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Change your Attitude, Heal your Soul, Balance your Life. Uplevel YOUR consciousness. Find your way HOME through MAAPS.


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Mindfulness more useful in Parenting – Recent Canadian 20 year study identifies strong relationship between spanking and aggressive behavior

instinctivehealthparenting4u:

Think GUIDE
To help you change your attitude and behavior in disciplining your child, Shift your perspective of discipline from punishment to guidance..it will help you focus your energy to model the kind of behavior you want for your child and help you turn your child’s NO to yes and off to ON.

  • Use this mnemonic (group of letters) to help you: GUIDE, 5 simple steps.

    Get in sync with your child, pay attention to the cues that s/he is starting to have trouble so that you can avert a problem before it happens.  Use the stop, look, and listen method to discern what may be causing the aggressivity, or defiance.  Is your child hungry, tired, stressed, having difficulty with transitions, in daycare or school?

  • Understand, use compassion and mindfulness – especially in recognizing child development stages and temperament issues and how defiance and resistance are specific ways that children communicate with behavior what they don’t have words for. You can find out more though Ames and Ilg’s books on various developmental stages or through my book (addresses creating resilience, inner security, and self-control, power through the developmental stages, will and willfulness, how to reset once things have gone awry..)

  • Identify, intervene, invert: use your cognitive skills to determine what is contributing to your child’s defiant and negative behavior – then you can determine the best way to respond to teach your child about societal rules while helping develop inner strength, empowerment, and security.

  • Discipline: use discernment, logical and natural consequences to help your child regain internal control…focus on developing a link between behavior and consequences so that your child can develop an internal locus of control rather than an external boundary. Remember if you can’t control your behavior and have to hit out of anger then you are actually modeling reactivity, aggressivity and a lack of inner control.

  • Energy release: especially with aggressive and hyperactive children, children need to have a way to release energy rather than hit, act-out or hurt others out of reactivity.

You can find out more through my book, Turning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness (Gineris, 2011). For more about the negative effects of physical discipline read this reblog, as always in love and light, bg

Originally posted on InstinctiveHealthParenting4U :

Hello

There has been a lot of research regarding the effects of disciplining children with physical punishment and spanking.  These studies have been conducted since 1990 and have consistently indicated negative results for this style of discipline especially an increase in aggressive and antisocial behavior on the part of the spanked child, (Durrant & Ensom, 2012).

Proponents of spanking as a form of discipline argue against this relationship  indicating that the children who need to be spanked or physically punished are already more aggressive and so this explains the connection between increased aggression in children who are spanked.

This recent study in the  Canadian Medical Association Journal spanning over twenty years controlled for this issue precisely and addressed the issue of causality.  The study followed children who were physically punished as a form of discipline and children who were not.

The study shows that children who are physically punished…

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Social policy to elevate consciousness: The Ray Rice lesson

In my blog, http://instinctivehealthmedicine.com/2014/03/13/social-policy-unintended-consequences-and-how-wolves-create-rivers/ I discuss several important social policy issues that have resulted in unintended consequences and that bias is one of the biggest deterrents to getting it right when creating social policy.

Bias is difficult to see because it creates a blind spot for the gazer.

Social policy planners have bias, the question is always: is their bias right or is it missing an important detail?

A more useful application of the sociological information about power and community is to create a space wherein the participant can sort through the answer though mindfulness and critical thinking.  

Educating students on how to think, how to use their brains to think through a problem,

deduction rather than just come up with the answer the professor determines true, in a Sherlock Holmsian style of clarity and mindfulness would allow for continued consciousness elevation for the entire community of human beings, and ultimately the planet.

  • When you are looking at a social issue use a multi-layer lens.  This is to say, look at it from the perspective of what has created the problem…there will be underlying sociological archetypes that are driving the situation.  Usually it will require you make serious efforts to understand your own bias, the driver of your bias, and the competing paradigms underlying the social issue.

These competing paradigms are usually a conflict between group and individual rights and a change in the societal mores and norms that are shifting.

The Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978 and the Child Abuse Act of 1974,2010 seem to have fared better than the above examples.

The Indian Child Welfare Act (1978) was originally set in place in response to several things, the high incidence of children leaving the reservations and being raised in non-Indian homes which led to a high incidence of depression and suicide as the children reached adolescence (far greater than those children adopted who were from non-indian families).

