The most challenging aspect of relationship is connecting…not when you feel all gooey and lovey, but when you feel hurt, disconnected, or angry…of course that is one of the most important times to connect..
Try these two steps when you are faced with that situation..
- Do a cognitive head stand:
Think of everything you like about that person, whether you feel angry because of something they did or didn’t do or say OR hurt by them in some way,
- This focuses you on why you want to work out the disconnect and how much you care about him or her… once you do that, you free yourself up from the defensive, fight posture and open yourself up to the connection posture…
- Hold an image of the person in your mind in that loving space when you begin to discuss the problem…every time you feel his or her negativity, reorient yourself internally – look at that image,
- That will help you communicate from your heart, you will have to say what is bugging you, but HOW you say it will be what is communicated – the love and connection.
Do these two things and you have a far better chance for success.
It’s not about being right it’s about be with (connecting)…that’s the glue of relationship.
Relationships are dynamic and multi-level. You come in and out of being in the same space. Sometimes you are completely in sync and when that happens you flow. When you feel the stickiness, the flow not flowing, but sticking, then you have to check your perspective and reorient yourself.
It helps to remember what brought you to the relationship in the first place.
This requires you shift out of a right/wrong, defensive perspective and into a clarity of connection. It requires you disperse and shift defensiveness in to connection.
Defensiveness is a product of feeling attacked. In most relationships defensiveness is the way in which the fight continues…so if you feel defensive, you can shift out of it through the above two step process. Defensiveness and competition go hand in hand.
Competition is a wonderful thing. It is a great way to discern who is the best athlete or competitor of the people who showed up to the event…but in relationship competition can be divisive, and create distance, and resentment. In relationship individuals are looking to be seen, accepted, and co-create. There can be a sharing of leadership, and knowledge and teaching.
Collaboration offers the best style of interaction in relationship. You cannot collaborate when you are vying for proof of rightness. Collaboration is a byproduct of mindful paradigm shifting. It allows both parties to share personal perspectives while discovering a centered place where both perspectives meet.
Family and love relationships are the kind of relationships where this is most paramount.
Often it is a phrase, feeling, or style of interacting that creates the defensiveness.
Left over resentments, and injuries must be resolved. Partners and family members must let go, forgive, reset, if they are going to continue in the relationship. This is the only way to disperse the defensiveness. If an injury or resentment is too big to release then you may have come to the end of the line with that relationship. Release it with love and forgiveness. Discern what is your part and make a lesson of the loss to assist you in future relationships. Don’t hold on. Let go.
When you are bound to the injury and resentment and also unwilling to let go of the relationship, you can create a difficult and unpleasant relationship.
Whenever you feel defensive, look to see what is underneath…is it connected to a historical relationship? Is it connected to an unresolved injury or resentment? Clarify what is underneath, unearth it and bring it to the surface. Then use the above two step process to try to resolve the problem with your partner. If it is unresolvable, allow yourself to release the unforgiveness. Forgive your partner and yourself; this may result in the dissolution of the relationship but it will create a freeing within you to honestly connect in your future relationships without holding the next person accountable for an unresolved injury. Namaste, in love and light, bg
You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com. Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2014 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries..
You may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris website. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS. Discover where you are in the Temperament and the MAAPS section. You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships. MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money, Achievement, Attachment, Power, Structure).
You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). If you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.
One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all. in love and light, bg
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