focus, observant, ever-helpful-to-others therapist.  My self-confidence waned and I became unsure of myself and tentative.   My joyous, outgoing, trusting nature turned to hyper-vigilance and timidity.

The way this happened was subtle and occurred over a period of time.  And I can see now the separate moments wherein I shifted my energy.  Because my tenaciousness and love of learning remained strong it was the focus of the study that shifted rather than a depression that left me unable to focus at all.

I seemed to instinctively shift the focus of that learning.

I turned my attention to existential and psycho-therapeutic models to assuage my pain.  In doing so I increased my understanding of how groups and people in groups worked.  I increased my understanding of mind and mindful processes.  This brought me first to center my focus on therapy and then to search out a way of being in the world that included a focus on compassion.  And in the many years that separate me from that time I have evolved again into the joyous person I once was.  But the circuit was a long road filled with many diversions, difficult transitions, and unhappy times.

I understand now that I was a target precisely because of my joie de vive; my alive and vibrant personality, my lovely good looks, and strong curvy figure which I lightly moved with ease.  These things, all attractive and good qualities, were precisely what this girl-collective was trying to destroy.

This was probably less personal than it felt to me as the girls in the clique barely knew me.  I think this targeting behavior is a natural process in social groups and description of how energy moves.  From a sociological perspective there is a natural order of things to be in line and homogeneous and my behavior was outside the norm.  Simply by existing in that alive form I had irritated their interior power issues and insecurities and so from this sociological perspective I had brought this upon myself.  I gave away my power to them through my fear and my deep desire to be liked.

The resultant shift within me occurred due to several factors.  There was no source near me to assist me through this process to help me realign or remain aligned to my true inner voice of truth and reason.

I wanted to be liked and accepted and to fit in – and I interpreted that being this alive, joie de vive character set me apart and made me a target.  In order to feel accepted or fit in I distorted my personality. My response was to negate these lovely characteristics.  They were pushed in and under and an unassuming, intellectual, girl developed into womanhood.  This gave me a way to be strong but not be threatening to the girl-group.  I took to covering my lovely figure with baggy clothes and keeping my voice quiet, listening and assisting others in their growth with little overt focus on myself.  I studied and developed my mind, and body in quiet unassuming ways.

I deflected that earlier strength and adventure to risk-taking on the behalf of others.

These actions on my part were a distortion of my personality in reaction to my internal fear.  I covered over my true self in exchange for feeling like I might be safe from attack.  Unfortunately, these kinds of exchanges leave marks on a person’s interior sense of self.   I made that joie de vive invisible.  I found a degree of peace, but lived afraid to be myself, in a truncated self, always feeling a bit outside the group.  The resolution to the conflict shifted the exterior but I felt the conflict on the interior plane.

This experience has made me a better therapist, a better writer, a better observer of human behavior and a wiser person.  It was a gift.

Applying mindfulness and compassion to the whole of my experience has opened the door to my earlier youthful joy.  It has freed me to feel the joy of my core joie de vive as well as the strength of how I turned my struggle into a place to thrive.  In linking these two together, I have rediscovered my true full self.  I am less afraid to feel beautiful, strong, lithe and powerful.  I once again allow my inner joy to be my guide.  Through this I have a better understanding of my pain and the pain of my tormentors.   It is quite freeing and enlivening.

Sometimes the aging faces of one of those ghosts from my high school years pops up on the pages of Facebook.  I can feel that my pain has been released because although I feel sadness at their image I feel it less for myself than for the pain I see marked on their faces.   I no longer freeze in fear and confusion.

As described by Joseph Campbell, my pain is burned away by the light of my truth and joy in my true being.  It feels like a miracle, a gift, and a happy lesson I pass on to my beloved children.

There is a saying that God gives you the face you are born with but the face of middle age is your creation.  I think this relates to the way that our choices play out in how we age.  Stress, fear, and struggle show lines on our face and shape our bodies into restricted, sinewy or puffy forms.  Joy, contentment and interior peace show up on our faces in soft and enlightened lines and soft, graceful or flexible, strong physical forms.

If you look at the paintings of Jesus and the Buddha these images of love and light show through.  It is an unconscious reckoning that the interior can show through in the exterior form.  There is a concept in Chinese medicine:  Through observation of the exterior you can know what is happening in the interior.