This appeared to be a cultural issue as well as a psychosocial developmental issue.  In addition, there was concern from the Native American community that the Native American culture was being decimated by the loss of their children to carry it onward.

There were problems in dealing with how a child was identified as Indian, in that various tribes had differentpercentages of Native blood or connection to a tribal roll as ways to identify a being as Native American. As time went on it also became an issue if the child had never been a part of the Native Community (1982) especially if the parents had not actually lived in the Native Community in their own upbringing.

However, the intended consequences were met positively, due to this act the incidence of suicide by Native American children in early adolescence decreased dramatically, and far more Native American children were endowed with their cultural heritage.

Let’s look at a specific social issue in the news now. 

Ray Rice and the video exposing, his domestic violent interaction with his wife.  

  • Both parties say this is a one time event.
  • Overall, the cultural stance is to say that domestic violence is not okay…
  • Yet the reaction from the community has been to lightly or barely condemn Mr. Rice.
  • Why is this: what are the underlying social issues in play?
  • Mrs. Rice did not want the video to be in the public eye and does not want to address the violence.
  • There are individuals who blame Mrs. Rice for remaining with him.
  • There are individuals who say it is a private issue not a social policy issue.
  • Additionally, he reports that it was a result of his drinking.
  • And there are individuals who diminish this as domestic violence because she attacked him first.

First off, what I see is that from a familial and cultural perspective, his fame and the money he can make for his team (and family) outweighs the reaction of disgust for his behavior.  This is a cost/benefit ratio response from the family and team.  They are not looking at the social ramifications of dismissing it as important or how that kind of inattention leads to increased violence and solidifies the acceptance of violence.

The cultural bias that is behind these statements shows how the culture is struggling to have a strong response to domestic violence:

  • He was drinking:  so it’s not his fault. The alcohol changed his behavior and made him act the way he did.  She attacked him first:  so it’s not his fault.  Or another take on it is if she is going to hit him she elevates her position and therefore has to take being hit back.  Or it was an automatic reaction on his part that he could not stop, due to his training as an aggressive football player.
  • These two positions are supported by the community within which he lives. Drinking frees one to act in an uninhibited way without having to take any consequences.  This belief is further supported by the fact that alcoholism is actually a medical problem — but it is a social problem too.  Any substance that changes your brain can have a positive or negative effect.
  • Physical fighting has been on the rise between adolescent girls and young women…it is seen in movies, made into a spectator event – think professional fighter Ayla Ali, which shifts the onus of responsibility away from the man to not be provoked when hit by a woman.

There is inconsistency of thought regarding whether to protect and care for women and children in the culture at this time.  That is why this has become such a hot issue with such divergent responses, reactions.

This is a power issue.

Men have lost some of their power in the community through the increase in power given to women, to compete for the same positions men hold, to get higher education and to choose to not depend on men.  With the disintegration of gender roles it can feel to men as if women are getting everything and men nothing.  Even women are not consistent in their behavior and thinking in this regard.

This is a tipping point for our culture, whether to actually protect women (and children).  How to create a consistency of thought regarding healthy relationships, whether to actually discipline inappropriate behavior, and how to educate people about conscious relationships that are not based in a power-over mentality.

I am most disturbed by what I observed in the video after the punch to the face….The piece that is disturbing to me is trifold.  He showed no remorse for the fact that his fiance was lying unconscious on the floor, additionally he showed no care toward how he removed her from the elevator, leaving her legs partially over the door threshold so that she might be hit by the door as it closed…

…and then this is the part that I saw which bothered me the most and most clearly belied any of the kind attributions toward Mr Rice…just after he dragged his fiance out of the elevator, while she was unconscious, lying helpless on the floor he kicked his foot at her leg, kicking her leg… this act of kicking an unconscious person is the act of a coward, a bully; he was no longer protecting himself –his kicking an unconscious person as if she were garbage showed his true hateful nature. This indicates the worst form of domestic violence, the kind that derives from a deep lack of caring for another human being.

Not one media commentator has identified this.

