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Giving birth is the first separation

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I remember just after my daughter was born I reached down and touched my belly and it felt empty.

It was an odd feeling, a sadness.

I had been transformed by carrying her.  Her birth marked both the ending of the period when she was the closest she would ever be to me and the beginning of her continued independence from me.

I remembered words that a mother had written about being separated by two skins – first your child is within you and then she is separated by two skins.  That mother was acutely aware of the feeling of separation that birth brought to her because she was placing her child for adoption.

I felt acutely aware of the full meaning of those words.

It was the beginning of the life long process of letting go of the little being that grew in my belly – who was part of me but completely herself.  Knowing that I would have to guide and teach and remain connected to her, while letting go of her, as each day, month, and year passed.

I remember this process with Max too, even though he did not grow in my tummy – in fact we met when he was twelve.

It is unique to have the intensely positive mothering feeling that I have with Max.  Although we each identified a true connection at the beginning of our relationship, the clarity of my role, that I was his mother and he my son in each of our hearts, developed over a long time.   And then once that role was solidified and sealed…. I could feel him moving away in just the way I felt my daughter leaving on the day of her birth.

It’s a necessary process but we don’t recognize it most of the time.

We take for granted the sweetness of their dependence and push them out to be independent – it is a mistake I think – they will be on their way soon enough, and if we do not take care in our caring of them, the energetic cording that holds us together can be irrevocably affected.

Recognizing that there is a loosening of the cording while allowing it to remain as needed is an important mindful action.

Being in our centers and connected to our feelings, while allowing the process to play out without holding on or pushing out – maintaining a balance – is the best way to increase our children’s opportunity for resilience, self-confidence, and independence which develops into interdependence.

Being the cocoon in which these two butterflies grew – albeit the two cocoons were very different, one physical and one imaginal – was an exhilarating and transformative experience.

It is a healthy leaving.  It is an inside out process.  It’s the process of formation and transformation on a physical, emotional and energetic level – spirit, mind and body.

Birthing ideas and other kinds of creations follows a similar process.

If you are having difficulty with this it may mean that you are either holding on to tightly or pushing the river.

Being in your center and connected to your feelings, allowing a sense of peace to guide you, will help you to find the right timing and right action to move forward in parenting and other projects of creation.

See you tomorrow.


Author: instinctivehealthparenting4u

Author, Integrative medicine practitioner, psychotherapist. Albuquerque, NM practice, focus on return to balance and the integration of spirit, mind, and body through meditation and mindfulness. Monthly trainings, & professional and personal development coaching. Find more on my website Read my books, Turning NO to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness, Turning ME to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness (, for increased internal wellness and alignment with your spiritual purpose, and to activate joyous love and light, bg

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