If you observe lines on your face that seem stern and unrelenting look for what may be unresolved within your psychological, and mindful process and apply compassion to shift the energy.

If you feel there is something missing in how you relate to the world go on an internal journey to see if you have left something of yourself in the past or are being troubled by ghosts from your childhood.  Remember to connect with joy and compassion as you review these.

If you notice a subtle but ongoing shift in your child’s personality from joyous and alive to more serious and introspective see if you can encourage him to share with you what may be going on with him.

The more that we apply compassion to how we view our and other’s actions the more we can be free to be our true selves.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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changing focus and making that change HABIT

Hello,

My friend, Elene at elenedom.wordpress.com,  sent a copy of this to me thinking it might resonate – it definitely does.  Written by Leo Bahauta, this list is his suggestion about how to create ZenHabits – I thought it was cool – I have added some of my own comments.

7 Little Things That Make Life Effortless
Post written by Leo Babauta.
From ZENHABITS smile, breath, and go slowly. zenhabits.net/glide/
Take what you want from this list. I find these things work, but your mileage will vary.
1. Do less. This is my productivity mantra, and it’s counterintuitive. I actually don’t believe in productivity, but instead believe in doing the important things. Do less, and you’ll force yourself to choose between what’s just busywork, and what really matters. Life then becomes effortless, as you accomplish big things while being less busy.
2. Having less is lighter. Start asking yourself if you really need everything you have, or if you just have it out of fear. Start to let go of what you have, so it doesn’t own you. And then, as you have less, you feel lighter. It’s wonderful.
3. Let the little things go. People who struggle often fight over little things. We obsess over things that don’t really matter. We create resistance instead of letting things glide off us. Let the little things go,breathe, and move on to the important things.
4. Clean as you go. I haven’t written about this for a long time, but early in the life of Zen Habits I wrote about the habit of cleaning as you go. Instead of letting the cleaning pile up, put things away when you’re done. Wash your bowl. Wipe the counters clean as you pass them. Sweep up dirt when you notice it. By cleaning a little bit at a time, as you make messes, cleaning up becomes a breeze, and it’s never difficult. By the way, this applies to everything in life, not just cleaning.
5. Make small, gradual changes. Most people are too impatient to follow this advice — they want to do everything at once. We have so many changes to make, but we don’t want to wait a year for it all to happen. As a result, we often fail, and then feel crappy about it. Or we don’t start at all, because so many big changes is intimidating and overwhelming. I’ve learned the hard way that small changes are incredibly powerful, and they last longer. Gradual change leads to huge change, but slowly, and in a way that sticks. And it’s effortless.
6. Learn to focus on the things that matter. This is implied in the items above, but it’s so important I have to emphasize it. Swimming (or any physical activity for that matter) is best done when you do only the motions that matter, and eliminate the extraneous motions. Stop thrashing, start becoming more efficient and fluid. You do this by learning what matters, and cutting out the wasted activity.
7. Be compassionate. This makes dealing with others much more effortless. It also makes you feel better about yourself. People like you more, and you improve the lives of others. Make every dealing with another human being one where you practice compassion.

I think my favorites are:  Breathe, clean as you go – because it offers a way to create structure and balance without too much thought or action; and practice compassion.

And I think the idea of doing less is interesting – I have some thoughts about this.  I understand the negative connotation of lazy and how he is shifting the perspective of lazy.  I do not fully accept his underlying perception of the communication of lazy from ones body.

I will say that I wholeheartedly agree with the idea of going with the flow and not pushing the river – and to the extent that following or riding the flow is “lazy” then I am in agreement.

I take the position that going with the flow is an active process and not a lazy lack of attention, but rather an earnest, attune, active response to information; as is resting choosing to do less as more and listening to the clarifying messages from within about the importance of balance rather than over action/yang energy.  Doing too much, having too much, over-abundance –  can create a lack of balance within the cosmic order of things that will need rectification.  How that plays out is different for different people but as in the I Ching there is a need for balance, I view that a person’s life requires such balance – a great accomplishment and great abundance has a deep loss generally attached to it.

His idea of gradual change is lovely; it incorporates the elements of change that most trick us up – inertia and fear.  If you embrace the change and feel joy about it you can then shift into a new way of being more easily and with a more sturdy reserve.  This is an obvious thing when working in therapy.  Those that change quickly and make too big a change find they lose their reserve and fall back into old habits.  Those that shift slowly , gradually and with a sense of renewal and light excitement create new habits that complete eradicate the old pattern so no falling back is available.