I did see it and from my perspective this is a view into his true psyche and inner perspective of the world. It gives a view into his inner nature or inner consciousness.  This action is not from the alcohol.  This is not a function of self-defense. This is not a result of losing control of his temper and reacting automatically. This is cold, uncaring, with a lack of empathy or compassionate connection to the person he just kicked.  This is a violent action within a domestic relationship.

Educating individuals about the importance of managing power in relationship is a first step.

Destigmatizing the way that power gets expressed while simultaneously challenging beliefs that support power-over structures would be the first step toward changing the cultural reinforcement of domestic violence.

Ray Rice is heralded in a positive light for his aggression on the football field.  The cold, uncaring, aggressive, warrior focus that created his success is exactly what is driving the violent action in his relationship.

Applying mindfulness to how you address his action will help to define a way that will align the concerns of the community and his identified desire to change his behavior.

A social policy that does not take into account the multi-layer aspects of social behavior, the intersection of a person’s sociological Fabric of group connections, personal experiences, and location in time will create unintended consequences.

On the face of it, his behavior is violent and needs to be called out, the crisis for the community is HOW to respond to uplevel the conversation to elevate our compassionate, conscious interaction with each other in society.

This is especially true since society is telegraphing acceptable behaviors to youth.

The etiology of domestic violence is in childhood.  What the person observes in the relationships of his or her caregivers as well as what happens to him/her.  Does s/he experience compassion, or heartlessness?  Is the definition of discipline punishment or critical, conscious education of natural and logical consequences, so that s/he can develop a sense of inner strength, resilience, and overall understanding of personal and cultural reponsibility?

In this way domestic violence is driven by earlier experiences of child abuse and neglect.

Social policy must start in a consolidated, comprehensive way in both the adult relationship and parenting discipline communities because without changing both, BOTH will continue.  They may take on different terms, harassment, abuse, bullying etc. These are all forms of the misuse and misunderstanding of power in relationships.

Let us start here and now with these young men in the news who area struggling with the negative effects of their heritage and what they have perceived as valuable in their childhood experiences.

Using mindfulness in how we respond to them will set the society on the path to mindful relationship where the abuse of power is diminished. In love and light, bg

You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com. Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2014 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries…and the elevation of consciousness.

front cover.me2weYou may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris website. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS.front cover.me2we Discover where you are in the Temperament and the MAAPS section. You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships. MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money, Achievement, Attachment, Power, Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth’s book No to ON.beth's book No to ON

If you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.
One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all. in love and light, bg


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We are all interconnected, change your environment: change the world

This is a facebook post from William Khaziri of Bliss River.  bliss river primal wisdom

He and David Khaziri are two truly amazing beings who have taken it upon themselves to offer to anyone interested in listening, ways to uplevel consciousness.

All the podcasts are available for download.

This is mine.

“Hey everyone, this is Will from Bliss River wanting to let everyone who has liked this page and or who knows Dr. Beth to please listen to our enlivening and powerful Podcast. Dr. Beth as you all probably know has more than just a wealth of knowledge but her character and profound intuitive wisdom teaches us effective ways that we can change for the better immediately. For example, she taught us about Cranial Sacral Therapy on the Podcast and I took action and got a treatment done with amazing results. My Vippasana meditation practice has also been dramatically improved through her teaching us the basics of meditation over the Podcast. It has been an honor Dr. Beth and please, if I may ask that everyone who enjoys the Podcast please review our iTunes page so that her message maybe recognized more by Apple through increased reviews and then found by more people on the main iTunes Podcast homepage.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/10-primal-wisdom-w-dr.-beth/id900718536?i=318750984&mt=2

I invite you to listen to these for your own edification and consciousness elevation.

Connecting with these men at Bliss River has reignited my faith in the global community.  I hope you find it equally as exciting and supportive about how we are all connected and if we focus on changing our environment we can create a ribbon of change in the larger community or even the consciousness of the planet.  Very exciting.in love and light, bg

And as always, Remember you have a better chance of getting where you want to go if you have a map…in love and light, many blessings, bg

You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com.  Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2014 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries…and the elevation of consciousness.

You may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris website. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS.front cover.me2we  Discover where you are in the Temperament and  the MAAPS section.  You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships.  MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money,  Achievement,  Attachment, Power,  Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.

One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all.  in love and light, bg

 


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Shed your old skin, Create a New YOU

As you develop through your life you emphasize and de-emphasize different aspects of who you ARE – your multi-layer-self.