Joy and breathing are definite keys in my opinion.

You can follow the links to some of his other ideas within the body of his list.  I found his ideas on compassion to be poignant and beneficial ideas for creating a life focused on compassion.

Habit comes from shifting and practicing the shift in an active, consistent, ongoing way.

See if you can find a few things in the list to increase how you live simply so that you can create a sense of fuller living; rather than running from event or commitment to commitment – feel deeply, breathe, experience each moment and each event and see if your life isn’t both less full  (of required events) and more full (of deep emotional experiences, living).

Doing more can be interpreted as the number of things outlined on your schedule and the depth of experience in each event.  Going for the latter is what he seems to refer to as being lazy and what I refer to as having an active, fuller attention.  Regardless of what you call it – we each seem to be  suggesting that more living and being comes out of doing less while being more fully present.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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Shifting Perspectives, my personal adventure

Hello

When I was in college I spent a semester abroad studying Italian Art, Architecture, Language and Literature in Roma, Italia.  It was a very powerful period in my life.  I had been studying Sociology in school and was intrigued by paradigms, cultural relativism, and Gestalt figure/ground perspectives.  I was an open-minded person with a sense that I would or could do anything and had a naive belief that I could effect a positive change in the world.  I was young and enthusiastic.  My experience in Italy was painful, transformative, joyous, strengthening, and enlightening.  It was an adventure.

I had not planned to go to Italy.  My boyfriend, who was an art major, was going and I thought “oh I should go too”;  I didn’t realize that he had wanted to go without me so he could experience the world unencumbered.  In retrospect it would have been more useful to ask him what his plans were before inviting myself along.  This discovery was painful – finding him happily courting a tall woman from Oklahoma – I mention her height because it was the thing that was so irritating about her to me being a small petite girl – she was like an amazon woman stealing my boyfriend away from me.  He was, of course a complicit and willing partner – no stealing – I was the only one who was unaware of the situation.

I was stunned.  Alone in a foreign country and so sad.  He and I had been the best of friends for a longtime and I wasn’t sure of exactly how to proceed.

For the days that followed my discovery I was on auto-pilot, disconnected, unfocused, just putting one foot in front of the next.  Then after a while I began to re-focus on the beautiful amazing country that surrounded me.  I started to identify what I wanted to do, see, accomplish and experience.  In this re-evaluation I discovered myself.

There was a lovely young man in our group from England he was polite, handsome, kind, and ever so smart.  I liked him and he seemed to like me.  He was good friends with a young man who was very involved with Roman politics.  It was exciting to hang out with them and learn about how young people in Rome spent their days.  Quite different from my own experience they were VERY involved in politics, very early.  Paolo, my handsome friend’s friend, had lost his best friend to a bomb due to political issues two years before when he was a teenager.  He had strong opinions and sound arguments to back them up.  It was so exciting to be in their company and begin to develop my beliefs about politics, my country, and theirs.

My handsome young man whose care I had fallen into was even more intriguing.  He had gone to school in England but his family was Persian.  He was one of the kindest and most gentle men I had ever known but he had dealt with great tragedy and difficult situations.  We came to be very close and he showed me a fascinating world that I could never have imagined.  His gentle eyes had both a sadness and a playfulness in them and I felt the safest I had ever felt with anyone when I was with him.

In the middle of our time together we went to Austria.  It was beautiful and magical.  I saw Freud’s house and we played together.  It was like a fairytale.  But the purpose of our trip there was far from the magic and fantasy of Disney.  He needed to get a visa to come to America.  He had gone before and followed the stealthy steps outlined by whomever was assisting him to do so, and he had lost money, and he had been denied.  Half of his family resided in Iran and half was in America.  There was still a great deal of wariness about young Iranian men coming to the states and so he had to go through this secret process not knowing the outcome and risking treachery from outside.

He was successful and this was a celebration that he would be able to join his siblings in the states.

We had a blissful time together in Rome through the rest of our time in school. After, on my way back to the states I joined him briefly in London and then we separated.  I returned to my home and he to a new home in San Francisco.  I visited him once later for a brief time when I went out to a college friend’s wedding, and then we lost track of each other.