Your multi-layer-self is comprised of your spiritual, emotional/cognitive, physical self.

This is especially true as you move through the decades of your life and it follows a specific course. You get the opportunity to actually grow a new skin, and develop into a fuller more balanced personality or self every ten years or so…

Each decade offers you a new perspective and it gives you a chance to incorporate what you have learned in the past in a whole new way…I think of this as discarding your outgrown old skin and growing a new skin.

In the earliest aspect of your life 0-10 years you are developing the foundation of how you see yourself:  what matters to you and how you want to be connected to those around you.

This is the beginning of your lifelong relationship with how you get what you want and how you make a place for yourself with others… this requires balance.

At first your neediness may be the focus and boundaries are set from an outside source. As you move through this decade you develop internalized boundaries that assist you in managing your needs and the expectations or wants of your group.

If you had injuries, abandonment, deficiencies in how your early environment responded to your needs then you will develop an over-developed dependence on yourself (so rigid boundaries) <the I-style of relationship in MAAPS*> or an over-dependence on others (so enmeshed boundaries) <the me-style of relationship in MAAPS*> .

When this occurs your development in the decades that follow will have a skew toward rigidity, difficulty connecting at a deep level or enmeshment (what some call co-dependence) which also results in a difficulty to connect at a deep level in relationship.

These difficulties look different in relationship but skew out from the same place…inner insecurity and imbalance.

If you had a balanced set of love and discipline in the first ten years of life you will have a basic flexibility in how you manage getting what you want and pleasing those whom you call family and friends.

This grows in depth and breadth throughout the next decades and you will find yourself having the internal strength to focus your life toward goals while simultaneously creating loving relationships.

The decade of 10 – 20 years offers a new level of managing your internal focus and boundaries.  This is biologically a time when relationship outside your family of origin begins to have greater importance. You determine what aspects of your familial groups and group constructs are in alignment with your goals and perspectives of the world and yourself.

This is where you benefit from an early life that included a sense of freedom and boundaries in balance.  When you have this in balance you are flexible in how you negotiate care of yourself and care of others. Additionally, you have a more grounded sense of your assets and limitations which supports you creating goals that are within your reach and goals that promote a sense of positivity and empowerment within you and your community.

If you have somehow skewed off into a me-style or I-style of relationship, then you have to develop inner security, empathy and boundaries.  This is the work of the decades 20-30 and for those of you who are from the 90s and 2000 generation this may incorporate the decade of 30-40.

Here a sense of spirit is good to discuss.

A loss of faith has hit a lot of the millennium generation…loss of faith in elders, in the world at large, even in the purpose of living on the planet.  This has resulted in a sense of being out of balance with the world around them.

In order to reconnect with yourself, in relationship or/and with your community you must reconnect with your sense of spirit.

Try to avoid the trap of hearing religion or god-practice for right now…

Think about the concept of Lovingkindness, embrace the true reality that we are all connected — all human communities, all life beings on the planet…even the planet itself to each of us…and the planets in our universe to our planet and us…

You can find this in reconnecting to your internal sensory guidance system..your 5 + 1 senses …your senses of seeing, tasting, feeling, smelling, hearing and intuition..these are your perfect guides to what path to take.  These are your proof in this interconnectedness and your sense of spirit.

Once you allow your sensory guidance system to chart your course then your relationships become mutually empowering and your faith returns.  By listening and responding to your 5 + 1 senses you create goals that fill you with strength, resilience and joy.  You will naturally use empathy, inner security, and boundaries to map your life.

Here you will be emphasizing both your internal needs and goals and your external group requirements with a sense of unification and faith. in love and light, bg

 

Remember you have a better chance of getting where you want to go if you have a map…in love and light, many blessings, bg

You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com.  Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2014 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries..  

You may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris website. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS.front cover.me2we  Discover where you are in the Temperament and  the MAAPS section.  You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships.  MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money,  Achievement,  Attachment, Power,  Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.

One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all.  in love and light, bg


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Sometimes, it’s all you can do to stay in the light

Sometimes, it’s all you can do to stay in the light.

There are a lot of challenges to staying positive and feeling grateful.

  • Unexpected shortfalls,
  • friends leaving or hurting you (even unintentionally),
  • delays, (mercury in retrograde),
  • accidents of all kinds…these things can pull you down, and leave you feeling dark, moody, alone, or even fearful.

The best way to deal with this is to make a choice to focus on the positive.

Focus, is attention and intention.  

Put your attention on that thing bringing you down and see if you can shift your perspective;

do a cognitive inversion, a reframe.  

Align your intention to your highest good, SEE HOW the universe is working for you… Looking for How this may be true is the fastest way to shift out of darkness to light.

Your empowerment is not in stopping bad things from happening to you…even the most cautious person must deal with unexpected turns in the road….

Empowerment requires a sense of inner security and an understanding of boundaries.

Your empowerment is HOW you RESPOND to what happens to you.  Remember to have your authentic self be your guide.  Release the need to give other’s power over your inner well-being.

It is though this process of response that you can find your way to joy, again and again.body heals

Life will have ups and downs…but if you are willing to shift your perspective ever to how whatever is going on is IN your BEST interests, that you are on your path to enlightenment…then, it will feel as if you ALWATS have a tailwind, and never a headwind in the journey of life…well except when a headwind is beneficial then you can embrace it.

And remember to find the joy, laughter, and play in all that you encounter..then you will experience ongoing healing and light.in love and light, bg


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How insecurity interferes with getting what you want.

to realizeOne of the coolest aspects of the MAAPS guiding principles of relationship is how easily you can discern what is driving how you behave in relationship.

This is beneficial when HOW you are behaving is interfering with you getting what you want.

MAAPS is an easy way to remember the five guiding security principles of relationship: Money, Achievement, Attachment (Connection), Power, and Structure.

One or more of these are engaged when YOU are driven or compelled to act inauthentically in relationship to create a sense of safety in one of these areas.  And when you are acting under the influence of one or more of these drivers you create immature, and unfulfilling relationships.

In order to shift away from this you have to face your insecurity: You have to tolerate feeling insecure while asking for what you truly need or want in the relationship.

For example: if you fear, or have an insecurity around attachment or feeling connected, you might create yourself as less important than the other person; putting his needs ahead of yours and attempting to get your needs met on the side.

This is a reasonable solution in the short-term, however after a while this will feel as if the other person is taking advantage of you or that your needs are not as important; this can lead to resentment within you and create a crevasse in the foundation of the relationship that may ultimately tear the relationship apart.

An alternative action is to speak about what you are feeling as soon as you identify it is happening.  You may want to do some undercover work with your self to discern what may be underlying the insecurity.  You can look into what decisions you may have made about how you HAD to act to be loved or cared for or to feel SAFE in your early childhood or early relationships.sigmund freud

More often these drivers act under the surface.  You actually are not aware of the influence the insecurity has over your actions.

So here are some clues that you are under the influence of insecurity:

  • you have difficulty co-mingling funds
  • you have difficulty sharing title for achievements
  • you have difficulty being alone or you feel abandoned when you cannot immediately contact your partner
  • you have difficulty receiving assistance from others or you have difficulty when others don’t do what you tell them to do
  • you have difficulty when there is disorganization

Insecurity can be hidden. I know many individuals who on the surface appear strong and confident, yet the insecurity is lurking just beneath the surface.  When left undetected and unresolved, this insecurity can interfere with you getting what you truly want in your personal and career life.

If you notice that you have trouble maintaining healthful and meaningful relationships, investigate whether you have ann insecurity in one of the five guiding security principles in relationship.  Use your compassion, lovingkindness, forgiveness, and mindfulness tools to assist you in releasing the insecurity belief so that you can build inner security and engage in more mutually beneficial relationships.

You can learn more about this in earlier blogs on this site or through the following books.

Remember you have a better chance of getting where you want to go if you have a map…in love and light, many blessings, bg

You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com.  Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2014 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries..  

You may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris website. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS.front cover.me2we  Discover where you are in the Temperament and  the MAAPS section.  You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships.  MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money,  Achievement,  Attachment, Power,  Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.

One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all.  in love and light, bg


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The Art of Partnering with mindfulness: How to get there in 2 easy steps.

The most challenging aspect of relationship is connecting…not when you feel all gooey and lovey, but when you feel hurt, disconnected, or angry…of course that is one of the most important times to connect..