He once said to me, while we were still in Italy, that his father would never have approved of him seeing me because I was American.  His father was no longer alive and his mother was still in Iran.  I never thought about how my parents would have responded; they seemed to be open-minded and accepting.  But I was aware that to me he was not his country or his culture but rather an individual person with whom I was in love.  I had not considered the problems between our countries until he made this comment.

Both these men, the boyfriend with whom I went to Italy, and the boyfriend I met in Italy, had perceived their time in Italy as a time to experience being with someone not accepted in their real or home world.  They each had seen it as a break from the cultural and normative expectations to experience more fully a deeper self that they would not take with them except in their memories; and that however their experience may have changed them it must be left in Italy.

I had been so naive that I didn’t understand any of that and yet my experiences with each of them left indelible marks on my sense of self and my character.

I have studied sociology all my life and I would say that I view the world through a sociological lens and yet even with that I experience each person individually.  Sociology takes the position that one’s self is completely bound up by one’s culture and that self and mind are really just an introjection of the society or culture within which you live; but my experience is that individuals interact with their culture in innovative and unique ways to develop intricately specific and personal selves.  That one can see the culture and beliefs within another’s personality and characteristics but that self, and character are profoundly personal.

My dear beloved boyfriend with whom I traveled to Italy said to me upon our return that although he abandoned me for this exciting opportunity to be with that tall girl he ultimately had a depressing and uneventful experience because she went on to another boy and he was left without either her or me.  And I, in my action to respond to his abandonment, had a true adventure.  Sadly, for him this was true.  Joyfully for me, he was right.

How you respond to your world is your only true offense and defense in the action of life.

And perspective is everything.

I think of my dear boyfriend that I met in Italy, living in America, and I wonder how well he is thriving.  I wonder if his family still in Iran is faring well through the strife in his country, and I pray that he and those individuals like him will be able to develop a country that better speaks to their needs.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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Creating Internal Space

Hello

Space creation is more than just a starting point to a project it is a requirement for any new creation to happen.  Often the first thing one does is create a space in which to work – cleaning off your desk, starting a new page on word, or cleaning out the space for drawing and construction.

Sometimes clearing out the space physically performs the function of creating an internal space for change.

Other actions that can help create that internal space are mindful meditation, yoga, focused breathing, prayer, writing about the issue, and listening both to others and yourself.  The latter is a modality you can use all the time in relationship and interaction.

Listening to the non-verbal components in conversation, the tone, and the language or word-choice all offer ways for you to increase your understanding in communication.  Through these techniques you can see or hear where you are out of sync with reality or how you are acting or thinking based on an inaccurate belief system.  It opens your internal system of thinking and being.

The most difficult space to create is the space within to change thinking and behavior patterns.  Changing habits requires identification of the problem as a first step.  The space creation to change is like a stretching out so that you can observe from a different perspective.  Often influence from outside is the first glimmer of understanding that shifts your focus to the inaccuracy of your habit.

This can be an aha experience or it can be insidious, a slow developing awareness over time.

Creating that inner space starts with the questions What is at the center of this thinking or this behavior ?- What is the underlying belief or value that drives it?  And then once discerning the answers, defining if that value or belief is consistent with what you actually believe.

It requires a slowing of actions and a reworking of thinkings.  Breathing, applying mindfulness, looking for and creating balance, applying compassion and understanding – all these allow for an increase in awareness and delay action to allow for re-working thinkings with a renewed perspective.

Recently I was struck by an internal belief that I had been using to organize my behavior and thinking.  I discovered that it was not actually an accurate description of reality, but rather a picture of a misunderstanding from my early childhood that had been frozen in time, not allowed to incorporate new information or ongoing analysis; it was a stuck, rigid, fear-based belief.  I had been acting from a position that I must prove my worth and my intelligence.  That I had to bring something extra to a relationship because just being myself was insufficient for friendship.  This was the opposite of what I taught my children and patients, and yet here I was acting from this inaccurate perspective.

Astonishing!

It was a powerful and profound experience to discover both the internal belief and  that I no longer had to act from this inaccurate space.  Seeing it, recognizing it, and understanding its etiology allowed me to create the internal space to let it go and to shift my perspective to incorporate the full or whole of my life experiences, not just that one event.  It was so freeing, and so opening; it created the internal space to make a change in my thinking and my behavior with respect to this issue.

Mindful reflection and paradigm shifting create internal space so that change can happen.  Utilize the methods that best suit you to open a space for you to view and review your internal systems and create a space for internal change.

You may find you are freed from a restrictive belief system that is not an actual representation of reality.  In doing so you may create a space to live more freely and more happily.

See you tomorrow.

Beth


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Parenting your parents and forgiveness

Hello

I have had a request to write about how to deal with parents or in-laws in a mindful way.  So here are some thoughts.

It’s not really that different from parenting  your children.  The key is the combination of  forgiveness, acceptance, and staying out of feeling defensive.  Think about Turning NO to ON as applied to relationships with history.

Remember the blog titled Interpreting bias in decision-making – posted August 5, 2010?  In it I wrote about the problem with responding from a defensive place and through bias and how this interfered with decision-making.  Defensiveness and bias skew how information is interpreted.  Each skew to the negative and set the stage for reaction rather than mindful response.

Bias is sometimes a result of a belief that may have represented a previous experience but is not necessarily Truth.  Defensiveness can be a result of habit, history or misapplication or misunderstanding of the other person’s intention, tone, or action.  In this way defensiveness can be like bias.

Being clear in a neutral, non-defensive tone, with unbiased and uncharged language allows for fuller communication and an opportunity to re-work old issues with a peaceful and active resolution.

So here are some ways to help you move into neutrality when interacting and also get a handle on what you may be bringing to the situation that is unhelpful, defensive, or a habit reaction pattern from earlier in the relationship.  After you identify that there is something left over, an old unresolved issue or belief then you can determine whether you want to keep it.

These can be applied to any personal relationship or situation, but is most applicable toward parent or in-law relationships.  Our relationships with our parents are very powerful and so hold a lot of complicated meaning about our own power and sense of self.

Defensiveness comes from a need, or interpreted need, to protect ourselves from attack – if we have had miscommunications, or simply mis-takes in how we related with our parents then this can be overly charged and difficult, and can be intensely layered over time.  Following these steps will assist you in working through some of this to increase positive interactions.

  • If you feel defensive wait – stop talking, breathe, open your mind, be open to what the other person is trying to say – move into receive rather than send in your communication.  Try to clarify what you really want from the situation and then focus on that, and only that – don’t get distracted and moved onto a more negative path.
  • Think about, and feel into, what is behind the defensiveness, follow it like a thread back into your history – this gives you a place to tether the defensiveness – then you can determine if that original event or set of events continue to apply, or how you would like to shift the energy.  It is through this process that you can identify where you want to focus your interaction with the other person.
  • If you feel angry, wait – stop talking, breathe, open your mind, try to receive what the other person is trying to say – try to simultaneously discover what is triggering an angry response in you, then as above, consider whether it is something you need to resolve then or let go and refocus on the current issue.
  • If you have a block or just can’t understand – or see – what the other person is saying – stop, try to look at it from a different perspective and see if you can identify what perception or interpretation you have that may be blocking your understanding of the other person’s point of view.  Get the other person to re-describe their feeling, experience in different words or give an example so that you can better understand what they are saying.
  • I am not suggesting that you must agree with their point of view, I am suggesting understanding comes from seeing both perspectives – remember the figure-ground issues – looking at the images below – see the bear and the vase or the duck and the bunny .  This is Steven Covey’s concept of seek first to understand.  When you understand the other, then you can understand where you connect with and disconnect from the other person and this allows for a place of resolution agreed upon communication about any subject or issue.

Increasing your awareness and applying your mindfulness to the situation allows for increased understanding and increased connection.   This may result in a different course of action.  It may not result in a change, but in this case you will be able to support the situation through a more mindful, neutral approach.  It may allow for a negotiation that incorporates both paradigms – not a compromise, but a collaboration or blending that meets the needs or perspectives of both parties.

Just as in parenting your children you are focused on being mindful and interacting in the present moment taking into account your child’s needs and your personalities; this is like turning a NO to ON but focused on your historical relationships and bringing them into present time and creating them to be positive.

Be truthful and honest in the content of your communication; kind and caring in the tone of your communication; and warm and real in your presentation.  This style and these actions will go the furthest to create a space for a powerful and positive interaction that can increase the depth and breadth of your relationship with your parents or parent-in-laws.

You will have wonderful results.

See you tomorrow.

Beth