Try these two steps when you are faced with that situation..be kind to unkind people, they need it most

  • Do a cognitive head stand:
    Think of everything you like about that person, whether you feel angry because of something they did or didn’t do or say OR hurt by them in some way,
  • This focuses you on why you want to work out the disconnect and how much you care about him or her… once you do that, you free yourself up from the defensive, fight posture and open yourself up to the connection posture…
  • Hold an image of the person in your mind in that loving space when you begin to discuss the problem…every time you feel his or her negativity, reorient yourself internally – look at that image,
  • That will help you communicate from your heart, you will have to say what is bugging you, but HOW you say it will be what is communicated – the love and connection.

Do these two things and you have a far better chance for success.

It’s not about being right it’s about be with (connecting)…that’s the glue of relationship.

Relationships are dynamic and multi-level.  You come in and out of being in the same space.  Sometimes you are completely in sync and when that happens you flow.  When you feel the stickiness, the flow not flowing, but sticking, then you have to check your perspective and reorient yourself.

It helps to remember what brought you to the relationship in the first place.

This requires you shift out of a right/wrong, defensive perspective and into a clarity of connection.  It requires you disperse and shift defensiveness in to connection.

Defensiveness is a product of feeling attacked.  In most relationships defensiveness is the way in which the fight continues…so if you feel defensive, you can shift out of it through the above two step process.  Defensiveness and competition go hand in hand.

Competition is a wonderful thing.  It is a great way to discern who is the best athlete or competitor of the people who showed up to the event…but in relationship competition can be divisive, and create distance, and resentment.  In relationship individuals are looking to be seen, accepted, and co-create.  There can be a sharing of leadership, and knowledge and teaching.

Collaboration offers the best style of interaction in relationship.  You cannot collaborate when you are vying for proof of rightness.  Collaboration is a byproduct of mindful paradigm shifting.  It allows both parties to share personal perspectives while discovering a centered place where both perspectives meet.

Family and love relationships are the kind of relationships where this is most paramount.

Often it is a phrase, feeling, or style of interacting that creates the defensiveness.

Left over resentments, and injuries must be resolved.  Partners and family members must let go, forgive, reset, if they are going to continue in the relationship.  This is the only way to disperse the defensiveness.  If an injury or resentment is too big to release then you may have come to the end of the line with that relationship.  Release it with love and forgiveness. Discern what is your part and make a lesson of the loss to assist you in future relationships.  Don’t hold on.  Let go.

When you are bound to the injury and resentment and also unwilling to let go of the relationship, you can create a difficult and unpleasant relationship.reflection

Whenever you feel defensive, look to see what is underneath…is it connected to a historical relationship?  Is it connected to an unresolved injury or resentment?  Clarify what is underneath, unearth it and bring it to the surface.  Then use the above two step process to try to resolve the problem with your partner.  If it is unresolvable, allow yourself to release the unforgiveness.  Forgive your partner and yourself; this may result in the dissolution of the relationship but it will create a freeing within you to honestly connect in your future relationships without holding the next person accountable for an unresolved injury. Namaste, in love and light, bg

You can find out more at http://www.bethgineris.com.  Beth’s upcoming book, 6 steps to transcending conflict and elevating consciousness, due out in 2014 offers special techniques for releasing unresolved injuries..  

You may participate in seminars to learn these techniques through the bethgineris website. Beth’s groundbreaking book Turning Me to WE: The Art of Partnering with Mindfulness(2013), has some great tools about Temperament style and your personal style of partnering, as well as the insecurity Drivers MAAPS.front cover.me2we  Discover where you are in the Temperament and  the MAAPS section.  You can see how you see the world, and whether you have an attachment that is creating problems in your relationships.  MAAPS will help you to discern your insecurities and understand how and what underlies how you developed your insecurity driver (Money,  Achievement,  Attachment, Power,  Structure).

You can find ways to simply connect to yourself in a loving forgiving way through theTurning No to ON: The Art of Parenting with Mindfulness Book (2011). beth's book No to ONIf you want to change your life, see how you can bring mindfulness to your parenting and relationships.

One being at a time you can elevate the way in which you treat one another and elevate the consciousness on the planet so that equality, balance, and freedom BEcome the norm for all.  in love and light, bg

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